Feeling Anger

TwinkleTor

..::Just Ranting and Venting::..

Today I had my postpartum appointment and the whole way to the doctors appointment I cried because I was so angry. My doctor's office is in the hospital where I delivered Domenik. I didn't want to go there, I didn't want to see the doctors (that never listened to my concerns, or answered my questions). I just didn't want to step foot in the same place that I was feeling caused me to lose my baby. I told myself up until this point "don't point fingers, don't blame anyone, no one caused this, it just happened, Umbilical cord complications just happen". I am going to find a new doctor, so I can prepare for my rainbow. I will not return to my previous doctor, or deliver in the same hospital! I have too many memories there, and too much sadness.

OSUWifey09

***SIGGY WARNING/pregnancy mentioned***

That's understandable. I know it's really hard to return to your original OB or the hospital where your angel was delivered. I chose to stay with my OB, but I know several loss moms who changed. I didn't deliver at my home hospital [I was visiting my parents in my hometown when I lost Devon and delivered in a hospital in that city], but if I had, I would NOT be going back to deliver this baby. No way. The memories would be too strong for me. 

I hope that you have some luck finding someone new and that you can continue to heal as you prepare for your rainbow. Days like today [like the really sucky postpartum appointment] are so hard. *hugs*

princezjk

I am so sorry you had to go through that today.  I remember my postpartum appointment being really difficult.  I haven't decided whether or not to stay with my OB, but DH thinks we should switch.  Sending you lots of T&P and hoping you find a doctor you are comfortable with.  

cdale86

***Siggy Warning***

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that today.  Lots of T&Ps sent your way!

shandorfml2

So hard. My pp appointment was hard too. Unfortunately we only have 1 hospital that delivers babies in my area, but I had great nurses. ((hugs)))

fluttergirlmoonchild79

***SIGGY WARNING***

 

My PP appointment was one of the hardest things to do.  Mine was scheduled for the day before Corbin's funeral.  They called and asked if I wanted to move it but I really wanted to go for a run and wanted the medical clearance.  "Thankfully" (if that's even the right word), Corbin wasn't pronounced an angel at the same place he was born.  The day of my appointment, the office told me someone would meet me down in the lobby so that I could go through a back entrance - yeah, they never showed.  I waited in the hallway while DH checked me in.  they took me through the back way and then I lost it while waiting in the little room.  Someone opened the door to check my BP and when they saw I was crying, left and I just sat there, and sat there and sat there.  I eventually went out and screamed at someone wanting to know what was taking so long and that every minute I was here was pure torture.

 

I could never leave my OB because he's been amazing since everything happened.  You have to do what's right for you though.  I could completely understand in your situation wanting to switch though.

Doublegreen

I'm battling back and forth on whether or not we should use the same doctor. There is a sense that he was also hurt by my loss and would do whatever he could for this not to happen again. He even said that he will induce me before the 40th week with my next pregnancy.

hopefulmom88

****Ticker Warning*****

I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time. I completely understand how you are feeling, while I didn't feel a lot of anger towards my doctor, we still decided to switch doctors.  There were several reasons for us switching the main reason being wanting to try for a VBAC and the other is that the only hospital in town does not have a NICU.  We are going with a midwives group and delivering in a hospital that is 2.5 hours away and has a NICU and was also voted the best place to have a baby in the DFW area.  It seems completely normal and acceptable to want to have a different doctor and hospital this time around.  Hope you are able to find one that you feel more comfortable with.

angelsnight

ticker warning

 

Big hugs.  The first PP appointment is so hard.  My doctor's office is located in the hospital I delivered at too, and it was very hard to go back there.  As soon as I started walking back to the room, I heard a baby's HB thumping away in another room and I lost it.  Don't beat yourself up for feeling anger toward your doctors.  There is so much anger to be had surrounding this, and in many cases we have no one to be angry at, so it just lands on someone.  If finding a new doctor for your rainbow makes you comfortable, then by all means do it.  I loved my doctors and feel comfortable staying there, but mine told me at my PP appt that she would love to see me back someday with another pregnancy, but she completely understands if it's too hard for me to go back there.  Big hugs!

TwinkleTor

I think what angers me most is that at my 24th weeks appointment I mentioned to my doctor that Domenik's heartbeat sounded slow. The doctor told me not to worry. At my 27th week appointment is when they said there was no fetal HB. When Domenik was delivered the doctor told me he passed at 24 weeks. I just feel like if the doctor would have considered my concerns Domenik could have been here at this point, rather than being my Angel Baby. I felt throughout my whole pregnancy the doctor would just dismiss my questions or concerns, and I felt I wasn't getting the service I was supposed to be receiving. Even at my PP appointment I asked about my blood work, and Domenik's genetic test and the doctor just told me "we will call you" then walks out of the room. I never had a chance to ask any questions like "how soon can we TTCAL?" or "how long does the breast milk take to dry up?" Instead of getting answers from my doctor I've had to get answers from family/ friends and Google! SO FRUSTRATING! The doctor was always in a rush instead of taking his time with every patient, and be caring.

