I'm having a hard time with optimism

liz4paws

Hi ladies. I'm embarking on FET#3 after my two most recent cycles = losses. I just have a hard time believing in my soul that this will work. I was so incredibly excited and optimistic for FET#1 and pretty excited and hopeful for FET#2, but now I just feel like I'm going through the motions because it's the last stop before pursuing DIA. I've been investigating DIA to help the blow of another failure become lessned, and I've gotten to the point where I've almost convinced myself that it will certainly be the path we end up on. Don't get me wrong, I'm not changing a thing about how I'm pursuing this cycle. I'm giving it my 100% physically. I just am having a hard time getting into it emotionally.

The hardest part is that not being excited has made me feel a little guilty too because these remaining embryos have just as much potential as the ones previously did. I feel like by me not being completely gung-ho and excited to them, I'm not giving them the respect they deserve. I believe they deserve the love and excitement just as much as the previous ones did and I feel like a crappy mom-to-be if for some reason they DO work out and I never got excited about it. Ugh...anyway, sorry for the babble. Since I know so many of you have endured blow after blow and failure after failure far more than I have, did you find that you finally got to a cycle and just didn't have an ounce of optimism left in you? Not excited even one bit? You were sure it was just not going to work?

Did you do anything to try to change your attitude?

 

Thanks for hearing me.

DoublePortion

I have no advice but just know that regardless of how you feel about the cycle I know you will be over the moon if these embryos stay for the long haul. It's ok to be guarded and not excited about the cycle because those feeling don't reflect how you feel about the embryos. Huge, huge hugs!

Lacyj67

Oh Liz I understand exactly what you are feeling. Not only is being scared and not quite as optimistic as last time probably normal but part of what we are made to deal with because of stupid IF. It robs us of all the joys of normal pregnancy but ya know what... In the end whatever the outcome may be... We will appreciate our children and love every single second of raising them. Good for you for doing your homework on adoption because it always makes me feel better knowing there is a backup plan and if that's what you need to continue moving in the direction of being a mom then do it! It won't change the fact that you will go through this FET any different. It may just help you more to get through it whatever the outcome will be! Good luck! Ill be rooting you on from the sidelines.!!!

JSM0801

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but I completely understand. You pretty much took the words right out of my mouth, as I am having all these fears and feelings as well. My transfer is this month, and I woke up today feeling like an emotional mess. I can't even bare the thought of my body killing 2 more perfect embryos. I am so hopeless and scared and feeling like this will never work for me. After multiple failures and heartbreak, it is so hard to be positive and hopeful that this will ever work. I think we have every right to feel this way, and I get really mad when people tell me to stay positive, b/c they just have no idea what it is like to live through this. We must have some hope left though, or we wouldn't be giving it another shot. Like DP said, just b/c you are being guarded, doesn't mean you don't love your embryos. Sending hugs and wishing you the best of luck! 

p.s. Have you talked to your doc about doing an endometrial scratch before your FET? 

liz4paws

Thank you so much for the reassurance that I'm not a bad person for feeling this way. I really do feel guilty. As much as I love both of our donors, I think it complicates things that I have a relationship with both of them because I love dearly and I feel like I'm letting THEM down by not being super excited for this final transfer. I would never want them to feel like I was ungrateful. I truly am grateful for this opportunity, and for their selfless gifts. But right now I just feel like my body is destined to kill embryos. I hate the idea of wash, rinse, repeat and then being surprised by another loss. Now I feel like it's destined to happen, therefore I should prepare myself for it. Like you said JSM, it makes me completely insane thinking about destroying another pair of embryos.

On the flip side, I have lurked on blogs and other boards where I read about women who felt completely not optimistic, went through the motions like I feel like I am, and they had their babies. I really hate when people say to "not give up hope because hope is what these embryos need" because it makes me feel even more guilty as though the hope factor really plays a part in their survival or not.

I haven't asked about an endometrial scratch, but I'll email my nurse about it today. Thanks for letting me ramble about this one and I know you ladies 'get it'.

 

firesiren

((HUGS))  I'm having a lot of the same feelings today too.  This so hard.  It's such a feeling of being torn and makes it hard to be optimistic.  

lsgabriel

I haven't posted (and stayed away) for a long time for that reason.  Look at it as being cautiously optimistic; it's understandable to want to protect yourself on the hellish emotional roller coaster of inertility. Will keep you in thoughts & prayers.

J&D2007

I think it's self-preservation mode. I know because I'm in it right now. I am not the least bit excited for ivf#4. I really have no emotions toward it whatsoever. But, the nice thing is, the way we feel cannot affect the outcome. I cannot get myself excited and hopeful again, and then take the big blow when it turns out the same. I think that whatever you are feeling, you just have to feel it and not analyze it too much. Your body and the embryos will decide what they're going to do regardless of how you feel. I really think you are due for some great news, so I really hope that you get it with this cycle.

