Your thoughts on my situation with SD
I recently discovered this board, so haven't posted before.
I don't know if what I am looking for - maybe to just vent to people who understand, so here goes. I have been married to my DH for 5 years, with him for 8 years. He has a 12 (almost 13) year old daughter from his first marriage and we have a 3 year old DD of our own. Needless to say, I am close with SD since I have known her since she was 5 years old. There aren't any major issues with SD....it's just the fact that I don't feel for her like I feel for my DD. I know that this must be normal, but even after all of these years with her I still look forward (at times) to the days when she is not with us. We basically split custody 50/50 with her mom.
Maybe it's because our personalities are so different....I am not sure what it is. She is and always has been extremely shy and even after all of these years of knowing my family, she will still barely say two words to them without someone prompting her. She actually does this with everyone and it drives me nuts sometimes - she won't even say thank you out loud to family members or family friends that she has known for years for the Christmas gifts they gave her, just because she is so shy or for whatever reason. She is also pretty lazy, which could be partly the normal teenage thing, but it is getting on my nerves. She never puts any effort into anything (homework, school, playing guitar that she absolutely wanted to do, etc) or acts as if she cares about anything except watching tv. She also is pretty irresponsible - loses things ALL the time, doesn't follow-through with things, forgets to do chores she asked to do, etc.
So, after all that bashing - I do want to say that she is a "good" kid. She is respectful and kind and a GREAT big sister. I just get so frustrated and feel bad that I am still frustrated after all of these years.
On a side note - her mom and I (and dad) all have a good relationship and her mom is actually on the same page as me at times. Her mom often emails/talks to my DH about SD laziness, attitude, etc. and how she is getting fed up with it.
So, your thoughts? Normal teenage behavior? This is how she is and I need to relax and deal with it? I am a bad SM because I don't feel for her the way I feel for my DD?
Re: Your thoughts on my situation with SD
My thoughts...that it is sad that you would become so aggrevated over your SD for a personality trait.
What happens if your own DD turns out to be shy or gains a personality that does not "mesh" with your own? Will you look forward to her times out of the house?
Now, I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU HAVE TO LOVE HER AS MUCH AS YOUR OWN CHILD....but you cannot let her SHYNESS put you off. She cannot help it unless you help her.
What you CAN do is research shyness and see what suggestions professionals have to opening up children like this.
As for the other, very normal teenager traits....SUCK IT UP. She is a teenager. Of course she is going to be lazy, irreseponsible and a slacker - these are things that MOST children must be TAUGHT. So teacher her, just like you are going to need to teach your own daughter these traits.
I agree with llumine.
And while I don't think you are a 'bad' stepmom, I do think that it is strange that you feel differently about her than your own DD. I personally love all the kids the same and don't feel any different. I actually fell in love with them and then DH. They live with us full time, so maybe that is why I feel such a motherly connection towards them.
The laziness thing is pretty normal for a teen, and if she is respectful and a good kid, put it out there for her, and let her know what her responsibilities are, and remind her of that when need be. This stage in life is when it is so important to build up self-esteem, and to make sure kids know that they are responsible for themselves and their actions.
I do not think it is strange that you feel differently about her. You are not her mother, and apparently she has a good one who is active in her life, therefore she is not dependent on you to fullfill that motherly role. If she was, maybe you would feel differently about the situation. I am fairly sure, and I could be wrong since I am not a BM, that you will always feel differently about the child you created, carried for nine months, and gave birth too, there has to be a deeper connection there, contrary to what others may say to you. It does not mean that you do not love her, but just differently, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Have you tried working with her on the things that you're talking about? What have you tried already to help her come out of her shell? What about things you've done to work towards being more responsible?
I used to get frustrated with SDs because they don't do ANYTHING, but it turned out, their mom would do everything for them. I don't know if it's because it's easier, or because the SDs don't "do it right" but I started working with them on being more independent. Now they wash their own hair, dry themselves off after a shower (yes, they didn't know how to dry water off of themselves at 6 and 7), they now brush their own teeth, put on their own clothes etc. I just had to show them, and now they're super proud when they do this stuff on their own.
Maybe try working with her on being more responsible and following through with things. You can do a chore chart to help her remember what needs to be done. I might use rewards for this type of stuff. Tell her if she does what she's supposed to do you'll take her to see a movie she's been wanting to see or maybe you'll go to the mall or something.
I don't have any kids of my own yet, but I don't think it's that abnormal that you don't feel the same way about them as you do your own kids. I agree with Illumine though, I hope it's not just because of her personality. You said yourself she's a good kid.
Hope that helps!
