How do you remember it?

bennyandthejets13

So the other night I was reconnecting with a friend that I haven't spoken to in almost a year due to a falling out. One thing he kept saying was he was sorry about things and felt terrible him and his wife were not present on the "happiest day of our lives" when DS was born. Last time we talked I was only 3 months pg so he didn't know about DS being a preemie (born at 34w) and everything we've been through. Now don't get me wrong I love my DS to death and he's doing great and on his way to catching up but I can honestly say that the day DS was born was not a "happy" day. It was a day filled with stress and fear about what was ahead for our DS. I rememeber the first time I laid eyes on him and he was so small and I just couldn't help to think "you shouldn't be here yet". Like every preemie mom he was immediately taken from me and sent to the NICU and it was hours before I got to see in again. I'm a FTM and thank god for the NICU nurses because they had to show us how to change diapers, burp DS, and even bathe him because we hadn't gotten the change to go to our baby classes yet. We don't have those typical hospital picutes with family and friends holding DS and it gets to me sometimes that our story was very different. DS is 4 months actual now and I feel guilty that I've yet to make peace with how things turned out for us. When I think back to the day he was born all I remember is the fear, the NICU, all wires and tubes, all the drs he saw and how hard it all was for me. Am I wrong for feeling like this? I love my DS and I know he's healthy now but I can't seem to make peace with it.

PhillyGal34

You are not wrong for thinking that or any of the ways you are feeling.  There is no right or wrong.  I felt/feel the same way many times.  I feel jealous of my friends who take for granted the things they got to experience and how easy everything was.  But now that we are farther along in our journey I can say that I look back and remember a lot more of the good.  I remember holding him for a few seconds before they took him and saying "I love you" over and over and knowing he heard my voice first.  I remember the first time I really god to hold him and the feeling of peace that it brought me... even though that was more than 24 hours after he was born.  I remember the pride of seeing him grow and reach milestones that he's truly earned.  And I am happy with the awareness he has brought to a lot of people in our circle about prematurity and the money he has raised for March of Dimes.  

If you asked me a year ago when DS was 3 months old if I would feel this way I would have said no.  I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that you can look back and see this differently down the road. Not everyone does and our birth although scary and traumatic (at 31 w) was relatively smooth and not nearly as scary as many others.  

Good luck!!! this group really helped me get to where I am! 

JennZK

My peanut just turned one, he was a 26 weeker, and I definitely relived the feelings of that day a lot around his bday. The word I use to describe it is traumatic and other parents that have term babies look at me like I'm crazy. The day we are excited about celebrating is our homecoming. That was the best day of our lives.

bennyandthejets13

JennZK said:

My peanut just turned one, he was a 26 weeker, and I definitely relived the feelings of that day a lot around his bday. The word I use to describe it is traumatic and other parents that have term babies look at me like I'm crazy. The day we are excited about celebrating is our homecoming. That was the best day of our lives.

Yes. Thank you that's exactly how I would describe it and people just don't seem to get it. DS was born on mothers day and I just want to punch people when even after telling them DS was preemie say, "oh that must of been the best present for you ever!" Um no the best present would of been if he would of stayed put but that didn't happen. I just feel guilty that like unlike term babies I can't see the good from that day yet.

KatFCo

What you are feeling is completely normal and I promise it does get better. DD is 6. The night before her birthday for the last 6 years, I have mourned what we didn't get. It has gotten better over the years, but I still give myself time to remember the pain and fear. No, it wasn't a happy time. I didn't let them take her footprints and I even felt awkward about pictures being taken, because to me, pictures are for celebrations. I didn't feel like celebrating; to me, it felt like a funeral.

I was sad when we registered because she was in the hospital at that time; I was sad when we played the "Baby ABC" game at my shower, because I was able to think of an X: x-ray.

It's okay to be sad. It's normal to be sad. You will continue to be sad, but you will also have more happiness than sadness. I remember those days with sadness, and I remember the terror, but it's a better remembrance because I know where she is now. I can see just how far she's come.

When the sadness threatened to overwhelm me, I tried to remind myself of how beautiful she was and how much we had to be thankful for.

If you feel like it's not getting better, it might be helpful to get professional help. Being a preemie mom can bring on PTSD.

DrRx

It's been 19 months since the day Adalyn was born, and the way I feel about that day has definitely changed over time.  I definitely went through the mourning and loss of a happy and healthy pregnancy/birth experience, and it sucked having to deal with those feelings of not having those amazing "just born" pics where mom, dad, and newborn are in the hospital bed.  For me, her birth WAS traumatic and dramatic, but I've decided to remember it as one of,if not THE most, significant nights of my life. 