Mrs.McIrish

What you are feeling is normal. When you cycle a lot, it's no longer new and exciting. You also are no longer naive to the bad things that happen. You just do it (or you don't). I don't think the outcome is connected to how your soul is feeling. They are good embryos and your ute is good or it isn't. I don't feel we can change that by our mood.((()))

AJC&Maggie

I could have written this post myself!
I know exactly how you are feeling. This is such a terrible, devastating thing to have to endure. I also have absolutely no hope at this point. My FET is on Thursday. I will be thinking of you!!

PrettyAccountant

Hey Liz. I'm sorry you are not feeling positive about your upcoming cycle. It is completely normal. You have been through so much and you are trying to protect your heart. I don't know how to help you feel positive because I never figured it out myself. I don't think your outcome is connected to what your heart is feeling. Sending big hugs your way.

luvboston

Sorry you feel this way, I have been there twice and I felt like I had to pick myself up out of the gutter to just barely get by. One thing that helped me was reviewing everything that we had done to get here. And making sure I left no stone unturned to make it successful. I can't remember if it was you that went to Kwak Kim but if you did have you done everything she said etc. another thing I did was go shopping and buy some new socks to wear to my appt or a bracelet so I could look at them and remember why I was doing this and what I would get at the end if it worked. For example I got socks with ponies on them because one day I hoped to have my own little pony or a child to ride a pony with me.

BeeBee08

:::ticker warning:::

 

 

 

((hugs)).  I know exactly what you mean and I'm sorry you are feeling this way.  This summer, my cycle felt like an inconvenience most of the time, rather than something I was excited for.  I started talking to my RE about GC's right in the middle of stimming.  I had pretty much considered myself out before it even began.  We do anything we can to protect our emotions.  I know there is a lot of "positive thinking makes a difference" talk, but I wouldn't put too much energy into worrying about that.  You are a deserving woman and holding back your feelings on this one does not make you a bad person.  You are wonderful.

Sophistikitty

This was exactly how I felt going into my FET. It really took everything in me to squelch my negativity. I think my feelings were also amplified by the stresses of not cycling locally. It didn't bother me last time but of course then I was filled with blind optimism. To be honest I felt pretty apathetic even on transfer day but since then those feelings have subsided and I am now allowing myself to feel hopeful.  

I think much of what you are feeling is a defense mechanism. Keeping at this and experiencing sequential losses takes a huge toll and it takes a tremendous amount of strength to keep going. It is not that you don't care you just know the realities. Don't feel guilty for the way you are feeling. What you are feeling has nothing to do with how much you care about those embies. Huge hugs. 

rockpaperlove

I felt incredibly guarded this past cycle.  I started confusing my self preservation with self negativity and that was just bad.  You really have to define the difference because there is a detrimental difference between the two.  I think we have all gotten to the point on this board where we have learned to shield our hearts and souls with full metal jackets after so much heartbreak.  I think we all relate to how you are feeling and it is completely normal.  Just be sure to maintain the difference between the healthy self preservation and self negativity.  Hugs and love and best wishes.

liz4paws

Ladies, your thoughtful responses have meant a lot to me. THANK YOU.

zazu13

*** sig ***

 

I hope a PAIF response is OK.

I could have written these words myself. I am so sorry you have had such a difficult road. Mine was not as I expected either. I also felt like I was just going through the motions with my last cycle. We had pre-paid for it so my DH and I agreed we would give it a shot to "get it over with." I had researched DIA, too, and it had given me a surge of new hope that I would be a mother someday and I tried not to think about my cycle much while I was going through it and focused on what we would do "when" it failed. Even my RE seemed like she wasn't very hopeful. After my transfer she said "well at least you know you did everything you could." I was shocked when I found out I had a froste and our IVF journey was not over yet and even more shocked for a positive beta. If negative thoughts had any bearing on my cycle I shoul have had netiher.

Your embryos success is not a reflection of whether or not you were optimistic or what is happening in your heart at that moment. It is science. Your embryos made a baby (babies) before so there is every chance they will again and I pray that is the case for you. Best of luck and big hugs. This journey is hard.

rrdiva1

Sneaks in to show love

I COMPLETELY understand about, fail after fail after fail after fail.I completely was at a place where I thought I am not gonna be a mom huh.I took a deep breath, few months off then did again.I just believed that at some point it has gotta work, and we were gonna try 5th time and be done.Well, you know the rest.please inbox me if you ever wanna talk xo