We've come a long way.....but

NickiChick

Like many, ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of being a mother. Whenever I got into the, "what's your biggest fear?" conversation with anyone I always said not being able to have bio kids. I wanted it all....the cute pregnancy announcement, the uncomfortable belly, the natural delivery, the breastfeeding, and the child. It's been a hard road that DH and I have suffered mostly alone. I was in a dark place for a while, but through God's grace, I am at peace with our decision to adopt. I'm excited and have spent enough time mourning the loss of our bio child that I feel I can move on. It took a while to get here, but I'm here and that's all that matters. Because I'm stupid and carried this infertility as something shameful we haven't told many people about our IF struggles. I wish I hadn't felt shame in the past and hid what was going on, but I can't go back and change that. The only people who know are my parents, and a few close friends at church. I have been naive and thought we could announce our adoption just as someone would announce their pregnancy. I'm starting to realize that is not the case. We told my parents a few weekends ago and it was just a conversation like one we would have if we were telling them we were renovating a bathroom. In fact, I think they would be more excited and ask more questions if we were renovating a bathroom! My mom just said it wouldn't be her decision, but she'd love any child. Now I'm facing the fact we have to tell DH's family. His family is unique. His mom is a lactation consultant who is taking classes to be a dula. ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT IS BIRTH! How beautiful birth is, how you don't understand true love until you birth a baby, who she thinks babies look most like, and on and on and on. I dread telling her! I so badly just want to say, "we're adopting!" And have her be excited. I know it will blind side her so DH wants to start by teling our whole story. It makes me angry that we HAVE TO give her so many intimate details to explain our decision. If we were telling her we were pregnant we wouldn't tell her how we conceived the baby. I would rather creatively announce we are adopting and address the questions as she asks them instead of going into a whole long drawn out recollection of every IF treatment we've done. Is this realistic since we are blind siding her? On the other side we have DH's dad and grandma (parents are divorced). His dad's been married 5 times and has 4 kids. All of DH's half siblings have gotten pregnant at 15-17 years of age. We (28 and 29) are ancient and should already have kids in their opinion. We constantly get asked, "are you working on my grand kid or does so and so (teen) have to pop another out?" We've lied and said we wanted to pay off studen loans first. One time his dad asked if we've been to a doctor yet but then talked himself though the question by saying the " family name" obviously doesn't have trouble with fertility. This really hurt. We are unexplained and I have a feeling they wouldn't understand that. i'm afraid they would blame me for the only son to not carry on the genes. I feel like we have come so far and now we have to go back and face the firing squad. Did anyone else find themselves in a similar situation blindsiding family with their adoption? "Surprise we are adopting Becuase we have been through a 2 year IF struggle we never told you about?" Sorry this is so long. I needed the vent and would love to hear your perspective.

NickiChick

Ugh, I promise I put that in paragraphs! I'm bumping from an iPad, is that the problem?

maryoosa

Ok. First, welcome.

People can be weird about adoption. Remember- most of what people know about adoption is from the media- and the media very rarely does adoption any favors...ie. Baby Veronica, re-homing etc.  So when families don't seem supportive about adoption, it's often because all they hear about are horror stories- not positive adoption stories.

As far as your DH's family---why not try this "We'd like to share with you that after 2 years of very invasive and emotionally painful fertility treatments, we have decided to adopt a child." If she asks personal questions you can just say "It's been a really rough few years and I'm just not ready to discuss the procedures I had. I hope you can respect that"

We didn't blindside our family. We live in an apartment above my family home-so when we'd show up at home with sperm donation tanks, clearly, people asked questions. Additionally, we were really open about our fertility struggles with everyone- starting with "We're queer, there isn't ever going to be an accidental pregnancy,it's always going to require at least a doctor or midwife.  However, this doesn't mean that our extended family was all happy over our choice to adopt. Particularly my in-law's and their extended family had all kinds of stupid things to say, and they continue to be stupid-though they love the baby.

Finally, in terms of the whole birth experience--- our son's mom shared so much of her pregnancy with us, that I feel like I had a very full experience.  (Now, I never actually wanted to give birth---so there is that)... but also, you can breastfeed an adopted baby. It just takes a bit of work-but it's possible.