As a result of that night, I learned the stuff that my daughter is made of, what DH is made of, and what I am made of.  That night signified the start of me really learning about the hard events in life and how strong our family is in being able to overcome them. I am stronger as a mother and a wife because of that night. 

vsalt31

As other posters suggest, you are not alone. The day my DS was born was traumatic, scary, and a complete blur. I was happy that he was doing, but to describe it as the happiest day of my life is a stretch. I'd save that description for the day I found out that he was coming home or the day that he was actually discharged. Those were awesome days!

ludali

DD was 33w4d and is now 10 weeks old. I feel very similarly to you. The day was the hardest in my life...thankfully she's a healthy little girl. Not having pics still makes me sad...and since she was an emergency csection as many were, DH wasnt able to announce "its a girl!" to an eager waiting room of family. Unfortunately through the experience with my preemie, I found out I have a unicornunate uterus and any subsequent pregnancies won't last much linger than this one...so almost guaranteeing another NICU stay. But its what's we'll do if it feels right to build the family we have dreamt of together.

carrotcake06

Every time I start to relive their birth, I have to stop myself. I just can't yet. I've told their story many times and I can do it without crying, but in that space in my head I just can't go through those emotions yet.

For me, it all happened so quickly that I didnt have the time to process what was happening or what could happen. I'm still in survival mode 12w later and haven't been able to / cant exhale yet.

One day maybe, I'll make peace with it all.

lhuttlinger

No way! You are so not wrOn to feel like that. It took me going to therapy to come to terms with my ds's birth experience. There are other happy days you get to have with your dc. It's ok that it wasn't the day he was born.

Pips09

PPs have pretty much covered it, but I just wanted to add that my daughter's birth was one of the scariest days of my life. Other days in our journey have been much, much happier, and I think that's OK. Because that is our journey, and we have come a long, long way.

jbranden12

Anna's birthday is one of the worst days of my life. It is right up there with the days we found out her big sister passed away and was born sleeping and the days where we received terrible news in the NICU, like the news of Anna's brain bleeds. I don't know if it will always be in the top 5 worst days of my life, but I guess I hope so, because I hope we can avoid more tragedy. The intense pain will fade with time, I am sure, but I will never put a rosy spin on it. I love her and am thankful for her every day, but I will never stop wishing her birthday was very, very different.

Brummy14

I feel this way, too. We're inching closer and closer to the girls' first birthday, and I'm not looking forward to it, to be honest. Reliving that day....I don't want to. Terrifying, the day -- and the week leading up to it. It's going to be a tough few months, I think -- just remembering where we were, what we were going through. The fear...intense, crushing fear, lack of control, exhaustion, anxiety...unlike anything I've ever, ever experienced. 

There aren't many positives about that day. I don't remember much. I had been on mag sulfate for 3 of the prior 5 days -- the epidural they put in the night before never completely took, so I was intensely uncomfortable all night but could feel the pinches as they were prepping me for my emergency c-section, so they had to put me under. I spent most of the day trying to come out of the anesthesia cloud -- and then begin to attempt to wrap my head around what the hell just happened. I remember watching them intubate DD2 to put surfactant in her lungs -- and I felt so disconnected from it. I couldn't even process it. It wasn't a good day - not for any one of us.

In short - you are not alone. But, I really don't expect others to really "get" it. And, that's okay. That's what this community is for.

bennyandthejets13

Thank you so much ladies!! I feel so much better knowing that I'm not being crazy or unreasonable about our journey. It still boggles my mind sometimes because I was having a smooth complication free pregnancy up until my water broke unexpectedly at 34w at 6 am and by 2pm DS was born. Everything happened so fast and I feel like I didn't have much time to process things I just instantly went into survival mode. Our days now are way better and I hardly even think about how bad they were just talking to my old friend brought everything back.

staceymack

I'm glad I found this post today. I Sat down with excitement make a photo book of our first month. A few hours of trying to get photos and words together I found myself grieving and crying. Initially, I didn't understand why. I've been so busy I thought all those emotions had passed. Our girls are home and doing well. I couldn't figure out why I was so upset. I'm glad to know what I'm feeling is to be expected and our normal. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

vulpini

It was a scary, stressful, overwhelming day.  I was also having a complication-free pregnancy until my water broke at 1am at 34w6d.  I hadn't considered that I might have any birth experience other than a traditional term birth with a 2-day hospital stay with visitors and balloons.  It's going to be a while before I stop feeling sad that we didn't get that kind of birth story and jealous of the women who did.  The day DS came home was much much happier than his birth.

megs2011

I think it's a completely normal feeling. The day the girls were born I was a mess because I kept thinking, it's too early, they aren't ready. I didn't get to even see my girls for 12 hours after I had them and didn't get to hold them till almost 48 hours after they were born. I still have moments where I just want to cry when I think back. We are almost at their 1st birthday and I have a feeling that day is going to be hard.