Peaceful/Unconditional (types) parenting and 2-3 year old

lizardknitter

Apologies for my novel ahead.

My beautiful DD and I are well attached.  We are still bed-sharing, BF'ing, and spend probably 80% of her day actively engaged with each other.   However, I'm having a hard time getting her to understand our limitations without using punishment (in the form of taking away something or saying we will take X away, etc) or rewards.  She just doesn't have the capability to understand some things related to her age and development.

Examples: She cries for upwards of 45 minutes and nothing can console her if I try to explain to her that she CANNOT hold the cat all day when we are home.  No amount of offering to hold her, reason with her, anything that isn't holding the cat or going for a treat like ice cream will stop the crying/screaming.

It's the same with asking her to keep her shoes on in public.  She insists on taking her shoes off all the time.  And again, no amount of reasoning, offers of wearing, NOTHING will get her to put them back on except telling her we will go home unless she puts her shoes back on.  This is ad nauseum about certain things that are just not negotiable (tooth brushing, taking a bath, you get the idea).

I then find myself getting exasperated by trying to reason with her or trying to reconnect when she is obviously not interested in that at the moment.  Which leads to me losing my temper and yelling.  And then I feel like a crap mom.

It's becoming the same about BF'ing.  I am currently 14 weeks pregnant and while I don't mind nursing her for a while longer, she has upped her requests and I find myself getting frustrated that she wants to nurse 8-12 times a day.  Asking her to wait or trying to distract her leads to another crying/screaming jag which wears me down emotionally.  I know that part of it is her being chronically overtired as she has been refusing naps and only sleeps about 10 hours at night.  I'm going to attempt to force naps for the rest of the week, but I don't hold out much hope.

Any advice or, well, anything, is appreciated.

Thanks!

kcisthebombdotcom

Has she always been that poor a sleeper? 10 hours is way too little for that age. If this isn't something new, have you considered taking her to a sleep specialist? I think when she gets more quality sleep, theres a good chance you'll see a lot of the behavioral stuff diminish.

Emerald27

I agree with KC_13 about sleep. If she can get a good nap, I bet she will be a much happier, easy going kid.

As for things she can't do, I find that following a "logical consequences" approach works well for DS. If he can't pet the cat gently when asked to, he cannot be near the cat. If he tries to climb on the stove/oven handle (this is a current serious struggle of ours), then he cannot be in the kitchen.

As for not doing things he's asked to do, I try to give options where I can. "The blue shoes or the brown ones? No, barefoot is not an option, but you can pick your shoes." "Dinosaur Train or Daniel Tiger." "We're not petting the cat right now because he's napping. Would you like to play with your trains or have a snack?"

On nursing: perhaps your supply has dropped a bit, and she's making up for it by nursing more frequently. If you can make waiting in terms she'll understand, that could help. Sometimes "in a little bit" or "later" can seem infinite and uncertain to our little ones. If "after your bath" or "when we get to the car" or "when the show is over"...or even "after lunch, want to help mommy make lunch?" and "after dinner" work too.

Best of luck, and congratulations on the new addition to your family!

blu-eyedwife

I'm not terribly familiar with "unconditional parenting" so I promise I'm not trying to be snarky - but what exactly is the point of it?  In life there are conditions.  If I want to keep my job, I can not come to work naked and drunk.  Heck, if I want to walk down the street without being arrested I can not be naked and drunk!  Conditions of work/society.

We also do the logical consequences approach, which I guess would be "conditional parenting" but it's still gentle. We have a big problem with shoes too - my son loves to take them off and doesn't necessarily want to put them back on.  But he can't go to daycare/the mall/a parking lot without shoes, so if he wants to do the activity, the shoes have to go on.  (And places where it doesn't matter - the beach, walking to the community pool, we don't make a big deal of.)

And I'm certainly not above bribery.  I don't use food bribes (other than the if we go home from the playground now, we can have our dinner!) because I don't like using food as a reward or punishment, but for things he doesn't want to do?  Diaper changes, bath time, etc. I don't really see the harm in promising something else for wanted behaviors.  ("I know you don't want to change your diaper right now, but when we finish we can read a book."  "I know you don't want to take a bath, but why don't we go play with the bubble machine in the bathtub.")

lizardknitter

Thanks for the responses. I have tried giving specific times for nursing like "when we walk into the living room" but it still leads to a fit. I think the sleep is a big part of her emotional swings. She used to sleep wonderfully! 11-12 hours at night and a 2-3 hour nap. The no nap and later bedtime has been in the last 3-4 weeks. I just finally got her down for a nap today (at 2!). Hoping she at least stays asleep for an hour or 2.
As for "unconditional" parenting. It's from a book by Alfie Kohn. It just means not using bribes, rewards, carrot & stick motivation, or punishment in the form of either corporeal or things like time-outs. It's a great premise for a kid that can verbalize her feelings more than a 2 year old.

