Not "attached" to this pregnancy ..

cnk459

Hi Ladies, 

I know this title will probably make most of you jump back in disgust.. but please be patient with me...

This is my 10th pregnancy. I have 4 live births. I've had losses at 9, 10, 12, 14, & 16 weeks. All after seeing a strong heartbeat and no direct complications (other than a history of loss).

I'm just a bit sad tonight, because I realized how much I am *not* attached to this pregnancy yet. I keep talking "positive" to myself, and I've honestly let go of worry and trying to micromanage everything. It's really going to be whatever it's going to be. I do the right things, take all the meds, have all the appts.. but.. still

I don't think I'll be able to feel like I'll really have a baby until I"m at least 24 weeks (age of viability). 

I'm not buying a pregnancy journal yet

I'm not buying maternity clothes

I'm not telling ANYONE other than DH. I just can't do the "telling people I had another m/c" thing again. I.just.cant.

I'm not looking at nurseries or baby clothes, or strollers or anything.

I'm not even cancelling our late spring cruise yet.. even though I wouldn't be able to take it *if I stay pregnant that long* 

I am totally living in the "I am still pregnant today" mode. But I completely realize I may not be pregnant tomorrow.

And for some reason, tonight, it's just making me so sad. I am so envious of all the women who get to celebrate and document every moment of their pregnancies. I won't document it, becuase I don't want to have to throw away/destroy/end those journal entries once.again. 

And I feel so selfish for even trying to have another baby. I mean, it's like the universe is throwing up a big, blinking sign that reads:

"YOU SUCK AT BEING PREGNANT.. STOP TRYING"

ugh.

This is just a big old whining, venting, sorry for myself post... 

but I'm grateful there is a place (even in "internet land") for rme to post it...my DH may leave me if I vent to him about the SAME thing any more. His patience does have bounds.

Thanks for letting me vent.. and if there is anyone else who is PgAL.. I wonder if you feel the same sometimes, or if i'm just in a really extreme place right now?

ABColeslaw

Oh Mama   It is very hard being pregnant when you are so deeply familiar with loss   A sentiment a lot of loss Mamas can understand.  I have a history of early and late term loss as well as infertility.  I have to really fight to get pregnant, but I'm still not excited.  It is a whole different ball game being pregnant with you know just how wrong things can go.  I'm so sorry for your losses. 

I had a profound moment when I woke up from a pregnancy nightmare and realized that I am petrified to get pregnant with a girl (Our late term loss)  I think if I found out I was carrying a girl, I would find is near impossible to be excited until past viability. 

These feelings don't speak to who we are as Mamas, it is a protection.  You have other littles at home that need you to be strong.  It all makes sense. 

Miles2Go

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You're being so honest with yourself (and the rest of us) that I don't think anyone can fault you for feeling this way. You are guarding yourself from the emotions that could follow. Understandable. 

I don't know that I have anything relevant to offer you in this situation, but I just want to send you my support. Hang in there. 

singing_lyn

This is my first pregnancy so I can't fully relate, however my cousin that I lived with for a long time and basically consider another sister, had similar circumstances, lost 2 babies, had a girl, lost 3 more, had a boy, and then finally lost 2 more before she couldn't see herself trying anymore, that last 5 I actually lived with her when she went through them, so sat on the couch watching movies and just letting her cry when she needed to, and was there a couple of times when she had to tell people it was a no again. It's so hard, and each loss is a loss, so I can understand the fear to get excited, the detachment until it's viable, everything that you are going through even though I have not personally experienced it. I'm sooo sorry for each and every single one of your babies that did not make it into your arms, and I am sending T&P's that this is a sticky baby and you can get excited, and happy, in knowing that this one is going all the way to term and will round out your family even more.

Turn4Cindy

I'm sorry to hear of all your losses. I completely understand how you are feeling when you say you are not attached. "I am still pregnant today" is also how I find myself thinking sometimes. I think that it is a bit of an extreme place, but it's a safe place and that's what we sometimes need to stay mentally healthy.
I had one traumatic experience with loss and that is all it took for me to think as you do. I can only imagine going through something so terrible more than once. Lets not stay in this rut for long though... Lets be positive because like you said, it is out of our hands. ((Hugs))

Ziegeficker

You have every right to feel that way. We ALers don't get the bliss of a worry-free pregnancy :-( Please don't add guilt to the list of emotions you are already feeling. Big hugs.

