Not wanting another child but wanting the perfect _____?

legalbeagle1

I'm not exactly sure how to say this.  DH is definitely set on one and done and I am pretty much there too, but sometimes I think about being pregnant or having another baby and think "Oh, I'd definitely stay in shape this pregnancy and work out all the time and just get a cute bump instead of fat" or "Maybe the second baby wouldn't have low muscle tone and I wouldn't spend a lot of his or her first year worried and would just get to enjoy it" or "I would remember to take all the appropriate month pictures on the right day and have them be themed."  (Okay, the last one is a bit silly.)  I guess I was wondering if anyone else feels this way who had a harder pregnancy or infancy or toddlerhood -- not wanting a second baby exactly but sad about not having a chance at what they thought would be perfect/more blissful?  Maybe it is good for me to recognize that this is what  actually want and not confuse it with wanting another -- not sure my career/marriage/life could handle that.

In great amazing news, we went to a neurologist on Monday and she thinks L is doing great and isn't worried about neurological or genetic issues causing his low tone.  We'll check in again in a few months, but for now I am just enjoying my little nugget.

kristennd

That's such a normal thing. Who doesn't fantasize about re-doing certain moments in high school etc? There are all kinds of things I wish had been different with LO, but doing them for/with another child wouldn't really make me feel better about getting them wrong the first time. Most of it was bad luck, not anyone's fault, but you get the idea.

Arcadia1114

I wish I could go back and try breast feeding. I tried so hard and never made enough. When ds was five months old, I discovered my thyroid was at 109.4. It isn't supposed to be over five. That was the reason I wasn't producing. I sometimes wish I could get a mulligan on that.

Smudges*Mom

My tubes are tied, so there is no going back. . . But the things I'd want to be different are: * To have DH at our child's birth (he was in Iraq) * To (hopefully) have a healthy pregnancy (no pre-eclampsia or HELLP) * To try BFing (with a deployed DH and a history of depression, I knew I had to get back on my meds--even before PPD knocked me off of my @ss.

legalbeagle1

Thanks ladies -- good advice and support as always.  I think I am going to use this as an opportunity to remind myself to ENJOY my one and only and from this day forward and make a better effort at the things I wish were better, ex. try to be less anxious about his development, take more videos, take him to the park on a nice day even if it is easier to stay at home, etc. 

Tink112011

Hmmm.. Interesting way to look at it.

Yes, I wish I had a do-over on certain things.  I didn't know a thing about how to create healthy sleep habits for my baby and ended up with a bad sleeper.  I know I'm to blame for that.  DS was extremely high maintenance and fussy as a baby, and I wonder what would be like to have one of those easy and calm babies that I hear about.

But a lot of things went really well for us, and I have a happy, healthy kiddo!  I'm more petrified to get pregnant again because things could have been worse.   I think more along the lines of "What if I have a really rough pregnancy.... what if a second LO is more high maintenance than my first... what if I get another bad sleeper... what if something happened and our finances couldn't handle another."

So I guess I look at a second LO pessimistically, where you are looking at it a second very optimistically!

hopefulmom81

I totally get what you are saying.  There are several things I would love to "do over", but the biggest one is it would be cool to be pregnant and know that I could bring a healthy child into this world, which I didn't believe the entire 39 weeks I was pregnant with DD (2 prior losses).  She is my proof that my body can do it!

cedenton

LibraryChica said:

Normal! When I think of having a newborn I think, "maybe I could breast feed this time" and then am immediately hammered with anxiety about trying to BF again. I think that part of it is wanting a redo of A's first year. So glad to hear your son is doing well!

Exactly this!

Divallyn

I don't have any "regrets" about the pregnancy or birth experience but I do wish I could have a so over with the new born stage. I suffered PP Insomnia and went a little crazy. I could not fall asleep for the life of me which sent my spiralling into bad PPD. The first four months I don't remember and them soon as I started to get better my son developed severe atopic dermatitis that I became obsessed with curing since he was in discomfort. It was exhausting and it consumed my thoughts from 4-6.5 months. So I think it would be nice to experience the newborn phase without those issues.

JoAnna914

I had literally the perfect pregnancy and birth experience, but the first five months of infancy were very challenging for me, and looking back, I do think I probably had PPD.  I spent a lot of that time being afraid and thinking I may have made a mistake in having a baby, and I now wish I could take all of those feelings back or at least have recognized the fog I was in so that I could have gotten help.  However, there is no guarantee that I would have as smooth of a pregnancy the second time around, or an easier time during infancy.  We are on the other side of that now, and my little boy is so frickin' awesome, and taking those risks are not worth it at my age.  

aeh72

I totally get what you are saying. The one thing I long to do again is the delivery. I had a long and stressful labor that ended up in a c-section and I was so over it by then and exhausted that while I was happy DS was born, I don't feel like I was able to fully express my happiness and enjoy that moment.  I'm so grateful that DS arrived safely and with no complications but I sure would love to have that feeling of pure and utter joy the moment your child is born.