Late Term and Child Loss

Caught off Guard ***Ticker Warning and Child Mentioned***

***Ticker and Subject Warning***

I went to a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) meeting the other day for the first time.  They had name tags for you to write your name and put stickers on it correlating to the number of children you have.  I was COMPLETELY caught off guard.  I was at a table full of strangers and I was already frazzled from being late.  I felt like I sat there dumbfounded for a good 60 sec.  I think I wasn't ready to get upset/talk about heavy stuff so early in the morning with strangers.  I only put one sticker on there and I have been thinking about it/regretting it ever since.  I have TWO children, TWINS.  Bennett deserves a sticker and I've just been feeling awful about it since.  I think it was the first time I'd been faced by the "how many kids do you have" question.  I just needed to share and hopefully stop feeling so bad about it.  He knows how much I love him.
2 year TTC journey with successful IVF in Nov 2012- B/G Twins!
Baby Boy diagnosed with omphalocele and diaphragmatic hernia
Born at 32 weeks due to PROM.  Emergency c-section due to prolapsed cord.
Said Goodbye to our sweet Bennett after 5 short hours.  
Spent 35 days in the NICU with our little girl.

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Re: Caught off Guard ***Ticker Warning and Child Mentioned***

  • ***SIGGY***

    That happened to me the other day. Someone at my son's new school asked how many children I have - after pausing, I said one. But that's not true...I have two children.

    That question always catches me off guard, and I always feel guilty about it when I say I only have one. But almost every time I talk about Devon to someone new, I cry and get that "you poor soul" look that I hate. Our babies know we love them more than anything and truly consider them a part of our family, though. I just know it. **hugs**


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  • Ticker warning (pregnancy mentioned)

    I'm so sorry you feel badly about it, but like you said, your baby knows you love him.  I think in that situation we would have all been caught off guard.

    I have a ton of appts with this pregnancy, and surprisingly not all medical professionals ask questions with the thought in mind of how common pregnancy loss is.  So I am asked all the time if this is my first.  So when I stumbled around before saying um well, it's my third pregnancy, a nurse the other day caught on to the fact that our first two were losses so she said but hopefully your first or something like that.

    Well, my first loss was very very early, but my second loss, I gave birth to her, we held her and she had a funeral.  SHE is our first. 

    Big hugs to you!
    Lilypie - (fm2j)

    Lilypie - (YesX)

     My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks.  Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!


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  • I also lost a twin and I am almost two years out. I still struggle with this. I've learned to pick And choose who I tell and if I don't mention my twin daughter who passed, I usually go over it in my head afterward and think about how I could have worked it in. I sometimes just want to scream that I have twins!! I have a key chain with a picture of them together and when people see it and ask if I have twins, I say yes. Huge, huge hugs.
    TTC #1 since 4/09
    2/21/11: IVF #1 Begins and results in TWINS!
    11/4/11: The twins are born at 36w4d!
    11/5/11: We said goodbye to our sweet baby girl as she was born with multiple complications and a severe heart defect, Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.
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  • I HATE the "how many kids do you have" question. I've become very skilled at weaseling out of it or changing the subject. But the bottom line for me is, if I exclude my son I feel horribly guilty. I internalize it, go over and over it in my head, and in the end it's just not worth the torture so now I say 3 all the time. I leave it at that and then only give more info if they press further.

    That said, some days I am weak. Or just plain sick of feeling awkward. And in those moments, I don't include him. I still feel guilty but I do it to protect him- not to spare the other person any awkwardness, if that makes any sense. I love him to pieces and I want to protect him from anyone who can't possibly understand. I protect him from their sad looks, their pity, their downplaying his importance, etc.
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  • I haven't been asked this question yet. And I'm not sure what I would say. Would I say "I have one but he is not here." That statement would make me cry. I'm only a month in to my loss of Domenik, maybe it won't be so hard in later months.
  • I struggled with this for a bit, but my husband and I decided that we were never going to deny Eleanor.  Since we made the decision, it's become a lot easier (but can still be awkward).  If someone asks me how many kids I have, I say 2.  Usually that's the end of it.  It only goes more in depth if they keep asking more questions, like "How old are they?" Then I tell them my son is 2 and my daughter would be 9 months, but she passed away.  Sometimes it may make them feel uncomfortable, but they were the ones to ask the question.  I look at it as a way to spread Ellie's memory to more people, so more people know about her.  
    Lilypie - Personal picture Lilypie - Personal picture Lilypie - Personal picture 
     DS1 - 7/2011, DD 12/2012, DS2 - 4/2014, MMC - 12/2015
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  • I hate these moments/conversation.

    After not acknowledging my triplets a few times and feeling so guilty, I finally allowed myself to talk through answer (at home) and really narrow in on what I wanted to say.  I feel like I finally am prepared to answer these question.  That being said, I haven't had to do it yet...

    I've talked with my therapist a lot about this and one thing she reminded me of a lot was that it's great that I have "planned" answers, but it's also OK if I decide to not use them.  That some people aren't worth knowing the intimate details of those babies - they don't get to know me on that level...

    I'm sorry it caught you off guard - I wish so much of this was easier...
    ~ Leah, Rachel and Gabriel were born on May 27, 2013 (23 weeks) ~ Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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