Basically, don't let people make you feel like you have to explain any of your decisions to them. You are doing what is right to grow your family. That's what matters.

JoaPata

Hi there, I just wanted you to know that I had very similar issues.  We tried to conceive for 5 years.  My mom in law bought baby items the first year of our marriage and the second Christmas I went to her home and saw a baby stocking made for me for when we have our baby.  I felt so much pressure and with the loss that we were going through ourselves of not getting pregnant I felt more angry then anything.  I mourned also and then I decided to be blunt about our infertility.  My mother in law still says she has a lot of stuff for our baby (adoptive) although my DH and I have a broad age range that includes not just babies.  I know she has to deal with her loss also.  I think there are still wonderful ways to make it special with Adoption Announcements, parties and unique things.  I am choosing not to tell all of my friends and will send a "and now we are 3" type announcements with us and our child.  I also plan to have a shower once we are officially matched or when I bring our child home.  I hope your parents get more into it in time..  Infertility is a very difficult path that people just can't understand that have not been there.  You will have my support and can always PM.  My DH and I are 36 and 38 so time is not on our side for any miracle of a natural child.  My adoptive child is going to be my miracle and my child none the less.  I am choosing to speak openly with my friends regarding infertility because I want to raise awareness of the hurtful comments people say and also raise awareness of infertility.  One guy at work told my DH that he would never adopt.  He would keep doing IVF because that would not be his child.  People all have their thoughts and I choose to focus on the excitement of bringing my child home and not on the pressure/negativity of the few.  I think your mom will be over the moon when you are matched.  I am wondering if your family is not extremely hesitant because they know of the sensitivities.    Also, I got much more comfortable talking about infertility once I came out of the infertility closet.  I don't know if all do but it helped me.  My husband and I kept saying that we were "in negotiations" on children when people asked over and over about having them and now I say bluntly that I am infertile.  The expression is usually that of OMG! but I think it is important for people to know how personal what they are saying is and how maybe they should think before all of the comments.  I don't know if it works but I feel better.  Hang in there!!  Adoption is a exciting journey and hopefully you will have support and excitement coming your way soon.  :-)

Dr.Loretta

You might be pleasantly surprised, and some of it may be in your attitude going into it.

My family was in the loop through our IF, so the conversation just naturally started focusing on adoption. DH's family is very negative and knew nothing about our IF or our adoption plans. We picked a weekend MIL was visiting, and DH told her while i was out. Her first reaction was to ask why, and H told her we had 3 losses. When i got home i said, "So you heard our news?" She got this long face and looked sympathetic. I gave her a big smile and said, "We're so excited!" and she brightened right up.

Of the 2 families, MIL did more reading after that and was pretty comfortable with adoption once DD came along. She loves DD with all her heart and it's never been an issue.

My advice: prepare for the worst, hope for the best. And be prepared for your MIL to expect you to induce lactation or use a milk bank

And really, it's YOUR choice how open you want to be about your IF.

Flamingo86

Everyone has given you good advice. I'm sorry you had a rough time but I'm glad you are feeling at peace about adopting now.

GL in telling your family. I hope it goes well.

JoshKrisAdopt

maryoosa said:

As far as your DH's family---why not try this "We'd like to share with you that after 2 years of very invasive and emotionally painful fertility treatments, we have decided to adopt a child." If she asks personal questions you can just say "It's been a really rough few years and I'm just not ready to discuss the procedures I had. I hope you can respect that"

I think this wording is fantastic. Making it clear that it was painful and a hard subject to talk about will hopefully deter unwanted questions. I had similar pressure to reproduce from my MIL but she is excited about the adoption. It's sad that people who have no experience with IF give themselves away so easily. What matters in the long run is how you and DH feel about it, that you're at peace. No one else's opinion really matters.

aligross

Welcome! 

