Newest Member of Baby Fever

rockzann

Hello! Well I guess i can start with introduction of myself, I'm Roxanne, 22, Living in Missouri but was born and raised in Upstate New York. My Husband and I will be celebrating our first anniversary on November 17th, and I could not have picked a more wonderful and Godly husband ( Paul and I are very active believers). Paul is 28, he worked as a teacher's aid for children with disabilities for almost 10 years (so, he has a big heart), and is looking forward to being a dad. it was actually one of his dreams to settle down and have a family with the love of his life. And I am excited of the fact of being a mother as well. We have talked about and agreed that after about 2 years of marriage, we will settle down and start having a family.

however, to be honest, i have fears....

I was abused all of my childhood. My father was very physically abusive, as my mother was very emotionally abusive, and i do have the cliche fears of if i am going to be a good mom. I know i have a tenderness, a mother like quality, and people quickly abide in me for support... however there are days where I would have depression, or have horrible night terrors.... I'm just.... concerned is all.... i guess.....

I basically came on here to study up on Pregnancy, child care, and basically take in any advice i can.... I hate to sound so depressing, but basically this website is a replacement for "motherly advice"....

Disneygeek77

Have you ever gone to counseling for your childhood ?  I have gone before and think it was one of the healthiest decisions I ever made ?

DeannaCW

I definitely agree with counselling. I'm the grandchild of an abuser, and while my dad never got counselling (at least not to my knowledge) and did well with what he was given, spillover from his past did affect our relationship. He did well and we have a good relationship now, but I think therapy would made the rocky years less rocky. Since you're dealing with depression and night terrors, I cannot recommend it enough. A friend of mine was badly abused by her mother, and in the last 18 months has been going to therapy and has improved so much she's almost not the same person anymore. It's incredible. 

rockzann

Currently, I have been taking a medication for the night terrors (it's basically an anti-anxiety medication) which has helped wonderfully.

Well, Paul has said that the worst thing that I sometimes do is basically shut down. Hard to function, cry, and sometimes even hard to respond. Usually a hug makes everything better, and I'm back to being relaxed and at peace. I have noticed that since i have moved away from everything that reminded me of the past, I have been a lot more relaxed and at peace...

.... Though the down side is, well, when you have baby fever, you naturally want to turn to someone for advice.... and i think that's what's bothering me the most at the moment.

I have been to counseling and for some reason my depression got so much worse.... It's like, all i want to do is tell what happened and have someone listen. I don't need someone to yell at me, and tell me what to do with my life. I had one counselor actually throw her book at me out of pure frustration because i didn't want to attend a college program 5 hours away from where i currently live. I'm sorry that I have a husband and missionary work? Just being open helps me a lot since i had to bottle up everything for so long.... does that make sense...?

Disneygeek77

Yes it helps. 

Do you have a home church ?  Maybe get connected there with a few moms of varying ages and build relationships there.

 

Can I ask where in Missouri you are.  Not specifics, just general area.

I would also be open to trying another counselor.  It sounds like you had a bad one in the past. 

rockzann

Yes I do, it is known as the "Word of Truth Fellowship" which is hosted in a 1800's house. We do a lot of over seas work (not really my thing), broadcast live via internet (livestream) and there is even Youtube videos of us.... the downside is that these mothers at the fellowship, though i love them dearly, are very opinionated (which isn't that uncommon with some mothers). So i feel very pressured and down right "stupid" when i have open conversation about my birth plan and my opinion on things.....

Oh? Currently south of Joplin Missouri, going to move to Pittsburgh Kansas soon (We might be getting a house! )

I don't know.... i feel just so uncomfortable..... i've had 3 so far....

Disneygeek77

Maybe look into a MOPS group when you do have a baby.  That will also be a way to meet other moms and build that support. 

norweigan

I'm new too! What part of Missouri are you from? I'm over in Kansas City

norweigan

And I guess I could have read down to see where you were from........

rockzann

The best comfort that I have ever received is those who were willing to listen. Counseling was the only thing that made me a bit suicidal.... and honestly that scared me.

I love the honesty and the humbleness (no pressure) from friends and even strangers, which you don't really get from specialists.

Right now, I'm just scared of being a lousy parent....