advise on dealing with preschooler tantrums

smittendorff

My 3.5yo has very passionate reactions sometimes when he is asked to do something he decides he doesn't want to do.  For example, today he was super mad about his morning bathroom routine (teeth, hair, potty, same as every morning).  And then later he was super mad because Grandma told him he had enough snack in his bowl (it was a pretty full bowl of crackers and cheetos, more than enough junk food).  Full out tantrum, including calling me mean and some hitting.  He's just getting really frustrated when he feels like he doesn't have any control.  I know it's mostly a normal reaction and somewhat typical for this age.  I'm wondering if you have any tips and tricks to help him get through it.  I requested a few books at the library (Llama Llama Mad at Mama and Why Do Dinosaurs Get Mad?).  I had the thought of getting him a stress ball or similar.  Any other ideas that have worked for you? 

smittendorff

Oh, it's definitely normal.  He really commits to the tantrum, much more so than my oldest ever did.  As I mentioned, I don't think it's unusual at all, just wondering if anyone had any tricks that worked.  We try to talk it out, but he's rarely willing to listen.  And I don't want to just give in to him and then reinforce that the behavior is okay.  Any other books?  Specific distraction techniques?  ???
 

RondackHiker

I find alcohol helps.

Sucks I can't drink right now.

Really, just stick to it. Don't give in. Don't make a big deal about tantrums or act like they upset you.

Use sneaky choices, like if he needs to get in the car ask if he wants a boost or to climb himself or if he wants to walk to the car or be carried or which toy does he want to bring or which radio station... Then he'll hopefully forget he wasn't given the "car or no car" choice.

ILoveBoys

Don't give in, and only give choices where you're okay with either option being picked. We have a "spot" at the bottom of our stairs. When my newly turned 3 yo throws a fit she has to go sit there until she calms down.

smittendorff

I do try to give him choices when I can.  A lot of times he just isn't able to listen or focus on anything else I may suggest.  If I can, I just wait it out until he calms down.  But in cases like this morning, we if we waited to long his brother would miss the bus.  I think he needs an outlet for his frustration.  Is something like a stress ball a weird idea for a 3.5yo? 

ASmallWonder

I'm stuck on the title. Does another version of The Toddler exist?  If so, I'd like to upgrade to that model.

You changed the title.  My answer stands

RondackHiker

He's just going to throw a stress ball.

You have to give choices (or distract) before he hits meltdown stage. Once he's in meltdown stage there's nothing to be done but wait.

This morning I'd have slung him under my arm while he screamed and taken older brother to the bus.

aglenn

We set up a corner of DD's room with soft pillows and a little play tent and that is her cool off spot.  When she starts losing it over nothing we will tell her to to sit in there until she can calm her body down.  She's usually back and apologizing within a few minutes.

They just really have no emotional control at this age and get easily overwhelmed.  What helps him relax?  Does he have a favorite stuffed animal, or does he like soft music, etc.?  Help him find some tools that can work for him.  The rest is just about calming yourself down and not overreacting, which is way easier said than done.

LaurelBee

My 4yo nephew is in karate. He is huge for his age and was kind of a bully in the sense that he would use his size to his advantage when playing with smaller kids. It has helped him learn to touch people respectfully and focus his strength and power else where. Maybe that would be a good outlet for your LO? Maybe he is acting out bc he's not getting enough 1 on 1 time with you?? Or bc his schedule always has to be altered for your older child's needs?

smittendorff

thanks everyone.  And I retitled this thread.  I wasn't sure what to call it.  A specific cool down spot is a good idea.  And trying to recognize the behavior before it escalates is definitely a good idea.  I will try to pay more attention to the progression.  Now it seems it can often be very random and unpredictable, but I bet there are warning signs if I pay more attention.  I wonder if things would have went better this morning with the bathroom routine had I suggested alternate choices the first time he said he didn't want to rather than insisting he didn't have a choice if he wanted to go to grandmas.  Thanks ladies, this is helping me think through it.  I appreciate the feedback. 

CinemaGoddess

Igoo0304 said:

I think a lot of it is recognizing when his behavior is about to escalate and distracting him. Offer choices and give him control before he acts out.

This isn't always apparent, tho.  See: K's epic freak out because her shoe dropped on the floor.  

smittendorff

I like the karate idea!  We have a 6yo and a 4 month old, I don't doubt that part of this is acting out due to lack of attention.  he could really benefit from more 1 on 1 time.  And unfortunately I often don't have the ability to focus on his needs during the immediate situation.