Trying Again after a Loss

TwinkleTor

I lost my son Domenik on 9.913 I was 27 weeks pregnant when I went to a normal appointment to find out my son had no fetal heartbeat. The doctors rushed me to labor and delivery and they checked for a heartbeat twice more and still nothing. At this point they told me they were going to induce my labor and that I would have to deliver the baby naturally, and I needed to understand that I wouldn't be able to take my son home afterward. It was the most devastating news I've ever heard. My son was delivered at 1lb 4oz. I held him for 7 hours until I decided to go home and plan his cremation. I can say I am blessed to have had the chance to carry my son, and even more blessed to have been able to deliver him and have the chance to see him, hold him, and smell him. He was precious and beautiful and I'm content knowing he is now my angel and I truly believe that he will protect me and his daddy and any future brothers or sisters he will have. One weeks later I'm totally ready to start again. Me and my sons father want a child more then anything and can't wait for these 4 weeks of recover to pass so we can start a new journey for a sibling for our angel Domenik Rey! Besides... We need that closeness that "love making" brings. Especially after such a hard loss.

OSUWifey09

***SIGGY/PREGNANCY MENTIONED***

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Domenik. I remember having that feeling of "I need to be pregnant NOW" right after I lost my son at 34 weeks last year, but please be gentle with yourself. Give yourself the time to heal, to grieve, to move forward. Everyone is different in terms of when they try again - some tried again right away, and others [like me] waited almost a year or longer. You will know when you're ready, but being pregnant again after a loss can be really hard emotionally. 

I'm sorry to welcome you here, but you've found a great board of supportive women. We're here when you need us. *hugs*

AJCagle82

I went through the exact same thing on Sept. 6, 2013 with my little girl. I'm so sorry you lost Domenik, but I'm glad you had a chance to hold him and love on him. That was the sweetest moment for me with my little girl. I'm so glad to have that moment. I completely understand what you're saying about wanting that intimacy with your husband. I just want to feel my husband touching me so I know he's there.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

***siggy warning***

As PP said, please be gentle on yourself right now. Many if us had the urge to be pregnant immediately after our losses. In one if my counseling sessions early on I was advised not to make any major life decisions for at least 3 months. I wanted to punch my counselor when she said that but I realized she was right. You think you're thinking clearly right now but in a few months you'll probably realize you haven't been. DH and I decided early on we wanted to wait a year before trying again. While I'm not saying that that's right for everyone, I'm glad we waited because it gave us time to focus on grieving. Wishing you peace and love during this difficult time.

shandorfml2

I'm sorry to welcome you here and for the loss of your sweet baby. I echo PP's. I wanted to get pregnant the second I left the hospital. I'm six months out and have been trying to get pregnant since my 6 weeks post partum check up. I can now say I am glad I didn't get pregnant right away. Grieving, being pregnant and burying my child would have been way to much. I needed the time to mourn and miss my baby. It's so ,so hard but I want my next child to have the best Mommy he/she can have and a healthy pregnancy. Best of luck

angelsnight

Ticker warning/pregnancy mentioned

 

 

I'm so so sorry for the loss of your sweet Domenik, it's a pain no parent should ever have to go through.  Like PPs said, I too understand the desire to be pregnant again right away.  I was asking my doctor what we can do next time before I even delivered, and MH said he was ready the next day.  However we waited the six weeks our doctor advised us to physically...I can't tell from your post if you're saying you just want to, or if you plan on shortcutting that six weeks.  If the latter, please please follow your doctor's advice, it is for your health.

Once that six weeks is up, it's totally up to the individual couple as to when to try again.  My doctor recommended six months to a year, but given our history and our age, we knew we couldn't wait that long, so we started trying again a couple weeks after we were cleared physically.  It didn't happen the first month which I was ok with, but the second month trying we got pregnant with what I pray is our rainbow.

I don't regret getting pregnant again so soon, but being pregnant again and worrying about this pregnancy along with grieving for my daughter is so hard.  MH, who was ready to try again the day after our loss, has been very angry lately and I suspect it is due to being under so much stress.  Your loss is so fresh and your emotions are so raw right now, please give yourself the six weeks to heal physically and somewhat emotionally (though of course emotionally it will be a much much longer process).  You'll know when you're ready to try again.  Best of luck to you and huge hugs!

Noethola

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Domenik. 

Most of us deal with wanting to be pregnant again, because we know it is the only thing that will fill our arms with a long awaited and hoped for baby. Regardless of when you chose to start trying again, know that it is another huge layer of emotional turmoil in the grief process. 

Each month you are not pregnant can feel like another punch in the gut, and when you are, you are extra concerned each day for the baby you carry while still grieving the one you lost. 

I will say this, while you are not pregnant, consider taking time each day to spend thinking about the one you lost. (I know, we think about our babies every moment of the day, but I mean time to constructively spend "with" them.) Perhaps it will be journeling, scrap booking, creating art, etc. Take time to really feel your grief and set it aside as time you get to spend thinking of and being with the memory of your son. This will be a lot like the time you would have spent with him after he was born. Make it a special time for you, because once another baby is on the way, it wont really be the same. I just encourage you to work through what you have experienced.

When you are blessed with another baby, I truly hope you have a wonderful pregnancy and you are blessed with a beautiful take home baby. 

PerkyErky

***Siggy Warning***

I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your Domenik. This pain and heartbreak is something I wish no one ever had to experience.

After we lost our daughter I wanted to know when we could start trying again. I felt empty and broken and wanted a baby to heal that. We were advised to wait until at least my period returned to try again for physical reasons and my dr recommended waiting 3-6 months for emotional. It took two months for my period to return post partum and we started trying that cycle and fell pregnant. I am so so so incredibly grateful for this baby, but being pregnant after the trauma of losing a baby is one of the hardest things I have experienced. I am constantly worried and anxious. I also know that this baby will never heal the pain of losing Alice. Only you will know when you are ready to try again, but please take this time to be kind to yourself and grieve.

TwinkleTor

Thank you ladies! I appreciate all the advice! I do crave the intimacy with my fiancé, but we are waiting the 4 weeks! ( only 4 weeks my doctor said to wait because my delivery went so well!) I have done a lot of crafting for my son, we designed a urn for him and had one custom made, we made a painting for him, and we built a memorial! It was all very therapeutic for me, don't want to speak for my fiancé. I also think it all is very beautiful! I love looking at it all, I also talk out loud to him, and I write in my journal to him! We agreed to wait the 4 weeks before starting to try to get pregnant again, but we both are very sure we don't want to wait too long. Hearing some of you say you waited a year sounds incredible to me, and I praise your strength for waiting that long. We yearn to be parents, and though we lost our son, we want to try again as soon as possible! Congrats to all the new mommies after such a tough loss! I hope to be in your shoes some time soon! And thank you for welcoming me here, as sad as it is! I'm glad to have people to talk to about this. I prefer this over actual groups since I'm not very social in person!

Noethola

Read this article today and thought back to your post. Thought you might find it helpful too https://projectsweetpeas.blogspot.com/2013/09/trying-to-conceive-after-loss.html

TwinkleTor

Wow! That article was awesome! Thank you!