Fucking moron.

+just+j+

Yes, I'm talking about my XH.

Because he's been ridiculously inconsistent about drop off and pick up, I called to ask him what time he was dropping DD off tonite.  It really is any guess what time he'll be here.  I have no clue what to expect.  He's had her 3 full days so I kind of figured he'd be tired of her and it could be any time now.

So I call.

me:  "What time are you dropping of DD?"

XH:  "I don't know, why?"  (with a tinge of pissyness on the "why')

me:  "Because you haven't been consistent with drop off and I would really like to set a consistent schedule for EOW"

XH:  "I told you the other night."

me:  "oookay, well what time then?"

XH:  he goes off on a lecture about how I called the other night and how he told me, and that I don't listen

me cutting in:  "Then why did you just say 'I don't know why' in this very phone conversation.  If you told me a time, then why didn't you just remind me of the time??? Don't you think that's a bit contradictory? " 

XH:  "6.  I said 6!

me:  (pretending a happy voice)  Great.  6 then.  Thank you. You don't have to feed her, I'm making one of her favorite dinners tonite and I'll have it ready for her when she gets home.

XH then goes into how he doesn't like how I start fights with him when he's with his daughter, how he's not contradictory or a liar. He says it's really getting old me picking fights with him.  I tell him then start being consistent, quit lying and being deceitful.  Of course he tells me he has no clue what I'm talking about.  I don't tell him but I said "I've tested you and given you several opportunities to tell me, and you've lied and you've constructed a false scenario to make me believe otherwise.  The ridiculous thing is, I really don't care, but you feel the need to lie. And that's what bothers me most. That you lie and are deceitful.  But that's fine.  I'm finding it amusing, so I'm just going to see how long it takes you to tell me. " 

He goes on about how he has no clue what I'm talking about and I laugh at him and tell him how this is yet again, why we are divorced and I know longer have respect for him and I can't be "friends" with him like he wants.  He hangs up on me.

I really don't like to get into arguments with him, and I try to do it when DD is not around, but JFC, why do you have to be so fucking difficult?!?  And stupid. 

Narcissistic bastard.

Good luck R. I give you a year before you truly grasp what a fucking moron your boyfriend is.

 

+just+j+

OMG. It gets better.  He just texted me and told me that he's a good daddy and if I mess up his relationship with DD, he'll never forgive me.  WTF?  And then he says I cheated on him, how he knows what went on when we were married and before we were married that I don't tell, and "So who's the liar." 

Again. WTF??

Now I know this is just mind-fucking that he's doing, but I am blown away by his delusion.  This is narcissism at it's best.  And I'm pretty sure it's a front for his girlfriend.  But whatever. 

This is how messed up this is.  When I had to work late on Wednesdays to meet with a church committee to furnish their new facility,  he accused me of cheating.  When I told him that I have proof and that any time he could drive by the store with all the big windows and see me working and meeting with 6 other people picking out furniture and fabrics, did he take me up on it?  Nope. 

I did absolutely nothing the 5 1/2 years and lost touch with my friends, and had limited interaction with my family during our marriage because I was A.  Embarrassed as fuck to bring his family and their issues around mine, and B.  It was just easier not to deal with his insecurity and the questions that followed. While he never kept me away from them, it was just easier not to have friends anymore.   And I became a bitch to his guy friends because I didn't want to be friendly at all with any of them for fear of being accused of cheating on him with them - which is what he did early in our relationship. He still to this day thinks I slept with a friend of his.  Who I would not touch with a ten foot pole. It's ABSURD.

And then there is the simple fact that I am a brutally honest person with pretty big morals and standards on how to conduct my life.  Cheating is not in my  make up. Even if I'm unhappy.  I don't have any desire to complicate my life in that way.  And I've been terribly hurt by people in the past who did this.  EVERYONE else in my life can see this. He can't.  He's projecting his ways on me.   Classic narcissism.

Ugh. I know I am letting his words get to me more than it should but better here than back at him and continue the stupidity.  I want to cry.  I have never been this slandered before in my life.  And then I think, who cares. Who fucking cares what his craptastic friends and the women in his life think.  They'll figure him out too.

