Are you open with IL about trying to get pregnant?

ss265

So I'm just trying to get a feel for whether I am being weird.

As soon as we got married, my husband's family started asking us if we were planning on having kids. I am a private person and I personally did not want to disclose our plans to them in case we had problems getting pregnant. It didn't help that vague responses like "we are not ready" invited more questions like "what do you mean you are not ready? what if you are never ready etc."

Cue forward a couple of years and we are now blessed with a healthy baby who is almost a year old and we are considering having a second child. Well, as you can guess, now my ILs are asking us if we are planning for another one and how many children we are going to have. At this point, this has become a sore point with me and I just don't want to discuss our future reproductive plans with them. Do you think I am over-reacting? Am I being too private?

FemShep

Agreed with PP. Our family plans are only discussed by me and DH. No one else should be asking.

jnnfrrose6

It's none of their business, but my ILs don't pry like that, so I don't have any really advice on how to handle it.  Perhaps go the absurd route and tell them you're inspired by the Duggars and are happy with whatever you are blessed with, but you're hoping for a football team?

Virgo17

Whenever I got asked that question, I would just say "we will see..." and leave it open ended.  Although I never had anyone who was super pushy about it.

GreenMonkey1

Nope, if we told my inlaws we were TTC they would be telling everyone.  

DH told MIL he was planning to propose, she went and told a bunch of people "shhhh, DH is proposing to GreenMonkey today, don't tell anybody".  Well, his plan didn't work out and he didn't propose that day so she then had to scramble and tell everyone "whoops, didn't happen".  MIL is definitely a "speak before she thinks" person.

On top of that, our reproductive plans = our business.  Inlaws will know we're KU when we're KU and 12 weeks along.

ebp913

It's none of their business but at least in my family and in my in laws family, it's pretty common place to ask questions like are you having a 3rd, when are you having kids, etc?  I'm not annoyed by these and I just deflect and give vague responses.  I don't think it's strange and I do know that it's none of their business but they are family and they are interested and that's fine with me.

TBH, you sound a little overly pissed about their comments but I would just be vague or whatever you want until you decide to give them news.  I am also not a super private person so it could just be me.  

I am currently hearing all sorts of crap about having a 3rd and I'm getting a little annoyed because I feel people are trying to say that 2 isn't good enough and we need more.  That annoys me for sure.  

DTNZ4Ever

I just say when it happens it happens. Eventually people stop asking especially since DS1 will be 5 when DS2 is born. It took us a year for #2 only my good friend knew and 1 co worker who asked when I was emotionally in a bad place just got my period and DH infertility diagnoses. My family and DH didn't know. Plus they never asked as both sets of our parents struggled with infertility for years.

ss265

ebp913 said:

It's none of their business but at least in my family and in my in laws family, it's pretty common place to ask questions like are you having a 3rd, when are you having kids, etc?  I'm not annoyed by these and I just deflect and give vague responses.  I don't think it's strange and I do know that it's none of their business but they are family and they are interested and that's fine with me.

TBH, you sound a little overly pissed about their comments but I would just be vague or whatever you want until you decide to give them news.  I am also not a super private person so it could just be me.  

I am currently hearing all sorts of crap about having a 3rd and I'm getting a little annoyed because I feel people are trying to say that 2 isn't good enough and we need more.  That annoys me for sure.  

There is a little more history than what I stated here (trying not to provide too many details in case someone I know IRL figures out who I am) but I think you are right in that I might be overly pissed. My IL are also from a different culture where I think it is more acceptable to ask questions like that, so that could be an underlying issue. Being vague hasn't helped in the past but I think that is the only recourse I have.

Thank you for all your responses!

wedsept

I totally get where you are coming from.  They sound like my ILs.  I ended up lying and telling them we were never going to have a #2. 

RondackHiker

I'd be more blunt. "That's between DH and I. When there is news, we will let you know."

Maybride2

No, I don't make it a point to talk about my sex life with anyone but my husband.

EMOmamma

Before we had our first people asked all the damn time. And we were having trouble (over a year TTC so not serious but frustrating).
I usually was able to let it roll off my back but one family get together I snapped. When my aunt asked I responded with graphic details (we'll we were doing reverse cowgirl but that's not working so I think we'll try doggie style tonight) then one of our family friends asked "when are you going to get around to having a baby?!" I responded with "oh, we're planning on trying on the table after desert."
Not my proudest day. I don't recommend doing that.

The easiest response I found was "oh don't worry, we'll let you know when we have news to share." With a smile, followed by a change of subject.

SunAndRain

Nope! When the questions started I would not so nicely respond, "if I get pregnant we will let you know!". I wasn't a mega bitch about it but I was pretty firm and unsmiling. They quickly got the point that this wasn't up for discussion. And I have a fairly strong personality so my ILs don't really press me on issues.

worst was my mom. I would just wash, rinse and repeat, "it is none of your business." She would disagree and I would remind her that it was my decision all the way around. In my more patient moments I would tell her that if she kept it up then were I to become pregnant she wouldn't be told until my seventh month.

