How Should I handle this situation ?

tammy79

I picked up DS#3 yesterday from school, and I asked him how his day was first thing he said to me " well not good, Mrs. R pinched me, and I did not get to go outside to the playground with my friends because I was crying ". I asked him why why did Mrs. R pinched you ? " Because I would not say sorry to S ( another classmate), he then proceeded to show me where Mrs. R pinched him. 

SO I shot an email to the lead teacher, as Mrs. R is the assistant. I was very general, and explained to her that DS said that Mrs. R pinched him and he did not get to go to the playground, and we just wanted to see what happened so that we could talk to him. 

She replied: He was just being stubborned, what happened was that DS tripped and fell down, one of his classmate was standing next to him and asked him if he was ok, he just made a grumpy noise and refused to answer her, and Mrs. R insisted that he answer her because S the classmate was being very caring by asking him if he was ok, and they continue to insist that he answer her, so DS started crying and would not stopped. so they said he could not go outside for recess. 

tammy79

Accidentally hit post before I could finished/edit, ugh. 

Now I should add, DS#2 is no angel, he is the most stubborn, strong willed child ever, he totally give us a run for our money, and he's a complete clown. He gets in trouble at home quite a bit, he just wants it his way all the time, he's the youngest of 3. so I know he can be hard. He is also very blunt with his words.

That being said I am furious with the teachers reply, because initially I figured he got into trouble, because he did something wrong, and while not answering the classmate was not good manners, I don't feel like he should have gotten into trouble for it. not loose his recess over it.   And she also did not address the whole pinching accusation at all. And I actually believed that she pinched him when she grabbed his shirt to take him over to the rug area for a time out. 

I did not answer her email, we have conference that was already schedule for tomorrow, so I will address the issue there.  but not really sure what to say to them yet. 

neverblushed

I'm not sure from your post, but I'm guessing that this is a preschool, since there are multiple teachers in the room and based on the type of behavior of the kids.  So, I'm answering as though it's a preschool setting.  If you're dealing with your local elementary school here, that would change my answer.

While you are in the conference, I think the main thing you want to have in the back of your mind is whether you are going to keep your child in the school.  If they can explain themselves and respond to the pinching incident in a way that makes you feel comfortable, and you really like the school, then maybe give them another chance.  If you don't like the way they respond, then you have to look for another school -- no question.

If you decide to keep your child in the school, you might want to talk to the teachers about coming up with some kind of plan for dealing with your son's behavior.  With a kid who's really defiant like your son, there are bigger problems to worry about than forcing him to politely acknowledge when another kid asks if he's okay. Sheesh!  You and the teachers need to develop a really basic, airtight system of expectations and consequences that you use both at school and at home.  This will help all of you -- and your son!

Even if the conference doesn't go well and you wind up looking for another school, you probably need to develop some kind of system for helping your son gain better control over his actions.  If he's as poorly behaved as you say he is, he's really going to struggle in school settings.  Teachers are not going to want to work with him or help him; they're always going to be frustrated by him.  Just my $.02, but I think you need to be strong and hold him to a higher standard!  In this post it seems like you're just writing off his behavior as "natural" for a 3rd and youngest kid.  I think it is normal for the youngest kid to try hard to keep up with the older siblings, and therefore to be a little more daring.  But it's not "normal" for youngest kids to always have behavior problems just because they're the youngest.

tammy79

neverblushed said:

I'm not sure from your post, but I'm guessing that this is a preschool, since there are multiple teachers in the room and based on the type of behavior of the kids.  So, I'm answering as though it's a preschool setting.  If you're dealing with your local elementary school here, that would change my answer.

While you are in the conference, I think the main thing you want to have in the back of your mind is whether you are going to keep your child in the school.  If they can explain themselves and respond to the pinching incident in a way that makes you feel comfortable, and you really like the school, then maybe give them another chance.  If you don't like the way they respond, then you have to look for another school -- no question.

If you decide to keep your child in the school, you might want to talk to the teachers about coming up with some kind of plan for dealing with your son's behavior.  With a kid who's really defiant like your son, there are bigger problems to worry about than forcing him to politely acknowledge when another kid asks if he's okay. Sheesh!  You and the teachers need to develop a really basic, airtight system of expectations and consequences that you use both at school and at home.  This will help all of you -- and your son!

Even if the conference doesn't go well and you wind up looking for another school, you probably need to develop some kind of system for helping your son gain better control over his actions.  If he's as poorly behaved as you say he is, he's really going to struggle in school settings.  Teachers are not going to want to work with him or help him; they're always going to be frustrated by him.  Just my $.02, but I think you need to be strong and hold him to a higher standard!  In this post it seems like you're just writing off his behavior as "natural" for a 3rd and youngest kid.  I think it is normal for the youngest kid to try hard to keep up with the older siblings, and therefore to be a little more daring.  But it's not "normal" for youngest kids to always have behavior problems just because they're the youngest.

