How to get Sexy Back

phunkyphish

I don't post too often, but I've come to realize that I need some advise from some BTDT moms. I had a long talk with H last night about some issues we've been having and came to realize that a lot of it comes from the fact that I do not feel sexy at all. I don't feel like the woman I was before I got pregnant, and I'm not sure she is ever coming back, which is fine, but some kind of new normal needs to happen here. I don't want to just be "mom" all the time, I still want to be Me, and a hot sexy wife, and I'm finding it really difficult to reconcile all these roles, plus, I still feel like the opposite of hot and sexy, even 9 mos later. 

So, all that to ask, how did you get your Sexy back? (If you ever lost it?) 

NotSharknado

I'm going to be honest, I don't think I got mine back entirely. I do however, try to do things that make me feel good. Like working out or just getting a haircut.

Helenahhandbasket

DD is 20 months old and I am just starting to feel like a woman (and not just someone's mom) again.

I have really been watching what I am eating (I gained five thousand pounds when I was pregnant) and I try to do some things each week for myself.  I have a weekly manicure appointment, for example.  It's a really small thing but it makes me feel good.

Can you color your hair, buy a few new tops or hang out with some non mommy friends?  Those things always seem to help me.

CurlyQ284

I need to lose some weight but wearing sassy undies helps me. Having a nice outfit that flatters well etc.

secretsout

Honestly, it wasn't until a couple of months ago that I started to come out of it.  My son will be 2 in November.  I wasn't making an effort, though, and just fell into a rut that I couldn't get out of.  I also stopped taking my BC, which was killing my mood and sex drive, I think, and I feel way better. 

I think it's important to do things for yourself, which is something I really put on the backburner for too long.  I've been buying myself a few things, doing my make up every day, getting my hair done, painting my nails, getting clothes that fit well even if they are bigger than I would like.  And I'm working harder to take some time for myself. 

MrsT0514

OP, I hear you loud and clear o n this. My son is almost 9 months old now and I'm just starting to even feel remotely like myself again..and I still have a ways to go. I still have about 20lbs of baby weight to lose, plus I'd like to lose another 20-30 on top of that, so its been a struggle, with most of my pre pregnancy clothes still not fitting right and trying to find the time each day to focus on what I need (like working out/showering/eatong healthy, etc).

TBH, its helped for me to tell myself that my son comes first and the rest will follow. Losing weight is definitely ONE of my priorities, but its certainly not my only priority. I'll get to where i want to be, eventually..but until I admitted to myself that my priorities had shifted (as they should when you have a child!), it was a lot harder on me emotionally. I've since taken some of the pressure off of myself. I still make it a priority to work out and eat healthy (most of the time at least), but I'm really trying to not be so hard on myself.

phunkyphish

I appreciate the responses, and you're right, I do feel the best after a haircut, too bad I can't do it everyday  

I think it helps most of all though to know that I'm not alone. 

phunkyphish

MrsT0514 said:

OP, I hear you loud and clear o n this. My son is almost 9 months old now and I'm just starting to even feel remotely like myself again..and I still have a ways to go. I still have about 20lbs of baby weight to lose, plus I'd like to lose another 20-30 on top of that, so its been a struggle, with most of my pre pregnancy clothes still not fitting right and trying to find the time each day to focus on what I need (like working out/showering/eatong healthy, etc). TBH, its helped for me to tell myself that my son comes first and the rest will follow. Losing weight is definitely ONE of my priorities, but its certainly not my only priority. I'll get to where i want to be, eventually..but until I admitted to myself that my priorities had shifted (as they should when you have a child!), it was a lot harder on me emotionally. I've since taken some of the pressure off of myself. I still make it a priority to work out and eat healthy (most of the time at least), but I'm really trying to not be so hard on myself.

I can see how that would help, the problem is that it's not just me feeling crappy about myself, it's that both of us focus on her, and we need to make our marriage a priority, we're losing that somehow and finding it difficult to balance our relationship with being parents. 

MrsT0514

@phunkyphish While we're on the marriage subject, believe you me. We're in the exact same spot. MH works long hours and I'm a SAHM, so by the time MH gets home and we have dinner, he focuses on DS til he goes to bed. After that, both of us are too exhausted to focus on each other. I completely get where you're at right now. Because I'm there too.

MH and I have been in couples counseling for a few months now to work on communication with each other, bc a lot of times, it just doesn't seem to happen. Its been helping for sure...but its constant work that needs to be put into the marriage. Its tough. But eventually, we'll get there. Juggling marriage, baby, work and general life altogether...shit. No one told me it'd be this difficult!