Soupy84

I understand how you are feeling. My last pregnancy (it happened to be my first pregnancy) ended in loss. It is such an absolutely heartbreaking experience and no-one is able to relate until they themselves have suffered the loss of their child and dreams that will not come to be.

I am taking each day as it comes and hope that once my loss milestone and previous due date pass, I will be able to enjoy and get excited about this pregnancy.

You truly are an amazingly strong woman, I dont know if I would have the same strength and courage. (((Hugs))) Dont feel alone, there are many of us who are PgAL.

pandadair

@HatchetFace I'm right there with you. We very much wanted/tried to be pregnant, but I still can't stop myself from going down rabbit holes of catastrophic thinking. Like "What if this baby ruins my body and my career and then my husband uses it as a time excuse to not finish school and we end up living in a gutter". I've actually felt weird telling the few people that we have, because they get way more excited than I am. And my mom had pretty bad postpartum depression, so I'm terrified that the depression from my early 20s will rear its head. It's is partly why I'm so bummed that I don't have any friends in my current city, which I was a total nerd about on another thread.

tl:dr Don't feel bad about it and you're definitely not the only one.

CopperPoppy

I am so sorry that you feel so torn. I don't blame you. I can only imagine. I'm glad you're here and hope we can be the support you need to lean on. I know how it is to not be able to talk with anyone and fear burdening others. Praying for the best and that you can be kind to yourself through the process.

getitdone

I am so sorry you are feeling this way but I totally get it. DH and I have had 2 M/Cs and this is our 3rd pg. DH and I are not even really talking about the baby yet. We don't want to get our hopes up so we are just waiting until we are sure this baby is going to stick. T&Ps your way for a sticky baby!!

melissamello

So sorry for your losses. You've been though a lot so it's understandable that you would feel cautious. But don't be so hard on yourself, you don't have control over what your body will do. I'm a FTM and so I can't really relate to what you are going through, but for what it's worth a lot of us are scared and just living in the moment. I know, me personally, I'm constantly checking the tissue paper when I use the bathroom, every cramp or twinge makes me nervous, and I pray every day that everything is going to be okay. So you are not alone in that sense. You aren't crazy for feeling the way you feel. I wish you the best and hope you have a H&H 9mo.

Bayberry12

@cnk459 I haven't even intro'd on this board, but I felt compelled to respond to your post. 

This is my 5th pregnancy and I have had no live births.  I have had 3 early miscarriages and my daughter was stillborn at 39 weeks.  Right now I feel like I have no reason to believe that this pregnancy will result in a take home baby.  

Sadly, losses can take away that innocent, blissful happiness that pregnancy brings most people.  I don't feel attached to this pregnancy, we won't be telling anyone about it unless it becomes to difficult to hide. 

I am hoping with time that I will feel that attachment and be able to visualize a future with a living child, but right now thats not really the case.  Like some of the PP have said, you are just protecting your heart.   

andrew's wifey

Of course you're apprehensive to be attached to this pregnancy!  What strength you have to keep trying.  That's incredibly brave.  Not dumb.  I hope this pregnancy ends in happiness for you.

Magheeta

I'm sorry you've had to go through so much pain. Thank you for being real and honest, and I hope that with time, the stress/fear/whatever goes away and you have a healthy pregnancy. ((Hugs))

talkthewholetime

What an incredibly strong woman you are to keep trying. You so beautifully wrote what you feel, and I can't imagine anyone thinking badly about your feelings. Prayers for a healthy pregnancy an a beautiful baby.  

rak123

Sending you hugs. Feel free to vent here anytime.

uniongirlfmv

You have managed to put everything I have been feeling for the past few weeks. This is pregnancy # 5 for me. 2 live births. Now 10 & 2. My most recent loss was 13 months ago. My husband knows I'm pregnant, but he specifically does not want to talk about. So, I absolutely do not.
You are strong! And brave! And you have so much courage to talk about it!