Overly shy child or normal?

KateLouise

DD1 is 3 1/3 yrs old. She is shy with strangers. A lot of her behaviours I think are pretty normal of 3 yr olds when in a strange setting, or at least of a shy 3 yr old. (keeping close to Mum. Watching and observing before leaping in and interacting. Reluctant to answer questions when approached by a stranger), but other things I find a little odd.

What I find strangest is that she will not eat food when in a strange setting. She's fine in restaurants. She's fine at daycare, where the kids help themselves to platters of food. She's fine at her grandparents house, and she's a good eater at home. If I take her to a friend's house, however, especially if there's a crowd then she point blank refuses any food that is offered, or that is set out on platters, even if it's food I know she really likes.

I try not to make a big deal of it. I point out the food. I let her know she can help herself. I ask her of she'd like me to put anything on a plate for her. I ask if she'd like to taste or share whatever I'm eating. Not all at once, just through the course of the visit, and then I leave her to it.

If I have snacks with me, I'll offer her some of those and she'll eat. Sometimes it's the exact same food. eg. yesterday I happened to have some grapes with us, and she wouldn't touch the grapes the hostess had on a plate, but happily ate the ones I had in my handbag.

Yesterday she did finally ask to eat a cracker. 

So I don't know if she's just shy. I don't know if I've inadvertently sent a message about eating other people's food.

Do I just ignore it, and she'll grow out of it. Is there a beter way to approach it?
Thoughts?

Thanks

musicalmama5

I would definitely ask her to articulate why she doesn't want to eat in those situations. But make sure and have that conversation when you're not in the moment. Definitely don't put and pressure on her or make a big deal out of it when it's happening (it doesn't sound like you are, but I just thought I'd mention it). 

I know she's still very young, but as someone who struggled with an eating disorder as a teenager, I am always on the lookout for signs of food issues with kids. In general, food issues are about control. It may be that she is uncomfortable in certain situations, and refusing food is a way that she can feel in control of herself. 

Emerald27

DS isn't old enough yet for me to speak from true experience, but she sounds normal to me.

I like PPs' suggestions. Trying to understand why she doesn't like to eat food at friends' houses will help you know how to help her. Maybe it is something like you suggested, about her really absorbing the "not taking others' food" thing, in which case you can explain that they're sharing. Maybe in that case you could invite some friends over to show your DD that you share food with them too.

If it's an unrelated comfort thing, and it's related to shyness or distrust of food from other people, I would tend to say respect her discomfort, show her you eating and enjoying others' food, and trust that she'll grow out of it or mature enough that you can really discuss it.

nosoup4u

DS2 refused to eat birthday treats at school his first year of Pre-kindergarten. He was 3.5/4 that year, so about your DD's age. It would be things like cupcakes, which he adores, and he'd eat them when we brought them home, just not at school!

Just a shy kid thing, I wouldn't stress it or make it into a big deal with her. I think making her talk about it would just stress her more the next time it happens. Part of being shy is that you feel on the spot so much, I find ignoring DS1's shy tendencies makes it better for him.

TiffanyBerry

DD does the same thing.  Well, she'll eat the food at other people's houses if I get her a plate and we sit together to eat it.  She won't eat snack and preschool - never has last year or so far this year - unless I'm there during snack time.

I don't think there's something wrong with this - I think it's part of her (my daughter's) introverted personality.  Think of all the places you are picturing this happening - I'll bet there are a bunch of people around that she isn't super close with.  Or heck, just that there are a lot of people around.  This is why DD won't eat snack at preschool - she knows the kids and the teachers, but they aren't close to her; they aren't part of her comfort zone.  She is (slightly) nervous and less than comfortable around them, so of course she doesn't want to eat - most people lose their appetites in that situation.

I figure that she will have to get over it by first grade, at the latest (and that assumes she does half-day kindergarten, not full day).  But that gives us plenty of time yet, so I'm not going to worry about it just yet.

Edit - I misread your post.  (I'd change the stuff above, but thought I'd leave it anyway.)  I see that she *won't* take a plate you make at someone else's house.  I still wouldn't worry, but I would try talking to her about it.  If she feels like she doesn't want to take other people's food, perhaps she'd feel better if she brought some food over for them and everyone could share?  Perhaps there's some other worry?  I'd be super patient with talking to her about it, and let her know that you're curious more than worried.  But I'd start that conversation, even if it's one that needs exploring for the next few months (or years!).

KateLouise

    Thanks for all the thoughts ladies. I hadn't thought about it being an issue of control, but that does make sense.

I do wonder if because at home I insist she try a taste of anything new, that she's anxious about having to try new things in front of strangers. (which of course I wouldn't make her do in that kind of setting)

I did try talking her about it after the most recent situation. Later on in the evening of the same day when we were all pretty relaxed. But she went and hid under a table. This is another thing that makes me think she's an overly anxious child. If I try and have any conversation about anything she's done that either she's upset about or she thinks I'm upset about then she refuses to talk and will go and hide somewhere.

I think I'm really gentle and casual with these conversations eg. "Today when you did x, can you remember how you were feeling?" or "Can you think of something else you could do instead of hitting when you feel angry.", but sometimes she cries, or will just say, "no don't talk about it." and run away. 

Anyway I tried to talk about it again today, and obviously approached it in just the right way (I find using phrases like, "what would be a good solution" or"what could Mummy do to help you." work with her) because I think we made a bit of head way. Basically she just wants to try tiny little bits, and wants us to take food to share (i think that's so she feels like she has a "safe" option).

Because she tends to shut down and refuse to talk it's really important to me that I make it as easy as possible for her to feel like she can tell me anything, ask me anything, and that I'm on her side to help her work through situations.

Thanks again for all the thoughts. Obviously I'll just keep working with her and encouraging her to branch out.

TiffanyBerry

Would she act out the conversations with dolls or stuffed animals instead of talking to you about it?  My daughter has just started the beginnings of that sort of thing at (almost) 3.5yrs.

KateLouise

TiffanyBerry said:

Would she act out the conversations with dolls or stuffed animals instead of talking to you about it?  My daughter has just started the beginnings of that sort of thing at (almost) 3.5yrs.

I don't know. Maybe. I'm not sure how I'd lead that with her. How would you initiate that or start her off?

TiffanyBerry

I'd probably just play out going to a friend's house with the stuffed animals.  Like "hey, bear, do you want to come over to my house?" "yeah, bunny, I'd love to. thanks."  they play, blah, blah, blah... "bear, I'm getting a bit hungry. would you like to share a snack?" and then have the animals either talk about it or get the snack out.

then you could have scenarios where the animal who comes over is coming to a party and there is already food (imagined or "real" play food) out.

I'd definitely start the idea small, and not too close to the idea of what you're trying to get at.

KateLouise

Cool thanks for that idea. I'll try it out.