I can not even believe this. :(

NotSharknado

Some of you may know Ds(13) has some learning disabilities and has been in Special ed for quite some time. He's very introverted and had only just started speaking to teachers/adults in 5th grade. He has never been mainstreamed in school.

Okay, now that you have an idea about who Ds is, here's the issues.

Home life as of now has been anything but normal. His grandfather died a month ago. Soon after that Dh started working from 5am-11pm Monday-Fri.

I got all call from school earlier letting me know that he has fallen behind the last few weeks and basically shut down. He seems angry(same at home), disorganized, stopped asking for help at school and stopped communicating with teachers.

Here's the worst part, he has been partaking in bullying. All these years we were so worried because he is such a target for getting bullied. And here he is doing the bullying. He's not the one physical or verbally doing it, what he is doing is telling/whispering to other kids on what to do or say to the intended victims.

I'm floored and just fucking in shock. My first thought was, maybe he himself is also targeted. Idk.

I don't know what to do. He won't talk to us. How do I get him to communicate with me on what's going on?

JackoftheBox

It sounds like he's probably just going through a hard time with everything that has been going on lately. Maybe you guys could sit down as a family and talk about everything and address the bullying. He might be feeling left out. Would it be possible to set aside family time doing something that he likes? I hope he comes out of his funk!

NotSharknado

This is so unlike him. Never in a million years.

LaurelBee

I'm sorry mama. Maybe more 1 on 1 time with you and your H will help him cope with his loss??

kelseypie

AshPal61 said:

I'm so sorry, this must be killing you.

It really does sound like a control thing, though.  I'm sorry I don't really have advice, just hugs.

I agree that it sounds like a control issue as well. Since things are different at home, he probably has a sense of losing control. By telling other kids what to do, it's giving him back some semblance of power.

Maybe think of some ways to give him some "control" at home? Picking out movies for family night? Helping decide what's for dinner? Probably getting a new regular routine established will help too. I'm no expert, but maybe small things like that would help. Sorry you're going through all this!

s0ulchicken

Oh Shanado, I am so, so sorry.

Like so many PP's have mentioned, often times when people feel insecure and threatened, they will do just about anything to divert the attention from themselves.

If you haven't already, I would consider getting a family counselor involved to help mediate. Is he in any type of individual counseling? He may benefit from someone to talk to on his own.

Hugs to you Momma, you are doing a wonderful job!

LuckyDad

I have no advice, but I'm sorry.

MrsT0514

I don't really have any helpful advice for you, but I wanted to say I'm really sorry you're going through all of this right now.

Maybe if you sit DS down and have a heart to heart with him (or maybe you and YH at a time hes not working), it will get to thw bottom of his frustration? Sending positive vibes your way. I hope things get easier for you soon.

Eta...I agree with PPs that maybe getting the help of a school (or independent) counselor may be beneficial to help him through this difficult time.

NotSharknado

I talked to Ds and I had him right on a piece of paper what are all the things that make him angry and the agreement was that he'd do it but not talk about it with him.

1. Hard homework
2. Hates school
3. Screaming
4. Teachers

I, in a round about way brought up these issues without being super obvious (didn't want to break his trust). He did open up a tiny bit.

NotSharknado

He does see a school therapist and she had also notice his behavior.

I'm all for family counseling, I just really need to get Dh on the same page.

missyishere

I'm so sorry, dear. @fredalina is wise.

BluepointToasted

Good luck. I agree with PPs about bullying being a defense mechanism. Especially if he has had a hard time fitting in.....unfortunately, bullying can make you "popular" in some circles. I think the list was a good start...could you encourage him to journal a bit? Most of the teens I work with who are more reserved eventually let go a bit with writing, even if they won't talk

LaurelBee

Hugs mama. I'm glad you are able to talk with him and he didn't just shut you out.

Soxgirl07

I don't know exactly what's out there and how receptive he'd even be to watching it, but I bet there's some great anti bullying stuff on you tube that might help him realize that taking his frustrations out on others could be causing them real damage.

