Yeah, it's not all cake and honey. Watching your wife try to be pregnant is really hard.
We tested last night and it was a BFN. She was feeling really good, and so was I. It was not 14 dpo, only 12, so there is still a teeny little chance, but it more than likely is not a wonderful, easy, joyous BFP.
It is not fair that she is having such trouble--she had to have a polyp removed, has meds to correct thyroid, and this is her second IUI round. Just feels so much harder. She is tough and a trooper, but it bites. It only took one IUI for our DS last year, so this feels unfair and unreal, even though we know all the facts, it takes 3-6 months, it never happens the first time, etc., etc., etc. That can all be true, and I can WANT to have it be easier for her than it was for me. I don't want her to suffer a miscarriage, not ever. I had one years ago, and could bear it again, but I want to spare her that pain. I want no hardship, no strife, no struggle, no sadness. I just want her pregnant, happy, and, sure, barefoot is good, too.
I, for example, tested early and often because for me, knowing every bit of information helps me stay level and calm. I can tell the emotional roller coaster of testing is too much for her (like it is for tons of women!) and I should have urged her to just wait until AF came.
To recap: it's out of my hands, it isn't my body, her feelings are not mine and I wish I could bear the pain. I'm not driving this time around, and my main job as super co-captain is to keep the super-star captain fed, loved, and supported as she navigates whatever journey life has in store.
This carrying partner thing is harder than the alternative, for me. Thanks for bending an ear.
37, married to my favorite person in the world, DW! One darling surfer-girl (12) and one darling, sweet boy born 3/16/13.
5/2013 Started TTC #3, DW's turn: 5/2013: Diagnostics (shg) and surgery (polyp rem.) for best chances. July-Oct: IUI # 1-4, medicated, monitored, triggered. All BFN. IVF in Jan May. Sheesh. Whoop! IVF#1 cycle started 4/2/14. 5/1: 19 eggs retrieved, 8 matured, ICSI'd. 4 fertilized. Only 2 to transfer/freeze stage. 5/6: Two embryos transferred. 5/15: Beta #1 9dp5dt is 134! BFP! 5/19: Beta #2 13dp5dt is 672! B'erFP! 5/21: Beta #3 15dp5dt is 1853. Yay!
"Things separate from their stories have no meaning. They are only shapes. Of a certain size and color. A certain weight. When their meaning has become lost to us they no longer have even a name. The story on the other hand can never be lost from its place in the world for it is that place.”
― Cormac McCarthy, The Crossing