I meant to post this on the Preschool age board. DS is 3 years old, I do not condone his behaving in any shape of form, and we are very consistent with him. some of his his behavior is typical for a 3 year old boy,  we went through the same thing with DS#1 at this age. and I also know that he is getting use to the school setting as well. while I did say he was the youngest of 3, no where did I say it was natural or just writing it off as such.    

My main concern at this point is this Pinching issue, and also I think punishing him for not answering a classmate is ridiculous.  

tammy79

I did eventually send a reply to the lead teacher, stating that I disagree with the way things were handled, and thought that DS was punished for no apparent reason.  She admitted while she agree with us and also thought DS was unfairly punished she felt that her hands were tied at that moment.  ( ugh, huge red flag for me).  But of course not denying or acknowledging the pinching at all. 

Sadly this one of the better private Catholic school in our area, and all 3 of the kids are there, so I really I hope I don't have to pull him out.  We will be meeting with The lead teacher, assistant ( whom with have the issue with), and the principal today. DH  called up the principal yesterday, and demanded that she attend the meeting today, so we shall see. 

Littlejen22

It sounded like there was a mark. I would march in there and ask for answers. If it is remotely confirmed that she pinched him I would insist that she is no longer in his room. If she took his arm to bring him to so something I would just keep an eye out in the future. I would also ask the director point blank what their expectations are for 3yos that have just been injured regarding manners because that is an insane expectation.

KellyD01

I'm with the above who think it's an insane standard to expect a 3 year old who just fell and got hurt... whether physical or just pride to immediately have the presence of mind to respond to a classmate. DD's who are 3 when they've tripped want me and frequently get rough with each other or their brother if they get in the way of their path to mom. We handle it everytime... we don't believe it's an appropriate response... but it's neither a response deserving of a time our or a lost recess. It sounds like he got both?? and dear lord the pinching would have me irate. Just the fact that the lead teacher appears to be ignoring it speaks volumes as to it happening IMO. Good luck at the meeting!

neverblushed

Tammy -- I apologize if I misunderstood what you meant by "DS#2 is no angel, he is the most stubborn, strong willed child ever, he totally give us a run for our money, and he's a complete clown. He gets in trouble at home quite a bit, he just wants it his way all the time, he's the youngest of 3. so I know he can be hard. He is also very blunt with his words."

I know this is ultimately about the teacher's bad actions, not whatever your son did -- and really, all he did was take a tumble and hurt himself, poor guy! 

My point was that if you aren't in a position where you can just pull him out of school, and the school doesn't agree to do anything about the teacher who pinched him (or doesn't really admit that it happened) then you may be dealing with a situation where teachers are sort of prejudiced towards your son because of his behavior, which you state can be very difficult.

If you can't pull him out, and their reaction is just to punish him instead of work with him to teach him better self-control, your only alternative is to help him learn that self-control at home.

However, knowing that it's a private school, I'd be inclined to pull him out for the year and bring him back again when he's 4.

tammy79

So we had the meeting, Both teachers were, the principal and the assistant principal.  they all admitted that the whole situation was mishandled, and that DS was inappropriately punished. She did denied pinching him, but she said she did pinched his shirt to get him into the time out corner, but again should have used a better method to work with him.  

They completely back peddled on the whole situation , I think it was a way to make us feel better.  But the to be honest the damage has already been done, and I don't think DS is connecting well with the teacher/assistant. DH and I have talked about it, and are considering remove DS this year, and bringing him back for Kindergarten. 

Mama-Bear

I'd have my kids out of there so fast.  She accidentally pinched him by trying to pinch his shirt, that's NEVER happened in our house, sorry but an arm feels a heck of a lot different than just a shirt.  The teacher's hands being tied is BS, if she's the lead teacher then SHE makes the call and should've spoken up then, your kid was punished and there's no taking that back, he lost that recess because he was hurt, NOT cool.  When my kids are hurt as yours was and another comes over to check on them, I tell them that _____ is ok but hurt so we're going to let mommy snuggle him for a few minutes (pretty much answering for him but also saying kindly to leave him alone).  Now, I have the user name Mama_Bear for a reason, I'm very protective over my kids, but this would not fly with me.  Heck, I pulled one of our twins out of a daycare because of how the teacher was speaking to me about him in front of him (they were only going for 6w) after 1 day.   I feel like I'm rambling but I'm pissed off at them for you.

Littlejen22

I would freak out. WFT is punching a shirt?! I call BS, she pinched your son out if anger and that is totally unacceptable. I would go back to them and state that since she admitted to pinching him if she is not removed from your child's classroom you are filing a complaint with DFYS and any other organization that oversees the school. No one gets to hurt a child for no reason. If he was throwing things and she accidentally pinched him while carrying him for safety it would be different.