Family Issues Long Story — The Bump
LGBT Parenting

Family Issues Long Story

kristynlee710kristynlee710
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edited October 2013 in LGBT Parenting
This is a bit of a vent and am needing advice. I am 29 weeks today with our first and my wife and I are over the moon excited. I am adopted so this is also very exciting for me to have a biological connection with someone. My family is excited as this is the first grandchild, unfortunately they all love out of state which is about a seven hour drive. Their excitement has been surprising and heartwarming because they have not always been supportive of my "lifestyle". It's been disappointing because my wife's family, with the exception of her mom, has been supportive of our relationship but seem somewhat disinterested in the pregnancy. My wife's younger sister has been trying to get pregnant. When we stopped by her parents the other night and were basically yelled at for even mentioning anything having to do with my pregnancy to or around her sister. My wife was understandably very upset and I felt horrible seeing her like that.

When I was a kid I had a bad reaction to my Dtap vaccine so I never received any boosters. My OB has recommended that I not receive a Tdap until after I give birth and our LO won't receive her first Dtap until she is 8 weeks. On a recommendation from my OB and our pediatrician we have asked immediate family who will be spending a lot of time with us to consider getting their Tdap. My family is on board but we were also yelled at for asking her family. Her dad told us that if we are demanding such things then he doesn't need to be involved with the baby until she's been vaccinated.

Re: Family Issues Long Story

  • Ug, family can suck, as much as we love them...

    A couple thoughts...there is no law against having two showers - lots of people do it so it isn't a 4-hour gift opening event. So, have one of your friends who offered to do a shower do a fun/friend one. It can be exactly what you want! As for the other, keep it to a family-only and it can be restricted and stuffy or whatever. You'll know the 'real' one is coming.

    As for the vaccine thing, talk to your doc about the real risk; go from there. I admit, I might be not-a-fan of getting a vaccine if there was only 8 weeks of 'risk' time.

    The bigger thing is - and I think this is not abnormal in same sex couples - the non-pregnant person's family don't always see the baby as "theirs" -  and sadly a lot of our families see gay relationships as transient and because the baby is not genetically theirs and if you split up, the baby would go to you and so they don't get attached....or, sadly, acknowledge it. It's really sh*tty and unfair and I'm sorry for you and esp. for your wife.

    Hang in there, it'll be different once the baby is here, usually anyhow, for now, I'd say this is just one of those things to endure with as much grace as you can. My ex-wife's family was pretty awful toward me, and sometimes even worse toward her. I get that pain - I hope things resolve quickly or that you two are able to make a plan to tolerate this tough time. :(

    Lil'mamaz was born on Aug 21, 2014! She's PERFECT!

    It's been a long road to here...
    Me (43) and J (45) - same sex couple. And we don't feel 40+!
    June'12 - First RE Visit
    Sept. '12 - Tubes removed
    Dec. '12 - Donor Egg/Donor Sperm IVF Cycle - 4 good embies!
    Dec. '12 - Fresh transfer, BFP! EDD 8/29/13
    Mar. '13 - Missed m/c at 16w1d, baby boy stopped growing at 15w4d
    Loss due to umbilical cord clot...baby was perfect. :(
    Jul '13 - FET#1 - c/p
    Sept. '13 - FET#2 - BFN
    Dec.' 2, 2013 - FET#3 with our last chance embie - BFP!!!
    Dec' 26, 2013 - hb!!
    EDD 8/20/14 with a baby girl!
    Little S was born on 8/21/14 - 8lb, 14 oz and 20 inches long.
    We live in Seattle and used SRM for our donor egg IVF cycle


    imageimageimageimage

  • I think 2mamaz said it very well. Wish you the best!
    ****loss discussed*****

    We're queer. I'm 33, have severe stage 4 endo, and had both fallopian tubes removed. My love ("Manada" on the boards, 32) was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve. We did Partner IVF (my eggs, her uterus). We lost our twins Tavin and Casey at 21 weeks gestation.

    Our IUIs
    with @Manada: IUI# 1-7 (December 2012- September 2013) all BFN. Tried natural, femara, clomid, puregon/follistim, clomid and menopur combo, both the ovidrel and HCG triggers.

