Looking for advice

Livinginclip84

Long story short. DH and I have been married for 4 years and are expecting our first child in November. This will be the first grandchild on either side. Family wise, I am from a very close family. I talk to y mom and siblings everyday, multiple times a day. DH is also close to my family and talks to them frequently.asfor Dh'sfamily. We talk with him parents- but ot super often, they do not approve of our life, how we live, what we do and our political religious vies. Neither of my Ial's have immediat family. Just extended family that we do not talk to. MIL recently told my DH that she would like to have a shower for me with the baby coming, DH informed her that due to religious reasons, ( I am jewish- we don't do showers because we consider it to be bad luck-- https://www.jewfaq.org/m/birth.htm )I would not be ok with that. She told DH that she thought it was "stupid" that we are not having one. That she goes to a ton and that she feels socially she must invite her family to a shower for me. DH suggested. A meet the baby party after the holidays so that her family could come meet the baby- but to put " no gifts necessary" on the invite. Mind you her family is openly hostile with us regarding our beliefs. But it seemed like a good olive branch at the time. Now I get a phone call from my mom saying that MIL called her to tell her that DH and I were selfish to not let her throw a shower.. My mom tried to explain why and MIL is just refusing to understand. I am not really sure whAt to do in this situation and would appreciate feedback if you have it.

Portland1916

Your MIL is being selfish and really ignorant. This is not about her and she needs to focus her energy elsewhere. You are in a bummer situation, as you want to keep MIL happy, but really, at this point it has been explained to her multiple times. Next time it is brought up just put your foot down. "We will not be having a shower. Thank you for respecting that. End of story ." Have you talked to your rabbi? Any suggestions/guidance on that end, or maybe someone from sisterhood or something? Surely you aren't the only one in your congregation that has dealt with this. I'm sure there is someone who has been in a similar position. Hang in there and remember if this is the worst argument you have with the in-laws about baby (yeah, right) that's not too bad.

EastCoastBride

Yeah, I also thought it was just before the baby was born. 

Regardless, if you dont' want to go to an event thrown by her at all - shower, meet the baby, or whatever - then just say no.  You've told her why - so stop explaining.

But also dont' expect her to magically change.  You KNOW what she's like.  She doesn't respect you.  She isn't going to suddenly change her ways over this issue.

Livinginclip84

Correct. We do not do them before the baby is born. By my MIL did not think it should till be called a shower if LO was here. Hence the "meet the baby" party. Rabbi David laughed and laughed. He has dealt with my MIL before like when she wanted to do a reading at the wedding and we explained to her that jews don't do readings -ESP from the we testament at weddings. Oy

EastCoastBride

Livinginclip84 said:

By my MIL did not think it should till be called a shower if LO was here. Hence the "meet the baby" party.

Ah, gotcha.  I'm just going to say it again - you know what she's like.  I'd stop w/ the olive branches.  Her family is openly hostile towards your beliefs?  Hell no, I wouldn't entertain having an event w/ them, especially when it's planned around your beliefs! 

You KNOW she's going to tell them "I wanted it before, but JEWISH people "don' believe" (** eye roll **) in showers before the baby is born.  Isn't that ridiculous?!" - and people will show up w/ an attitude. 

Don't even give her an inch. 

panicked228

I would also be cautious about the "Oh, hey, why don't you all come over today?" and then SURPRISE! It's a baby shower!!! Talk with your husband and make a plan in the even that she springs something on you.

PunkyBooster

This is your mil issue.

I cannot imagine I'm the only one judging her fir callig your Jewish beliefs and superstitions "stupid"

Can you imagine what others are saying about her?

NicCart81

Sorry you are going through this.    If they are your religious beliefs, then they're YOUR beliefs.  She just has to learn to accept it and you go forward being proud that you stood up for yourself and your religion.  

ArgyleBride

panicked228 said:

I would also be cautious about the "Oh, hey, why don't you all come over today?" and then SURPRISE! It's a baby shower!!! Talk with your husband and make a plan in the even that she springs something on you.

If this happens, you turn around and leave.  Optional quick apology to guests, possibly from DH while you wait in the car.

RibbitGrl930

It is sad to me that, in an age such as ours in which acceptance, grace, and coexistence are touted as being the norm, someone would be so disrespectful of another person's beliefs. Whether she agrees with them, your beliefs are YOUR beliefs and they are to be honored without catty commentary.

I'm with ECB, I wouldn't accept an offer from her as she'd find a way to try and make you look bad or at least just bitch and moan the whole time. It's not worth it, IMHO.

tatianaazulay

I had a similar problem with my mil ... I ended up accepting a small shower for her immediate family only, but things have gotten out of proportion and now she is having over 40 guests....now I feel very uncomfortable.... I'm also jewish and didn't really want to celebrate before the baby was here. I really recommend gracefully decline the shower as soon as possible and maybe convince her of throwing something after the baby... U will feel better at the end ( I wish I had done that....)