Thank you for your feedback....even the somewhat "harsh" feedback from the first two posters. I agree - I need to let it go and just realize it's her personality.?
Working with her on her shyness and some other issues has been done (she has a very intense fear of all animals - dogs, cats, squirrels, etc.- and has seen a counselor for it along with her shyness)...it's her personality, I realize, but as she gets older it comes off a little bit as being rude since she is like that with people she knows very well.
It is NOT because of her personality that I don't feel the same for her as my DD. That sentence came out wrong. The laziness and extreme shyness were a frustration. Not feeling the same about her as my DD was just another point. I love my stepdaughter - it's just not the same type of feeling as with my DD. That is actually something that I do not feel is all that abnormal. As the pp pointed out, she has a very involved mother and does not need me to fulfill that role.?
Thank you for your thoughts.?
Don't feel bad about the harsh posts. Some of the posters on this board feel the need to overly critique peoples lives/post but you will learn when to take it with a grain of salt.
As far as your SD I don't think it is strange that you feel differently about your dd because I have a SS who we share 50/50 custody with his mom and when they are not there over 80% of the time you do not feel that super closeness that you would feel with your dd, when ss was with us full time I felt slightly different about him (closer). Also as far as feeling relieved on occassion when she leaves that is life with a teen. SS is 16 and some days when he leaves I just get this super relaxed feeling, lol. He is a great kid and I love him dearly but the break is nice sometimes. The shyness will eventually wear off and I wouldn't worry too much about it but I would make sure she says thank you/hello etc. to family members even if she is uncomfortable (it is okay to force that issue). If you ever need to talk feel free, i will listen.
Excuse me? I am a bit offended by that comment. First, because you are new and second, because I do not see how I was "overly-critical".
I DO believe I agreed with the poster that is it not unusual to love her SD less than her own DD. But since I agreed with those feelings, I choose to address the other "issues" the OP HERSELF brought up.
Such as the child's shyness. One should never hold a child's shyness against them, as the OP did twice.
And if pointing out to the OP that her misbelief that shyness = rudeness (her own words) will help her come to readjust her opinion of her SD, then MAYBE she will be able to grow CLOSER to her SD.
Same with the OPs feelings about her SD's normal teenage behavior. If you can come to recognize the behavior for what it is , you may just be able to overlook the annoyances and grow closer to the StepChild.
This is something even bioparents have come to understand.
Just a thought.
Ummm, just a note, nothing in this post is harsh, really. If you want to be coddled, stroked and told all will be alright this is not the place for you. It is not sunshine, rainbows, and butterflies on Blended Families. We are for the most part brutally honest, and willing to listen, if the poster is honest themselves and willing to hear what has to be said.
We have to be brutally honest. These ladies told me something the first time I ever posted here-
We are going to tell you how it is. Whether BM is in the wrong or YOU. And we won't sugar coat anything. And they haven't. Listen to these women...they have good advice to give.
I don't think it's unusual to feel different about your SKs than your other kids...I think the biggest reason is b/c the SKs will never be fully yours and also b/c you have not been there from the beginning. I think it's good that you are aware of it and acknowledge it b/c then you can work to control it so that you do not treat them differently/lesser. As for your feelings about her personality, I think that it if was your DD then you would still be frustrated but the unconditional love that you have for her would make it less important. With your DD you have no choice but to work with it but with a SK it's "easier" to get frustrated b/c no matter how long you have known her you are always going to be figuring out your place and what you can and cannot do.
Like I said above, I think that the fact that you acknowledge all of this is great. And yeah, most of her issues are typical of the age - it's impossible for us to know if it's more than that. Just keep trying to ask yourself how you will/would deal with it if it was your DD and do that, you will be ok.
First of all, I don't think it's unusual that you don't feel the same as you do for your DD. I think it takes a lot of honesty and strength to admit that and you should not feel bad about it. It doesn't mean you don't care or don't love them. It's just different. I understand because I know if DH and I had a child of our own, the love I feel and the connection with that child will be different for me.
With that said, I do think it's apparent that you do love your SD. I also think it's great that you, DH and BM get along. That is such a big bonus that many of us don't have. Can you guys try to work on this together? Get some consistency? What motivates this child? Use it. Reward her when she does do what you want. Give her incentive to do the things you want and need her to do. And if she doesn't, take away the things that are important to her if it is fitting.
There are things you can do to encourage her in a positive way. Like others have said, research it a bit and try a few things. I'm sure with a combined effort amongst her parents you can help her out of her shell a little bit and motivate her out of her laziness. And you should not set your expectations too high. Celebrate the small victories and keep trying.
OMG, your kid sounds just like my SD.