Infertility sucks. There is not one thing about it that is good... it is an emotional process that has no path that is easy! When it came down to telling family about our adoption we announced it as anyone would announce a pregnancy... First we told our parents, siblings and grandparents... after that we sent out cute cards to our closest family and friends asking for their prayers for all birthmom's, babies and then for us and our journey. We told them that it is a long road, and one that is unknown but we know that with God's love and guidance we are on the path to becoming parents! We praised them for their love and support through out the years and really gave it back to those we were writing to saying thank you for their love and how we were excited to have our children know their love someday. We received HUGE support and love! I got cards for weeks after our announcement congratulating us and offering their love, prayers and support. It felt like we were announcing something special, it was something special to us! 

I really think that you need to do what is comfortable for you. We didn't know how everyone was going to react, but we weren't willing to hide our pain, joy, excitement, fears and hopes anymore! 

Good luck - my thoughts and prayers are with you! 

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kva11isho

Wow.  It sounds like you've dealt with a lot, and I'm sorry that you've had to go through it.  You've found a good place for support here though, and I think all of the advice posted here has been spot on.

DH and I also felt a lot of pressure from our families (mainly his) to start having children.  We waited 3 years after we were married to start TTC.  In that time there were 5 babies born between our families, including an unexpected pregnancy which hit the family very hard (and unfortunately is still a subject for conflict - not because of the baby, but because of parental choices).  We kept our efforts on trying to start a family to ourselves.  We always planned on waiting to share any pregnancy until after the first trimester, just incase.  Turns out we didn't have to worry about that. 

After a year TTC with no success we were referred to a urologist, where we found out about our MFI.  We didn't know what we were going to do at that point (other than we already knew we didn't want to pursue treatment), but we wanted the questions about starting a family to stop.  DH's family has been known to make very judgemental statements about women who have trouble with pregnancy, so even though we didn't want to place blame on one another we did tell them that we are unable to have children and it's a male fertility issue and to please not ask us about it anymore.  We didn't mention anything to my family until we announced that we were starting the adoption process.

A few months later we learned about adoption and decided that it was OUR path!  When we brought our excitement to our families we were faced with questions like, "don't you want to try treatment, just once?" and "won't the real parents try to take the baby back?" and "what if they use drugs?"  etc, etc, etc.  Almost everyone we know only knows about adoption from the media and from years ago.  We did our best to educate them on how OUR adoption will go and to let them know that we are thrilled.  I did recommend a book by Elisabeth O'Toole, "In on it: What adoptive parents would like you to know about adoption. A guide for relatives and friends."  The questions died down and I thought everyone was on board with our plans to adopt.

Recently we announced to our families that we've been matched with a birth mom.  My husband's mom STILL thought we were announcing a pregnancy - she ran over and hugged me and burst into tears and said the words "I've been praying and praying for this, and I know you've been sick..." when Nate's brother (who already knew we had been matched) interrupted and said "Mom, she's not pregnant."  It made me feel like we still aren't 100% supported in our adoption if people are praying for and expecting a pregnancy that we told them would probably never happen.  I've decided, though, to focus on the positive reactions we've received and look forward to the day when our sweet girl is home.

All in all, you have to remember that adoption is what you've chosen for you.  Although it's nice to have the support of your loved ones, you are the one who will be starting a family and raising a child - not them.  I've often questioned if certain people can't support the most important decision we've ever made, then how supportive have they ever really been?

I wish you love and support in your journey from here on out and hope that you keep us all updated!

NickiChick

Thanks for all your encouraging words and thoughtful comments. I feel better and feel like I have a plan going forward. I feel comfortable with the

 "We'd like to share with you that after 2 years of very invasive and emotionally painful fertility treatments, we have decided to adopt a child." 

plan of attack. Thanks maryoosa! You have a way with words!

The conversation might go down this weekend. I'm ready to see it though. I'm going with Dr.Loretta, plan for the worst and hope for the best! 

L12abell

I sent a text to all our immediate family members at the same time that said something like, "After three years of treatments for infertility we are emotionally and financially drained and have decided to explore adoption.  Thank you for your love and support."  I got some quick messages back and a very emotional call from my dad.  They have been very supportive; I hope your family is as well.