Today it's been 3 weeks since my daughter was born sleeping at 22 weeks. I have had a wide range of emotion, especially anger. But over the last week, things have been really really good. I started applying for jobs (knowing I need to get back into work and get insurance and an income as a single woman). I, also, starting working on my "moving out" plan, going to church, and just restarting my life. The problem I'm having is that I feel really happy most of the time. Even when I talk about Ellie, I feel like I'm telling a story. Almost like it didn't really happen. I feel numb to it. Every once in a while I'll feel that pain and sadness, but most of the time I feel completely disconnected. I'm not sad. In fact, I feel very positive. But I'm starting to worry that I'm "replacing" her with these other things. That I'm forgetting her. Or maybe that I'm just in denial. I don't think I've hit the acceptance stage. But I'm just not sure what this is. I have an appointment with a therapist coming up and I'll be talking to her about it as well. I just didn't know where else to talk about it.
Re: Not sure what I'm feeling..Denial?
Ticker warning
The stages of grief are not linear....you can go through them in order and then suddenly skip one, you can go backwards....years can go by and you can suddenly be stuck in one stage as though your giref just happened. It sounds like you are in shock right now. I remember going through something like this at around the three week mark. I just suddenly stopped crying and felt numb. I thought maybe it was my Zoloft since I started it right around then, which it could be part of, but I think it's also just delayed shock. I sometimes felt like inside my head I was screaming and crying, but I was stuck in a calm, content girl's body.
The cards stop coming, the food stops being sent, people stop checking on you as often and start going back to their daily lives. I think this is the point where our bodies need to be in shock most of all so we can deal with it. It's so hard to deal with it all, and it's hard to deal with the questions of "should I be feeling this? Why aren't I feeling that?
I know it isn't easy, but take a good day when they come, and be good to yourself when the bad days come. I am just over six months out from my loss, and some days I am so sad, and I wonder if I should still be crying hysterically....then on the days I feel good, I'm like, I lost my baby, how can I ever be happy? This must be wrong.
Big hugs to you.
My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks. Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!
12 miscarriages in first marriage (2007-2011)
Surprise BFP - 06/2013
Daughter stillborn at 22 weeks - 09/09/2013
Married my best friend - 09/03/2016
Genetic testing came back with APS - 10/03/2016
TTCAL - 10/21/2016
BFP - 11/18/2016
EDD of Rainbow baby - 07/30/2017
12 miscarriages in first marriage (2007-2011)
Surprise BFP - 06/2013
Daughter stillborn at 22 weeks - 09/09/2013
Married my best friend - 09/03/2016
Genetic testing came back with APS - 10/03/2016
TTCAL - 10/21/2016
BFP - 11/18/2016
EDD of Rainbow baby - 07/30/2017
It's OK to feel "normal" [whatever normal will be from now on, because it sure won't be what it was before], to have good days, to feel good. But there will also be those days when the bottom drops out, and you just cry all day, and you hide under the covers and don't do anything at all but wonder how to get through the next minute. Grief is a weird thing. Even now, a year after losing Devon, I have those days when I don't want to deal with the world at all...but I also had those days early on when I felt good. I laughed during labor. I had dinner with friends the week after we lost him, and it felt good to be "normal" again. I felt guilty for smiling and laughing, but I always imagined that Devon would want me to be happy and live for him and his memory, not wallow and spend the rest of my life being sad. I try to live that way, even though it's hard.
I know this whole process will be hard, and full of ups and downs - it's truly a rollercoaster of emotions, all of them pretty much normal for what you've experienced. On another note, I'm happy that you've met someone and have someone there for you and with you. It's OK to be happy, just like it's OK to be sad. You're an amazingly strong woman. *hugs*
My Blog
BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13
Diagnosed with PCOS in 2005. Started Metformin July 2013
Please be our rainbow!!
**All AL Welcome**