WDPT? Forced affection

SandiaPinaMama

What is your opinion of adults forcing kids to be affectionate?

The thing that made me think about this was a visit tonight from MIL, whom I am annoyed with right now. Before she left, DS1, 2 1/2, tried to give her a fist bump goodbye. Instead she said, "I've had kids; I know what to do," and she picked him up and forced him to hug her, even pushing his head down on her shoulder. This seems uncool to me, but I'm not certain if I am just being pissy.

Thoughts? Should an adult force a kid to hug them?

LoveActually4

Nope. I insist my kids look people in the eye and say hello/goodbye and i may suggest they hug/kiss a relative but I wouldn't force them to touch anyone if they're resistant to it.

virgin4lyfe

Your kid fist bumps. That should have been awesome enough for her.
No, I wouldn't force a kid to hug me especially if he was already trying to give me something in place, like the fist bump.
Some kids have contact issues. I have contact issues now as an adult.
I usually go for high fives with the kids I'm close with, unless they wanted to hug me and we have that established.

klondikebar

I didn't force my children to give hugs and kisses when they were younger. As toddlers, they usually gave hugs goodbye, but they did have moments when they weren't having it. I don't mind encouraging affection or a playful "I'm going to come get that hug from you," but it's not necessary to maul a hug out of a kid IMO. My line of thinking is that if they didn't want to hug their favorite aunt, they were in a funky mood and squeezing them against their will wasn't going to help anything.

Ireland05

Very not cool of grandma.  We are always telling DS that only he can decide what happens with his body, and that includes hugs and tickles.  

SandiaPinaMama

@mamaREB29, eye contact is a great point, thanks! @Ireland05, that was my line of thinking.

sandraanddrew

Nope and this is a constant issue with my MIL.  DS hates being forced to do anything and she constantly wants to make him hug and kiss her goodbye.  DH has had to talk to her repeatedly about it but it never seems to get through.  Eventually I snapped at her to stop forcing him and maybe he'd actually want to do it on his own. Seemed to work, the past few visits anyway.

suv75

Not ok. I don't force affection on other kids and don't force mine to give affection to others. I usually suggest a high five if my kid isn't into hugging or kissing. Their bodies, their decision.

LittleFish1

I agree with not forcing affection. I might suggest air hugs and blowing kisses but fist bump & eye contact are completly appropriate. Kids go through phaases; some are longer and more permanent than others.

EMOmamma

My family are huggers. I'm used to it, H is getting there, but if the munchkins back off I just try to get them to give a high five or bump. I don't push the hug and luckily most of my family understands.

Mags748

My kids usually give hugs on demand, but if they don't want to, I say "how about a high 5 or a fist bump?" It usually never gets past that, but if they refuse any sort of  contact I drop it. Is it really fun for anyone if the kid doesn't want to do it?

Pearls+Oysters

I do ask our nieces and nephews for a hug or a kiss, and I never force it out of them. I figure if I ask their permission to hug/kiss them goodbye at least they feel somewhat in control.

Nephew D is, at almost four, in a "no physical contact" phase which I respect, and our usual hugs have turned into high fives and down lows. It's awesome.

Niece L, also almost four, is in a "as close as possible" phase and will french kiss you if you let her. It's not awesome, being on the receiving end of "forced affection..."

pandaglitter

My daughter gives hugs to EVERYONE. I did tell her she needed to give a hug to her grandma because she had been being really rude to her for no reason and she needed to apologize, but I didn't force her to give a good or "real" hug. It was kind of a "I have to, so I am" hug, but I knew she'd feel bad if she didn't and end up crying about how she wished she had because she was having one of those days. Normally I hate it. Her great grandma used to guilt her into giving hugs, which I thought was stupid. If you ask her, she'll more than likely happily hug you. You don't need to make her feel bad for not hugging fast enough ("you're going to make me cry *fake tears*"). It definitely made her not want to hug her.

MrsT0514

EMO-mamma said:

My family are huggers. I'm used to it, H is getting there, but if the munchkins back off I just try to get them to give a high five or bump. I don't push the hug and luckily most of my family understands.