    Our IVFs:
    IVF #1 my eggs November/December 2013: Cancelled IVF due to poor response

    IVF #2 my eggs/Manada's uterus January/February 2014
    BCPs and lupron overlap Stimmed: 1/22-2/2: Bravelle and Menopur (dosage ranged from B300 and M150 to B375 and M150 to B300 and M225)
    2/4 retrieved 10 eggs. Endo was much worse than expected. Only 3 eggs fertilized; February 7 transferred two day 3 embryos, froze one. All great condition.
    BFP eve of 6dp3dt; Beta 1 (11dp3dt): 110; Beta 2 (13dp3dt): 175; Beta 3 (15dp3dt): 348; Beta 4 (19dp3dt): 2222; Beta 5 (21dp3dt): 4255
    1st ultrasound (3/6  6w 1d): TWINS!!!! Twin A measuring 6w1d with a heartbeat of 118bpm. Twin B measuring 6w0d with a heartbeat of 113bpm. 

    ***July 18, 2014 we lost our beautiful babies at 21 weeks gestation. They were born too early. Tavin Sara T. and Casey Elizabeth T. are beautiful and precious and we will love them and miss them forever.***

    FET #1 December 2014
    Intralipid infusion on Dec 10. Transfer of 1 day 3 nine-cell embryo into my uterus on Dec. 19. (acupuncture immediately before and after)
    BFP on Dec. 27; Beta 1 Jan 2 (14dp3dt): 665, Beta 2 Jan 4 (16dp3dt): 1859, Beta 3 Jan 6 (18dp3dt): 4449, Beta 4 Jan 10 (22dp3dt): 12,251.



      Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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  • I don't have much to offer aside from what 2mamaz said...

    One thing that came up in our queer family planning class was that once there is an actual baby around your inlaws may come around quickly. You are totally within your rights as a parent to set boundaries around your kids' safety, but they are also allowed to say No. It may just be harder for them to say No when there is an adorable baby there to love and cuddle!

    Maybe your sister in law just needs some acknowledgement from you as well that TTC is hard and stressful. I too would sideeye the drama after 5 months of TTC via sex, but I also know that infertility is really scary and lonely - and often I just want acknowledgment from pregnant people in my life that its okay to be a bit sad for myself when faced with other people's good luck....
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    queer couple - 32 (me) & 33 (my love) years old - donor sperm,

    Our IF/TTC journey since Nov 2012.

    Me: dx of DOR in Nov. 2012. Low AMH, AFC - 6, Normal FSH, SS-A (RO) Antibodies (Autoimmune issues), tubes clear, Sono (November 2013) NORMAL! <p>

    7 IUI's - December 2012-September 2013.  Medicated, Injected, Triggered.... all BFN.

    My Love:  (the amazing @Healz413)
    Normal AMH & FSH, AFC ~27, blocked tube dx'd via HSG in 2012.   Hydrosalpinx & ovarian cyst dx'd in May 2013.
    dx of Stage IV Endo & bilateral salpinectomy in June 2013.  

    image

    Partner IVF#1a- December 2013 - H's eggs, my Ute - CANCELLED due to low response
    Partner IVF #1b - February 2014 - H's eggs, my Ute - ER February 4 (10 retrieved, 3 fertilized), Transfer Feb 7 of one Grade 1 and one Grade 2 day 3 embryos.  1 - Day 3, Grade 1 frosty saved.   BFP - 6dp3dt via FRER, Beta #1 - 110, Beta #2 175, Beta #3 - 348, Beta #4 - 2222!, Beta #5 - 4255.  Ultrasound (6w1d) - 2 heartbearts!  

    We lost our beautiful Twin baby girls on June 18, 2014.  Tavin Sara and Casey Elizabeth were born at 21 weeks gestation and were absolutely beautiful, precious, amazing babies.  We miss our daughters every day and love them with all our hearts.

    image

    wishiwaspreggo
  • That said - good luck. I really hope the drama subsides soon and you feel better!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    queer couple - 32 (me) & 33 (my love) years old - donor sperm,

    Our IF/TTC journey since Nov 2012.