Mrs.AmyDylan

I have nothing to add from the parenting side. It sounds like you are doing a great job, despite the struggle. Keep up the good work! 

So I have a random question for you. I see in your siggy that you did IVF to achieve your current pregnancy (congrats!). You also mention you are still BFing. How did you do this while you cycled? I was under the impression that you had to wean to pursue IVF? 

Sorry for the question. We would like to have another child at some point fairly soon (I'm almost 35) but if we have to cycle again Im absolutely dreading weaning. Thanks!

TiffanyBerry

Most of the things you mention - holding the cat (a soft, warm object), not wearing shoes (over a highly touch sensitive area of the body), and the like - are strong sensory things.  Is there a sensory processing difference at play?

nosoup4u

She sounds like a...2 or 3-yr-old! not helpful, I know. But DS2, who has always been a laid back kid, has been big into screaming and carrying on when he doesn't get his way (he's almost three). It's very much the age!

Do you know about playful parenting? There's a book, I think. Sometimes distraction/being able to defuse the situation works better. Ask Moxie is a great website with tons of good comments/commiseration about stuff like this. hth

lizardknitter

Mrs.AmyDylan said:

I have nothing to add from the parenting side. It sounds like you are doing a great job, despite the struggle. Keep up the good work! 

So I have a random question for you. I see in your siggy that you did IVF to achieve your current pregnancy (congrats!). You also mention you are still BFing. How did you do this while you cycled? I was under the impression that you had to wean to pursue IVF? 

Sorry for the question. We would like to have another child at some point fairly soon (I'm almost 35) but if we have to cycle again Im absolutely dreading weaning. Thanks!

No problem! Yes, we did IVF and I was still nursing. I did not tell my RE. I did my own research and we were only nursing 3-4 times a day when I
cycled. I time medications around nursing times and had already gotten AF back. I decided that we would try a cycle while still BF'ing and if it was not successful, I would wean. There is a great video from an Australian LC who did IVF and she talks about the process and who she feels is a good candidate. I'll see if I can find the link.

Mrs.AmyDylan

@lizardknitter thanks for sharing. If find the link, that would be awesome. Hopefully we wont have to cycle again, but I don't want to wait too long to try for #2. It is great to hear your success since I was under the impression the IVF meds were not good for the nursing baby, in addition to nursing cutting down your chances for success.

Lolalipsy

lizardknitter said:

Mrs.AmyDylan said:

I have nothing to add from the parenting side. It sounds like you are doing a great job, despite the struggle. Keep up the good work! 

So I have a random question for you. I see in your siggy that you did IVF to achieve your current pregnancy (congrats!). You also mention you are still BFing. How did you do this while you cycled? I was under the impression that you had to wean to pursue IVF? 

Sorry for the question. We would like to have another child at some point fairly soon (I'm almost 35) but if we have to cycle again Im absolutely dreading weaning. Thanks!

No problem! Yes, we did IVF and I was still nursing. I did not tell my RE. I did my own research and we were only nursing 3-4 times a day when I
cycled. I time medications around nursing times and had already gotten AF back. I decided that we would try a cycle while still BF'ing and if it was not successful, I would wean. There is a great video from an Australian LC who did IVF and she talks about the process and who she feels is a good candidate. I'll see if I can find the link.

Sorry to jump in as well but we are in a similar position as @Mrs.AmyDylan. I would love the link as well please if you find it.

lizardknitter

Here is a link to a blog that has a link to the podcast inside it. . Hope it helps!
https://babydustdiaries.wordpress.com/2010/06/10/breastfeeding-through-fertility-treatments-ivf-and-fet/
Also, you need to examine your own timeline and feelings. I knew I could get in another cycle if that one didn't work and that if my gamble failed, I would be happy I tried to cycle while still nursing. You may not have the same feelings. Good luck to you both!!!!

Lolalipsy

Thank you, that's great.

sugarbear0524

I'm all for being gentle with my two year old son. But, he has to understand limits. I fear that if I don't establish consequences for unacceptable behavior, the world (daycare, church nursery, etc.) will do it. 

My son benefits from time out when he gets out of control. I want him to learn that there are limits to acceptable behavior, there are things he just doesn't get to do that he wants to do. If he doesn't act appropriately, eventually there are consequences. 

There are choices that he gets to make like raisins vs. a banana,  but some choices are just not available to him. He doesn't always get to choose when we go somewhere, when we leave, etc. The same with keeping his shoes on. Shoes off? We will go home if he doesn't leave them on.