Late Term and Child Loss

Not sure what I'm feeling..Denial?

Today it's been 3 weeks since my daughter was born sleeping at 22 weeks. I have had a wide range of emotion, especially anger.  But over the last week, things have been really really good.  I started applying for jobs (knowing I need to get back into work and get insurance and an income as a single woman).  I, also, starting working on my "moving out" plan, going to church, and just restarting my life.  The problem I'm having is that I feel really happy most of the time.  Even when I talk about Ellie, I feel like I'm telling a story.  Almost like it didn't really happen.  I feel numb to it.  Every once in a while I'll feel that pain and sadness, but most of the time I feel completely disconnected. I'm not sad.  In fact, I feel very positive.  But I'm starting to worry that I'm "replacing" her with these other things. That I'm forgetting her.  Or maybe that I'm just in denial. I don't think I've hit the acceptance stage.  But I'm just not sure what this is.  I have an appointment with a therapist coming up and I'll be talking to her about it as well.  I just didn't know where else to talk about it. 

**TW loss mentioned **



12 miscarriages in first marriage (2007-2011)
Surprise BFP - 06/2013
Daughter stillborn at 22 weeks - 09/09/2013
Married my best friend - 09/03/2016
Genetic testing came back with APS - 10/03/2016
TTCAL - 10/21/2016
BFP - 11/18/2016
EDD of Rainbow baby - 07/30/2017

Re: Not sure what I'm feeling..Denial?

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    The stages of grief are not linear....you can go through them in order and then suddenly skip one, you can go backwards....years can go by and you can suddenly be stuck in one stage as though your giref just happened.  It sounds like you are in shock right now.  I remember going through something like this at around the three week mark.  I just suddenly stopped crying and felt numb.  I thought maybe it was my Zoloft since I started it right around then, which it could be part of, but I think it's also just delayed shock.  I sometimes felt like inside my head I was screaming and crying, but I was stuck in a calm, content girl's body.

    The cards stop coming, the food stops being sent, people stop checking on you as often and start going back to their daily lives.  I think this is the point where our bodies need to be in shock most of all so we can deal with it.  It's so hard to deal with it all, and it's hard to deal with the questions of "should I be feeling this?  Why aren't I feeling that?

    I know it isn't easy, but take a good day when they come, and be good to yourself when the bad days come.  I am just over six months out from my loss, and some days I am so sad, and I wonder if I should still be crying hysterically....then on the days I feel good, I'm like, I lost my baby, how can I ever be happy?  This must be wrong.

    Big hugs to you.

    Lilypie - (fm2j)

    Lilypie - (YesX)

     My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks.  Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!

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  • Thank you sweetie.  I just started Welbutrin last week as well.  So maybe that is part of it.  I feel like I should be sad when I talk about her. But unless I focus really hard on it, I'm just not. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in this.  I feel so guilty for not crying more, not feeling depressed... 

    But I also know there are no rules or "how to's" for dealing with this kind of grief. It just helps to know that I'm not doing anything wrong. 

    For me, cards were never sent, and the few people who called have stopped.  If they do call, it's all about how I need to get back to work and move on.  And right now... I do want to go back to work. But everything just feels like it never happened.  Which is so wrong in my mind.  But I will keep writing, and keep doing my best to stay positive. I just don't want to forget her.
    **TW loss mentioned **



    12 miscarriages in first marriage (2007-2011)
    Surprise BFP - 06/2013
    Daughter stillborn at 22 weeks - 09/09/2013
    Married my best friend - 09/03/2016
    Genetic testing came back with APS - 10/03/2016
    TTCAL - 10/21/2016
    BFP - 11/18/2016
    EDD of Rainbow baby - 07/30/2017
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  • I was feeling the same thing several days ago. This past Friday was three weeks for me. I started feeling guilty when people said "you're handling this so well" or "you're so strong." First, I'm not handling things as well as people may think. I just don't happen to be around people I know on a daily basis because we just moved. Second, I have never felt weaker and more vulnerable. I'm just trying to survive it some days. On top of that, I thought what is wrong with me that I'm not laying in bed and sobbing all day? Then a few days later, I totally lost it and had a complete meltdown. I started sobbing crying and set on the floor surrounded by PJ's things. I was completely caught off guard by it. The pain of missing her became overwhelming.

    I'm learning that there is no way to understand this process and your emotions are going to happen whether good or bad, whether you're prepared or not. I think what you're going through is completely normal. As mothers, we tend to beat ourselves up when we aren't acting like we think we should regarding our babies. My breakdown showed me I haven't come as far as I thought and has pushed me to start counseling. 

    I hope that these peaceful moments last as long as possible for you. We need them so we can get through all this. I think it's wonderful that you are working on healing and moving forward. It is an absolute necessity, but it can be so hard to do. Don't worry about forgetting your angel. There is no way that is going to happen. Our babies are forever a part of our lives. Good luck to you!
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  • Thank you so much.  Also..how the heck can I get my lilypie to work? I've tried everything! 

    I was going to be a single mom with Ellie. A little while before she was born, I met someone and we started talking. We had plans to date, but never got around to it before she was born. Now, he's just amazing.  God has placed him in my life and it's wonderful. He stood by my side through everything with Ellie even though we'd never kissed or been on a date or anything.  And now we are dating and it's great. I'm happy.  And I feel guilty for feeling so happy sometimes.  He's an amazing man. He carries Ellie's picture around with him, has sat and cried with me, laughed with me, all of it. I'm just feeling so weird.  Happy, then guilty, then sad, then happy.  What a roller coaster!  I started my anti depressant and I'm contacting the counselor this week. I'm hoping that helps too. 
    **TW loss mentioned **



    12 miscarriages in first marriage (2007-2011)
    Surprise BFP - 06/2013
    Daughter stillborn at 22 weeks - 09/09/2013
    Married my best friend - 09/03/2016
    Genetic testing came back with APS - 10/03/2016
    TTCAL - 10/21/2016
    BFP - 11/18/2016
    EDD of Rainbow baby - 07/30/2017
  • ***SIGGY***



    It's OK to feel "normal" [whatever normal will be from now on, because it sure won't be what it was before], to have good days, to feel good. But there will also be those days when the bottom drops out, and you just cry all day, and you hide under the covers and don't do anything at all but wonder how to get through the next minute. Grief is a weird thing. Even now, a year after losing Devon, I have those days when I don't want to deal with the world at all...but I also had those days early on when I felt good. I laughed during labor. I had dinner with friends the week after we lost him, and it felt good to be "normal" again. I felt guilty for smiling and laughing, but I always imagined that Devon would want me to be happy and live for him and his memory, not wallow and spend the rest of my life being sad. I try to live that way, even though it's hard.

    I know this whole process will be hard, and full of ups and downs - it's truly a rollercoaster of emotions, all of them pretty much normal for what you've experienced. On another note, I'm happy that you've met someone and have someone there for you and with you. It's OK to be happy, just like it's OK to be sad. You're an amazingly strong woman. *hugs*
    ________________________________________________________________________________


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  • Feelings will come and go. I sometimes feel I am still in denial. Some days feel "normal" others are train wrecks. The first year is full of ups and downs, just ride the waves.

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    BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13
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    **All AL Welcome**

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