    Me: dx of DOR in Nov. 2012. Low AMH, AFC - 6, Normal FSH, SS-A (RO) Antibodies (Autoimmune issues), tubes clear, Sono (November 2013) NORMAL! <p>

    7 IUI's - December 2012-September 2013.  Medicated, Injected, Triggered.... all BFN.

    My Love:  (the amazing @Healz413)
    Normal AMH & FSH, AFC ~27, blocked tube dx'd via HSG in 2012.   Hydrosalpinx & ovarian cyst dx'd in May 2013.
    dx of Stage IV Endo & bilateral salpinectomy in June 2013.  

    image

    Partner IVF#1a- December 2013 - H's eggs, my Ute - CANCELLED due to low response
    Partner IVF #1b - February 2014 - H's eggs, my Ute - ER February 4 (10 retrieved, 3 fertilized), Transfer Feb 7 of one Grade 1 and one Grade 2 day 3 embryos.  1 - Day 3, Grade 1 frosty saved.   BFP - 6dp3dt via FRER, Beta #1 - 110, Beta #2 175, Beta #3 - 348, Beta #4 - 2222!, Beta #5 - 4255.  Ultrasound (6w1d) - 2 heartbearts!  

    We lost our beautiful Twin baby girls on June 18, 2014.  Tavin Sara and Casey Elizabeth were born at 21 weeks gestation and were absolutely beautiful, precious, amazing babies.  We miss our daughters every day and love them with all our hearts.

    image

  • I agree that babies have a magical way of changing peoples views! My wife's family was not accepting of us and much worse the pregnancy.  Her mom never asked about the pregnancy and we ultimately feared that they would not view LO as their grand baby.  To our surprise her mom was at the hospital during my 24 hour horrible labor! She even calls her granddaughter and has made special trips to see her in the last 6 months (she lives 3 hours away).  So just keep the faith that they will come around and hopefully they can be happy for both of you.  

    Good luck and hang in there! Remember what is truly important right now....You, your wife, and LO!

    And I agree with the 2 showers! I wish we had 2 showers to separate friends and family. 
  • I third the 2 showers idea.  I know I'll probably have two myself (one from C's family/friends, one from my family/friends since we all live in the same state but in separate parts).  And indeed, your in-laws will change their tune as soon as your LO is born.  Try to be patient and let them do their thing.  We unfortunately cannot change other people's attitudes, as annoying as they are.

    My brothers and uncles aren't terribly enthusiastic about me trying to get pregnant, for what it's worth.  I'm hoping their hearts will soften when they see a wee one when I come for the holidays.

    In any case, I also agree with @Manada.  Sure, it's annoying that your SIL is upset with not being pregnant after 5 months of baby dancing especially with how difficult and expensive it is for us folks to conceive without biological male partner.  But if you dismiss her pain, it won't make her feel any better about it, ya know?  She's suffering and even if it seems silly, it's real to her.  Maybe her friends all got pregnant after a couple months, and maybe she's really afraid there's something wrong with her body or his sperm.  She could be facing a painful road to genuine infertility and that may be consuming her thoughts. 

    In any case, try your best to bear your in-laws poor behavior.  I'm sure this is putting a tremendous amount of stress on your wife, too.  No one likes to have family who causes personal marital strife!  Avoid them if you can, brush off their stupidity, and when LO comes along you can (hopefully) expect a smoother relationship :)

    IUI 08/2013 - natural cycle, BFN
    IUI 10/2013 - Clomid cycle, BFN
    IUI 11/2013 - Clomid cycle, BFN
    IUI 03/2014 - Clomid cycle, BFN
    IUI 05/2014 - Femara + FSH, BFN
    IUI 06/2014 - FSH, BFP! DS born 02/2015

    TTC #2 (and #3)
    W IUI 08/2017 - Femara, BFN
    W IUI 10/2017 - Femara, BFN
    W diagnosed as low AMH
    Me: PCOS
    Myo-Inositol, NAC, prenatals
    IUI 03/2018 - Gonal F - BFN

    INVOcell IVF September 2018 - BFP!!! B/G Twins born 04/2019
  • Thanks everyone for the insight! Hoping things improve with time.
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