We had the Rachel's Challenge presentation at my school a couple years ago and there was a great vibe in the building afterwards. It also has a very positive message about living life to the fullest that would probably be good for him.

I would look for some videos for you, but I'm nursing DS2 to sleep right now.

Good luck, I know from work how hard this age can be for the kids and those who have to help them navigate it. I'm sure he knows you're there for him and that will help him through, even if he has trouble admitting it.

[Deleted User]

((hugs)), Shan. I have no advice since my kid is only 1, but I'm here for you. I'm sure it's gotta be rough with everything else going on too.

NotSharknado

Thanks, guys. I can not wait until this year is over! Dh called and he's cutting work short(serious buisness) and said he feels he needs to be home with his family.

shadypines

((Hugs))

NotSharknado

lizabethann06 said:

I am so sorry I'm a psych in a middle school. Could you request an IEP meeting to address his concerns especially about the hard homework? They should be modifying so that it isn't so frustrating for him. Could you ask for a meeting with teacher and school counselor or social worker or psych? It could help get to the bottom of what's going on plus would give him a safe place in the school to go to when he needs to talk. Sorry if I am overstepping, just wanted to help.

Thank you. His work is modified and has been for years. They did say that the structure is different this year and it had thrown him for a loop.

Nita2603

I am so sorry. It will be ok. You guys will figure it out.

I think it sounds a lot like he needs to control something in his life. Telling the bully what to do is control - I mean he is controlling two parties there.

I think talking to the school therapist or someone like that (what are these people called?!) may be a good idea.

You said he won't talk to you. Will he listen, though? Maybe if you can just explain to him that you understand that life's been tough for him for the last while, but that making others suffer will not make him feel less sad?

I have no idea if that is just a really stupid suggestion though.

My usual suggestion is martial arts. I have taught Ju-Jutsu for years and I have had kids around who were 'spirited'. I know it sounds counterproductive at first. But, IME, the structure and the discipline taught at every dojo helps. Plus, a good Sensei will address bullying - and often the kids would not dare to go against that.
He'd blow off steam, feel accomplished and well, exercise is bad. And self defense classes won't hurt anybody either.

Maybe that's an idea?

Hugs to you. I hope you guys get through to him.

Nita2603

Exercise is - never - bad. Stupid thing won't let me edit.

NotSharknado

Nita2603 said:

I am so sorry. It will be ok. You guys will figure it out.

I think it sounds a lot like he needs to control something in his life. Telling the bully what to do is control - I mean he is controlling two parties there.

I think talking to the school therapist or someone like that (what are these people called?!) may be a good idea.

You said he won't talk to you. Will he listen, though? Maybe if you can just explain to him that you understand that life's been tough for him for the last while, but that making others suffer will not make him feel less sad?

I have no idea if that is just a really stupid suggestion though.

My usual suggestion is martial arts. I have taught Ju-Jutsu for years and I have had kids around who were 'spirited'. I know it sounds counterproductive at first. But, IME, the structure and the discipline taught at every dojo helps. Plus, a good Sensei will address bullying - and often the kids would not dare to go against that.
He'd blow off steam, feel accomplished and well, exercise is bad. And self defense classes won't hurt anybody either.

Maybe that's an idea?

Hugs to you. I hope you guys get through to him.

Not stupid, we decided to have him and Dh sign up. I think it'll help with self discipline and self confidence.

LoveActually4

I'm sorry you're going through this. My SS has an LD and we see a lot of frustration from him as well now that he's getting into his teen years.

I agree with exercise and a meeting with the school. I would want to touch base with his teachers and the school counsellor to set up a plan to ensure your DS feels like he is succeeding at school. I find when SS feels like he's failing at something he gets a very "fuck it" attitude and everything else in his life can spiral as well.

LoveActually4

Oh one more thing @shanado...

When we found out my SD was bullying the only thing that really worked to snap her out of it was her siblings. Our counsellor recommended using this empathy based approach...

I can't see siggies but I think you have a younger DD (or DS, sorry if I'm wrong). If your older DS is protective you could try saying something like "imagine that was you sister and someone whispered to her to do something she shouldn't...how would that make you feel?"