Hm. Maybe I AM a mega bitch  

EastCoastBride

I think a general "are you going to have kids?" is one thing.  It's a "what's coming next in your life?" kind of question.  But when asking it becomes a regular thing and THEN they continue pushing and asking even more personal questions - it's crossing a line.

I agree- just say "we'll see" and then change the subject.

WHere is your DH on this?  If he's bothered to and if there is a cultural component, it might be time for HIM to step up and tell his parents "back off". 

court115

Everyone and their mother knows that I want a second as soon as we move so I have no real advice here. Other than to echo what PPs have said. Your body. Your decision. If you want to be private about your family plans, that's your right. I don't think you're being over sensitive at all. You don't want to discuss it and that should be obvious but your response. I agree that they shouldn't push the issue.

rubber_chicken

Wow, your ILs are totally over the line.  I would have no problem telling them, "I'm not comfortable discussing my uterus or my sex life with you."

ss265

Lol - my DH handles his family with humor. He never gives them a straight answer when they ask him which is why they always ask me. It honestly has not been too bad this time around but before we had our first, one particular family member kept on pestering us every single time we got together. It got so bad one time that I basically told them that I did not like kids and that we might never have one. DH was planning to step in after that incident but they got the hint after that episode and backed off so we just let it go.

Honestly, it is because of this one family member that I am being more private with his family. We got together recently and another family member asked how many kids we wanted to have and I just said that we didn't know (DH was not around at the time). I got the impression that everyone thought it was weird that we did not know but I was just trying to be vague.

I think I just need to accept that they will continue to ask and that I should not let it bother me. Thank you for all your responses and for the reassurances that I'm not super strange for not wanting to share with them!

 

JJ_13

As someone who dealt with infertility for years, these questions irk me beyond belief. You have no idea what's going on in someone's life and it is so rude that they ask you this, IMO! I would probably say something like "seriously?! You know LO is only a year old, right? I've only jsut started getting good sleep! #2 is the furthest thing from my mind right now but don't worry, we'll let you know IF we ever decide to have a second one!"

Shut 'em down.

When they ask again, I'd be like "ha! Nothing's changed since we last talked about it!"

michaelaskedlauren

We were asked every now and then - moreso when DS turned 1 - but we just answered by saying either "not yet" or "we play that hand close to the chest." Family and friends normally just let it go after that. We never told them we were TTC and didnt tell family until we were 8 weeks along after our first sonogram.

It sounds like this family member doesnt take the hint. Can you just be blunt and say "I dont feel comfortable discussing that"? As PP said, it boggles my mind what information some people think they are privvy to.

cecilyandgautam

@SS265, I'm wondering if your parents are from overseas? My in-laws are Indian and for them, it's definitely the norm for grandparents to inquire, and even advise!, on the spacing of children. They don't consider it rude, they consider it part of their responsibility, and they would be really hurt if I replied the way some of the PPs are advising. For American parents who know they're being nosy, maybe that would work, but for my ILs, that would hurt their feelings unnecessarily.

I'm a little more open about it than you, but not quiet as open to input as my ILs would like, but I try to be direct with them. They feel more respected when I tell them I don't agree, rather than try to hush up the conversation. "I appreciate that that spacing for you & your kids, but we have different considerations and are raising our children in a different context" and then they might inquire what those considerations are, which I don't mind sharing.

If I feel really put on the spot about something "I haven't had a chance to fully discuss this with DH and I feel like that's something DH & I should discuss ourselves before considering other perspectives. We'll let you know what we decide." I definitely share more than I otherwise would because that's the foundation of a food relationship with them, but if I feel really uncomfortable about something, I just let them know I'm not used to discussing such things with family and if they'd like to discuss it, I'll need time to think about what to share and how. They don't mean to make me uncomfortable, so they normally don't press when they realize it's so awkward for me. 

ss265

@cecilyandgautum - yes my IL are from overseas and yes you are right, there is no way I can use some of the PP's suggestions on how to respond to them. I appreciate you sharing how you deal with your in laws and I will consider some of the suggestions you made!

SoMoNY

NOPE!

ILs didn't even know we did IVF three times to end up with current pregnancy and they don't know about the MC we had in July 2012.

They have big mouths so they wren't told about this pregnancy till week 13, would have week 20 if I had my way.

traveltheworld

Both my parents and my ILs know we want a second, and I've told them generally when we'd like to start trying.  We have good relationships and I don't mind sharing.  My ILs never asked before we had DS so I don't feel like they are the overly intrusive type.

sugarbear0524

If DH's family are over-stepping their bounds (and this definitely qualifies), he deals with it. If it's my family, I deal with it.