Hang in there mama. You're not alone!

Eta..sorry, I didn't intend to get into "pain olympics" or anything with ya...I can just definitely relate to what you're going thru!

lildevil968

Do you guys ever have date nights? DH and I have one about 1-2 times a month, and those always make me feel better about myself. Plus, when it is just the 2 of us, we seem to connect again.

phunkyphish

lildevil968 said:

Do you guys ever have date nights? DH and I have one about 1-2 times a month, and those always make me feel better about myself. Plus, when it is just the 2 of us, we seem to connect again.

We try, but I think we need to try harder. Part of our problem is that we work such different schedules that when we are together, we try to spend family time together. We did talk about making this more of a priority though.  

phunkyphish

MrsT0514 said:

@phunkyphish While we're on the marriage subject, believe you me. We're in the exact same spot. MH works long hours and I'm a SAHM, so by the time MH gets home and we have dinner, he focuses on DS til he goes to bed. After that, both of us are too exhausted to focus on each other. I completely get where you're at right now. Because I'm there too. MH and I have been in couples counseling for a few months now to work on communication with each other, bc a lot of times, it just doesn't seem to happen. Its been helping for sure...but its constant work that needs to be put into the marriage. Its tough. But eventually, we'll get there. Juggling marriage, baby, work and general life altogether...shit. No one told me it'd be this difficult! Hang in there mama. You're not alone! Eta..sorry, I didn't intend to get into "pain olympics" or anything with ya...I can just definitely relate to what you're going thru!

It's totally fine! I'm actually really glad to hear that other people are experiencing the same kinds of things. It gives me hope to know that this faltering is semi normal and that we can get through it too. 

LaurelBee

Dd is 8mos (Ds is 3) and I'm in the same boat. Most days I make zero effort on my appearance and it's so hard to feel sexy when you know you look frumpy! Plus BFing zaps any sex drive I had, so intimacy is definitely lacking in my marriage. Date night and girls night out help, but like hair cuts and pedis, it's a temporary distraction. All I can say is that it's temporary. I felt this way when Ds was kitty bitty too and when he started sleeping better, being more independent, and not so needy, I started to be able to take care of myself more. GL

LaurelBee

Kitty? I mean itty bitty

MelissaRae1525

It sounds like you're aware of the issues which will help a lot. SO and I are very lucky that both of are families live very close so we've been dropping LO off for an hour or two so we can grab lunch since he was a couple of months old.

My LO is 8 months and I've just started working out regularly. If you can swing that I would definitely try. I go 3 times a week and I've only been going for three weeks and I feel so much better already. I don't look pre baby or even close to it yet but I've been initiating sexy time a lot more. And I'm less self conscious too, so I don't mind being seen naked.

phunkyphish

I'd like to start getting back into working out after her birthday. I'm still nursing and I already have issues keeping up with her (pumping at work) so I'm afraid to start going too much right now. We do try to take walks after work though, when we can, and I noticed that does help too. 

Spapeggy

phunkyphish said:

MrsT0514 said:

OP, I hear you loud and clear o n this. My son is almost 9 months old now and I'm just starting to even feel remotely like myself again..and I still have a ways to go. I still have about 20lbs of baby weight to lose, plus I'd like to lose another 20-30 on top of that, so its been a struggle, with most of my pre pregnancy clothes still not fitting right and trying to find the time each day to focus on what I need (like working out/showering/eatong healthy, etc).

TBH, its helped for me to tell myself that my son comes first and the rest will follow. Losing weight is definitely ONE of my priorities, but its certainly not my only priority. I'll get to where i want to be, eventually..but until I admitted to myself that my priorities had shifted (as they should when you have a child!), it was a lot harder on me emotionally. I've since taken some of the pressure off of myself. I still make it a priority to work out and eat healthy (most of the time at least), but I'm really trying to not be so hard on myself.

I can see how that would help, the problem is that it's not just me feeling crappy about myself, it's that both of us focus on her, and we need to make our marriage a priority, we're losing that somehow and finding it difficult to balance our relationship with being parents. 

Marriage is a big priority and good that you two can talk about it. I hope you can figure something out. It helps me just to get out of frumpy clothes, dot makeup and hair. Hubby is very honest about things. He told me he'd like me to wear Purfume like I used too, scented lotions and such. I believe marriage is to be held high so make time for you and to do what you need and it'll pay off all around