Intro and some advice on "coming out"

Themetastic

Hi everyone!

My name is Jen and I am from the Chicago area.  I just got my BFP on Thursday!  I have a 2 year boy already and we are very excited to be expecting another little one  I don't see my midwife until October 18th, so it has not totally sunk in yet.  It is very different this time around.. I can't quite describe it but it's just not as.. all consuming?.. as my first pregnancy.  I guess since I am so busy running after my little guy and working.  Little background about me is that I was induced due to pre-e with my first and ended up with an emergency c-section.. going the midwife route this time hoping for a VBAC water birth! 

Now to totally switch gears, I need your advice on a sensitive subject.  A very close friend of mine recently suffered from a miscarriage.  She went through fertility treatments and, to her surprise, got pregnant on the first try.  The loss has been very hard on her.  She lives in another state and we are going up to visit next week.  How on earth am I going to break it to her that I am pregnant?  I know she will be happy for me.. but she is still so sad, I just don't know how I could possibly tell her this.  I'd like to tell her online so she has some time to process rather than springing it on her in person.. and time is ticking, we leave next Wednesday.  Any advice is much appreciated.

Thanks for getting through that and I look forward to meeting all you lovely ladies!  Congrats and H&H 9 months to you all

Lele74

I have a friend who miscarried not long ago. I told her in person while we were having a fun/laughing conversation. She was in a happier place so it seemed like a better time to talk about my pregnancy than after talking about her own loss.
My friend was so happy. I'm sure she thinks about her loss but she's my friend so I feel like she's a great support. And if anything were to go wrong with my pregnancy, she will be the best person to understand the situation.
I wouldn't tell your friend online. If you feel like you must tell her before you see her, tell her on the phone. Breaking the news online won't give you a chance to talk with her if she does have a hard time with it. Issues don't usually get resolved online. But if you wait to when you see her, hugs are very effective when given in person

Good luck with the vbac! With the right support, women have good experiences with them!

MCH77

I'm going through a similar situation right now. I'm literally in the waiting room to get my first u/s right now. Assuming that goes well, I plan on emailing my friend tonight (since I will see her on Sunday).

After having a m/c at 12 weeks it was hard for me to hear about friends pg. I was THRILLED for them, but so sad for myself. I want to give her the respect to react however she needs in her own home. I do not want to blindside her in Sunday, she means too much to me.

Themetastic

Thanks, ladies.  GL MCH!!

She has told me that BFPs, early pregnancy announcements, etc.. do not bother her it is seeing women who are more pregnant than she ever was.  It is very fresh too.. she just lost the baby 3 weeks ago (at 10 weeks) and is going to her OB today to get the results of her D&C.

I feel the same way about not blindsiding her. I have asked a mutual friend for some advice and she advised me to do it over chat, online, to allow her time to process.  I am hoping today goes well for her and I can tell her by Monday at the latest.  I don't want to upset her either.. and it is also in my mind that she will be upset for me thinking that I couldn't share this with her. I want to handle this as delicately as possible. 

jschwind22

As an IFer who had a loss from a treatment cycle, I'd say email depending on how close you are. If my BFF (we talk on the phone daily) sent me an email, I'd probably be offended. But if it was another friend an email would give me the opportunity to get out my sadness for myself in private so that my excitement could be ready for the get together. Kudos to you for being sensitive to your friends struggles. You have no idea how rare that is! Congrats on your pregnancy.

flutepharm87

Congrats on your pregnancy! As for your dilemma with your friend, I think telling her ahead of time might be a good idea. That way, she has some time to process it before you get there. She can grieve her loss in private without feeling she needs to be super happy right in front of you in the moment. However, if she's a close friend, I feel like it warrants a phone call. She might be offended with an email, text, or IM. Just my two cents, though!

Themetastic

We don't talk on the phone much.  I actually am friends with her from a forum I have belonged to for many years.  We have been friends for 4 years, skyping, talking daily online, sending each other christmas and birthday presents, etc..  so this will actually be the first time I meet her in person.  Since our most common mode of communication is IM, I figure to do it that way.

mileswithmyles

As someone who has experienced a loss, it is hard to hear about other people's BFPs while you are grieving, even if it is one of your best friends.

Just be sensitive when you tell her and leave it at the announcement.  The only time I almost had a meltdown when someone announced was when the proceeded to talk about every symptom and wave their ultrasound pictures around for the next hour.

I think  your idea of telling her beforehand is better.  It will give her time to process in private.  You are a good friend!

Pixie5295

jschwind22 said:

As an IFer who had a loss from a treatment cycle, I'd say email depending on how close you are. If my BFF (we talk on the phone daily) sent me an email, I'd probably be offended. But if it was another friend an email would give me the opportunity to get out my sadness for myself in private so that my excitement could be ready for the get together. Kudos to you for being sensitive to your friends struggles. You have no idea how rare that is! Congrats on your pregnancy.

I agree with this

Themetastic

Thanks, ladies. I am trying to figure out the best day and way to tell her.  She goes to her Ob today for D&C results today... I am crossing my fingers it goes well for her.