Don't worry about the flamers . . . this forum is full of angry women -- it's what happens in Blended Familes! LOL. All I can advice is to be consistent with your expectations of your SD. People are lazy, and people are anti-social or shy . . . It's super hard to have a kid like this when you are the oppossite. Just like my mom had a hard time raising a little diva like me, when she was very reserved.
For her shyness I would recommend involving her in extracurricular activities. Does she do anything? Other than the lazy guitar playing? <Honestly, I think every teen should be sent to that show Exiled for a couple of weeks at least!> Demand that she is polite-- especially to family!!
And for her lazyness, just remind her how important it is to get on board with all in her life . . . Show her to take pride in what she does. Tell her what you are proud of, and what would you like her to improve and why.
Good luck!
Excuse me?!? Where did any of us FLAME her - please give me a direct quote where she was FLAMED? And please point out exactly who you believe to be ANGRY WOMEN - again give me some specific examples?
Just because we do not agree does not make us "angry". Nor does blind support make us happy women.
And that does not include our responses to one poster, who we ALL bent over backwards trying to help before we gave up (when SHE refused to either listen to our advice or stop asking for more help).
Ditto the brilliant Illumine.
Honey, you want to see angry, I and I am sure a few others can show you angry, but there is nothing angry, flameful, or otherwise cruel in this post, nor has there been in a long time.
You know what makes me angry all the serenity seeking, sunshine flinging, BS that has been dripping from this board lately. This is not Sesame Street, or a yoga studio. If you are looking for peace and happiness, please feel free to ask the Nest or the Bump gods to create a Serenity board. Until then, know that this board is a place to get advice, not be coddled. It is also not the place you want to come and call people angry-for no apparent reason. You have now made me angry, and have seen a sliver of angry. Would you care for more?
Anyway, she got lots of advice, and hopefully she takes it for what it is-other peoples opinions. When anyone is going to throw out harsh, angry, whatever, we have a right to defend ourselves, or ask for an explanation. As with any board you should be lurking for a while to see if you would fit in. I read this board for months before posting even once, so that I could learn the lingo, the tone, and the stories of the regular posters.
We are dealing with sensitive subjects here, that bring out a lot of heated emotions, and we do not sugar coat things. If you want sugar, you are in the wrong place. Is there something wrong with being honest about that?
Holy Crap- calm down!
I was not freakin' offended by anything said. I appreciate the feedback. I didn't keep responding because I don't sit on the computer all day and heard your advice and didn't have anything else to say.
Though, I do have to say that after reading illumine's and mrscolleton's responses, I am completely turned off by this board. Not because I am offended - dear God - I have thicker skin than that and they did give some sound advice. I am turned off by how completely self-righteous you both come off in your posts. mrscolleton - "I find it strange that you feel differently about your SD than your DD....I love all of my children exactly the same..." illumine - "we all bent over backwards to help her until we just gave up." Please - get over yourselves and your self-righteousness.
I had this long reply that I was going to make. But God or fate lost the first post and by needing to rewrite it, I have come to some clarity.
In trying to defend myself from being called "Harsh" and "Angry", I have created a self-fulfilling prophesy, so to speak.
I can only direct you to two points and hope that you understand where I was coming from.
First, my "harsh" response to you was based on your own post. I did not have the luxury of knowing that you had already tried working on her shyness, nor did I know that you were trying to bring up TWO points in one post.
It is a valid assumption that if you main hypothesis is that you do not love your SD as much as your DD and then you point out her extreme shyness and normal teenage 'tude in the same post....they are the cause of your problem. And therefore I replied to those points.
We can only go with what YOU write you know.
Second, while I am am a bit offended by being called "self-righteous", I understand that I did exactly what you did. My response was not to you, but to another poster who "called me out" and who was here for that situation. My comment about my frustration with that one poster was directed to HER, since she was here at that time.
So of course, to you I sounded self-righteous....but that was not my intent. And you would not know that, since you are new and have no idea about the back story............yeah, a little egg on my face
I am going to say this though. We are a group made up of very different women. We come from all parts of the country, with different socio-economic, religious, cultural and educational backgrounds. We all have different perspectives, based on our own relationships and experiences with our blended families. But the ONE common denominator is our commitment to our DH and our children, biological or bonus.
We are probably not going to be mushy-sweet, even when we DO agree. This IS NOT because we like to cut each other down, but because we know each other that well and have moved past the fluff AND because we have learned that you lose the point of a post when you fluff it up or it goes to long - brevity and all that.
I do hope that you give the board and me a second chance.
I'm fairly sure this is taken out of context. She wasn't referring to you in any way, shape or form, but was in reference to someone who threw a hissy-fit and no longer posts here.