 

Just to think of it... the doctor never even said "I'm sorry for your loss, how are you feeling?"

neptunebljc

That really sucks.  I had my PP last week. I was ready to move, but luckily had a much better response from my OB.

@TwinkleTor  Is it possible for you to go to your family doctor and see if he has any suggestions? Do you have an local websites to review OBs in your area?  I'm in Canada, so I'm not sure if those options are available in your location.

hopefulmom88 - How did you decide to deliver in the other hospital? Was that the decision you made with the Midwife?  I also only have one hospital that delivers babies and there is also no NICU. DH mentioned today he would drive the 2 hours to the next largest hospital next time if he needed too.

ajsweeton

*****SIGGY WARNING*****

I understand what you're going through completely.  I blame one of the doctors in my regular practice for my loss.  He was so smug like he knew what was happening in my body better than I did and didn't even bother to check me even though I had every symptom of preterm labor and he knew I was scared to death that it would happen.  I saw him when I went in for my 21 week appointment and he was the dr on call when I went into the hospital leaking af.  He waited forever before coming to the hospital because he didn't believe I was actually leaking and then when he did get to the hospital and did the visual exam he saw Elliott's sac hanging down through my cervix.  He did a physical exam anyway and then I started having contractions.  I hadn't had a single contraction until he did that exam.  Anyway, I was transferred to our University hospital which has a terrific NICU in the hopes that they would be able to save my babies if they were born.  I'm choosing to go to the MFM I met with there for this pregnancy.  He was wonderful and I felt like he truly knew what he was doing.  He specializes in preterm labor especially in twin pregnancy.  I plan on delivering at the same hospital because the care I received there was amazing.  I can't even imagine going through what I did without the wonderful nurses and staff.  They did everything they could to preserve our memories too by taking impressions of Elliott and Ryland's hands and  feet and taking numerous pictures.  They were just so great and I want that for my next delivery as well.

AJCagle82

I had mine last Thursday. It was harder than I thought it would be. The nurse asked me how I was doing and I just started crying. I actually expected to cry, but I didn't think it would hit that soon. I think you and I are on very similar timelines. I've seen you post several times on here, and we continue to go through things at the same time (I think we picked up our babies' ashes on the same day too). It was so hard being there for an appointment that should have been a check up for Parker Jane. I hate that your experience was topped off with not being comfortable with your doctor or hospital. Hopefully you will find a new doctor who you are completely comfortable with and who answers any questions or concerns you have. 

As for the anger, I completely understand where you are coming from. I don't even know who I'm angry with. I think mine is just a general anger, and if it happens to land on a particular person/thing that day, then so be it. I'm just pissed! Parker should be with me. I get so mad I want to hit something or throw something. To somewhat channel that, I've started boxing (not with another person, just gloves and mitts). It is surprisingly helpful to beat the crap out of something when you get to that rage point. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I hope you find a way to let out the anger. Unfortunately, it isn't going anywhere so we have to figure out what to do with it. Good luck to you and if you need to vent, I'm here! 

TwinkleTor

AJCagle82 said:

I had mine last Thursday. It was harder than I thought it would be. The nurse asked me how I was doing and I just started crying. I actually expected to cry, but I didn't think it would hit that soon. I think you and I are on very similar timelines. I've seen you post several times on here, and we continue to go through things at the same time (I think we picked up our babies' ashes on the same day too). It was so hard being there for an appointment that should have been a check up for Parker Jane. I hate that your experience was topped off with not being comfortable with your doctor or hospital. Hopefully you will find a new doctor who you are completely comfortable with and who answers any questions or concerns you have. 

As for the anger, I completely understand where you are coming from. I don't even know who I'm angry with. I think mine is just a general anger, and if it happens to land on a particular person/thing that day, then so be it. I'm just pissed! Parker should be with me. I get so mad I want to hit something or throw something. To somewhat channel that, I've started boxing (not with another person, just gloves and mitts). It is surprisingly helpful to beat the crap out of something when you get to that rage point. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I hope you find a way to let out the anger. Unfortunately, it isn't going anywhere so we have to figure out what to do with it. Good luck to you and if you need to vent, I'm here! 

I told my fiancé that I want a punching bag! I've been trying to go for walks with my dog, but just seems that while I'm walking I'm thinking more. I got back to work on Monday, so hopefully that will distract my mind. BUT... I work near the hospital and I work in a daycare, so it may just make me think even more. Who knows! I did pick up my sons ashes on the same day as you! And for some reason I have felt a closeness with you because of our similar timelines. I know my anger is going to stick around... It will just be finding a way to deal with all the emotions that come with mourning. Thanks for being here... I'm here for you too!