And so will DD.  And all I can do is raise her to be honest and respectable and not only just be a good example, but surround her with my good friends and family who ARE decent, wonderful role models.   That's all I can do.

Thank you for letting me vent here.  I need to get this out.

dannie2011

So sorry you have to deal with this. My ex used to accuse me of cheating, he was the cheater but couldn't take the blame.

twister22

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this moron, J. Just know that you and DD are SO much better off, and that you're an AMAZING mom and DD will turn out great because of you. Hugs  >:D<

Amanda88

He's projecting, and trying to lie to himself and whoever he is sharing your conversation with. He can't accept responsibility for his moronic assholery. Eventually he will be seen for what he is, and he will burn bridges with the new people in his life. Keep doing what you are doing. Vent when you need to and move on. You are strong, and will constantly overcome his bullshit. It will get easier as time passes.

Ilumine

First, and I say this with all my love and control of the inner bitch, please disengage with him.  You know that he did not give you a D/O time at that last conversation. I know he did not give you a D/O time at that last conversation.  Hell, I would half suspect that did didnt give you a D/O time on purpose, TO push your buttons.  

So while the inconsitency is annoying as all hell, instead of getting pissed, USE IT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE.  Start recording his visitations and his lack of stability for the next 6 months.  Email/text him a week before to get a time-line, then record his actual times.  Send him one quick email/text if he is late. And finally take a picture with a date/time stamp to show when he actually arrived.

Then after the 6 months, use the information to rewrite the court order to specify exact times.  

As for his other crap, it is all projection and ego.  HE was the one who ruined his relaitionship with his daughter.  And he NEEDS an excuse for your leaving OTHER THAN his own actions, so he will go to his grave saying you cheated. 

Because in the end, his crap relationships couldn't be because of HIM? KWIM?

Basically honey, you KNOW what he is like, so instead of falling into a trap, use it to your advantage.  

+just+j+

That's what I'm doing Illumine. And my engaging him is purposeful.  For the most part. It's to give him an opportunity to tell me, and he's repeatedly lied. I've made note every time. I just didn't expect the cheating thing. That came out of nowhere. I do agree - it's him saving face and painting a picture for his friends and girlfriend. 

I am making notes and documenting all I can so that I do have a case in court.  I may have even found a good lawyer.  9 out of 10 ranking and what I'm told, very tenacious.  I just don't know how much he's going to cost me so that might be an issue. We'll see.

 

Wahoo

You really have to disengage.  I know that you keep communicating with him because it is not healthy for your DD to have parents who "aren't speaking to each other," but when your conversations are filled with lies and accusations, that is not a healthy dynamic.  Your dd doesn't realize it now, but sooner or later she will guess who you / exh is talking to.

Once exH told you what time he was picking her up, instead of listening to his tirade, you should have just hung up ("thanks for giving me the time, I really need to get going now...."  click.).  Listening to him talk is NOT IN ANY WAY helpful to DD, especially when he is putting you down and making false accusations about you. 

I tend to agree with Illumine....he didn't give you a drop off time because he knew you would call.  And when you call, he has the upper hand.  This man is b.s.c, but "crazy like a fox,"  He was married to you for years and knows which buttons to push.  

KTdidit

Oh I know how hard it is not to enagge and go off on XH, mine is pretty classicaly narcissistic also. But I try to remember how he is every time I have to deal with him, and make it so I have to deal with him as little as possible (ie: getting times and important info all out of the way in one conversation) I know that what he is spewing is BS, he knows it, anyone who matters knows it, and DS will find out all too soon. And it is the same with your XH. Its hard, but the only way to save your sanity sometimes.

CurlyQ284

In future, text and ask what time. If he asks "why" just say you need to know when to expect DD back. That eliminated alllllllllllll that unnecessary stuff.

Don't call him, he's going to be douchy and it'll be hard to ignore at that point.

SimpleJane

He's an ass. Next time just send him a text. "What time will you be dropping DD off?" He just wants to fight with you on the phone, and his GF was probably sitting there so he wants to make it seem as though you are the one being super difficult. Its a game, don't play it with him. 

JessH1474

What a jerk!  I agree, I would not speak with him by phone at all if that's possible, I'd resort to only text messages or emails.  Some people just need constant drama in their lives to survive, I don't get it.