This. Both my and MH's family are huggers, so at this point we're used to it. As of right now, our son is only 8 1/2 months so we haven't gotten to the voluntary affection stage yet. I know with our nieces and nephews, we ask for a hug, if they're not feeling it, a fist bump or high five is just as good.

I plan to adopt a no forced affection rule when my son gets older. I'll def ask him to maoe eye contact and acknowledge people whwn saying hello /goodbye, and I'm sure I'll say something like "want to give grandma/papa/etc a huge goodbye?". If all he wants to give on a certain occasion is a high five or fist bump, then so be it. I'd never want to put him in a situation where he'd feel uncomfortable. No matter if its with family or otherwise.

NotSharknado

Forced affection is Ds's worst nightmare. I would never do that to my kids. He's 13 and just managed to do a fist bump.

ASmallWonder

This actually started a major spiral in my relationship with my mother.  On Christmas when DS1 was 2.5 she walked in and demanded a hug.  We're not close so he hadn't seen her in months and I had even told her before she came that sweeping in all loud and demanding wasn't going to win him over and that she needed to chill and let him warm up to her.  When he refused to hug her she called him a weirdo.  

RayRay007

I don't like it. 

Sometimes DD just doesn't want to give hugs and kisses goodbye to my ILs. I think they should just be, "ok, bye A" and carry on. But they totally force it. Goodbyes turn into 5 minutes of them begging her to give a hug and kiss and they eventually chase her down and grab her and use force to make her hug them. They live 5 minute away so I don't know why goodbyes always have to be a big deal. In my family, it's "see ya later, have a good drive". They live 4 hours away and we see them maybe once a month or two. If A doesn't feel like giving hugs and kisses (we always make sure she at least says goodbye), they just leave it. 

I have a friend at work that claims she is trying to teach her kid empathy when she pretends to pout and cry and tells him she's sad when he doesn't hug her. I think it's manipulative.

Nechie122

I agree with the general premise of "no forced affection" but I also think my child has to at least be polite. Like, you put down the iPad or whatever, come over, give a socially-appropriate goodbye (high five, peck on the cheek) and then you can go back to what you're doing. I know with a lot of kids, especially preteens, it's not even so much about bodily integrity as they just don't want to be bothered. Sometimes we can barely drag my 6 year old nephew away from the TV to say goodbye to my parents after they drove 6 hours to come visit and bought him tons of toys. I think that's rude and my sister should encourage him to say a warm goodbye.

shadypines

My children must say hello and good bye, but hugs and kisses are up to them. ETA correction I wouldn't say must but encouraged. Usually it's never a issue.

Rach7170

Nope nope nope. That shit pisses me off. My child has the right to say no and that is really wrong to force someone to hug or kiss you. Totally gross. If anyone ever did this to my child, they wouldn't be seeing him until he got an apology and they realized why what they did was wrong. Does that make me extreme? Maybe. I don't really care. It's my hill to die on.

Rach7170

Oh and to clarify, he has to look at them and say goodbye and hello. If that is all he wants to do, then that's all you get.

SandiaPinaMama

elmoali said:

This actually started a major spiral in my relationship with my mother.  On Christmas when DS1 was 2.5 she walked in and demanded a hug.  We're not close so he hadn't seen her in months and I had even told her before she came that sweeping in all loud and demanding wasn't going to win him over and that she needed to chill and let him warm up to her.  When he refused to hug her she called him a weirdo.  

Ah hell no! Hugs @elmoali, this business with your mom is crappy.

BluepointToasted

I hate hate hate this! My BIL and SIL always used to do this with my nieces, and it drove me mad. The girls were a little shy, and they used to straight up yell at them to come give me and DH a hug and kiss. We would both just say, "that's okay", wave, and walk away. Infuriating. And guess what? Now that the girls are older (7 and 12) they are voluntarily super affectionate with me and DH. On their terms.

Nita2603

One of the things I promised myself and my kids before they were even conceived was that they will never have to touch or be touched against their will. Ever. That includes hugs and tickles.

Sometimes, grandmas are just shit out of luck.