I don't know what to do.

NotSharknado

FIL passed away last Thursday and Dh has gone off the deep end. He's been taking his anger out on me and basically talking to me like shit.

I finally broke and snapped back and called him a selfish motherfucker. It just came out. He got hulk angry and started screaming at me calling me unsupportive, he hates me and he's done with me. He left and said he isn't coming back. I'm mean and unsupportive.

Look, I know I shouldn't have called him that but it just came out. I'm trying to be there for him and he's just being down right mean to me. I couldn't take it anymore and I snapped.

Should I have just tried to suck it up and take it a little longer or am I right for telling him he's taking his anger out on me and enough is enough.

On one hand I feel a person can only get beat down so much before they fight back but on the other I feel guilty.

I'm sick over this.

Forenzicsgirl79

Do you know whats behind the anger? Like when my fil died, my dh was sad but not angry. Is this something he has had issues with?

NativeFloridian

Fuck, Shan, I'm really sorry. 

I don't know what to tell you.  I think your reaction is pretty natural, everyone gets tired of being treated like shit.  But I also know (secondhand experience, here) that losing a parent makes a person heartsick in ways that nobody else can understand unless it's happened to them too.

I really don't know what to say.  Give him some time to cool off and try to get a hold of him and apologize sincerely for flying off the handle at him.  Don't try to justify it (even though I don't think you being mad was necessarily wrong).  Just apologize and if and when he comes back just let him grieve.

I doubt he is being nasty to you on purpose.  I'll bet his world is rocked right now.

stally11

We lost my FIL 3 years ago. Suddenly. My Husband was angry, devastated, sad, every emotion I'm sure your H is feeling. Anger was definitely what he felt the most. While we never had a fight like you did, there were plenty of times I wanted to scream out like you did. It does get better. I'm not going to lie it won't not soon and it wasn't easy. I think that losing a parent is one of the hardest thing a marriage will go through. Sorry no real advice here except hang in there. Its a long road.

LoveActually4

@shanado I am so sorry you're dealing with this.

When my DH's dad died he had a lot of mixed emotions and he took a lot of it out on me. It was a really hard time for our relationship (his dad died 4 days after our first miscarriage and I was going through a lot) and he was not the nicest person to me. This was really atypical behaviour for my DH.

I just tried to really calmly set boundaries without upsetting him and say things like "I know you're going through a lot right now but you're really hurting me when you say that".

In our situation, DH admitted he just had so many emotions and I was the only "safe" person he could really get angry/frustrated with. He had to keep such a happy face at the funeral and wake and then he would come home and be a super ass to me all night.

Sorry for the ramble, I just understand how hard it is to be someone's emotional punching bag. Try to show your support while telling DH that you deserve better.

I hope this fight blows over and he stars treating you better soon.

::hugs;;

nanabanana06

I feel like your reaction was warranted. I get being upset over the death of a parent, but not to the point where your SO is a walking punching bag. I feel things like this is just human nature to lash out when your tired of an action. Hopefully he comes back and at least apologizes to you. I would talk to him about maybe getting into a form of martial arts and some counseling. This way he has a channel for his anger.

littlestjerry

DH pushes me away when he's upset too, it sucks ass. I think your reaction was to be expected. It's really hard to try to be there for someone who won't let you be there for them. You have every right to be upset at what he said to you, but try to cut him some slack since he's going through some pretty intense stuff right now. I agree with NativeFloridian. Just give him some space and apologize when you can. I'm sorry  

LadyXaverian

I'm so sorry. Sorry for the loss of your FIL. Sorry for your husband treating you poorly. Sorry you snapped at him. Sorry he's left (for now). I hope you can work it out.

klondikebar

I'm sorry, shanado. NativeFloridian summed up my thoughts pretty well. I don't have anything else helpful to add. My DH lost both parents and just gets very depressed at certain times of the year. He never went through the anger.

NotSharknado

He came home so I might not be back here for a bit. TIA.

klondikebar

I hope you have a good talk and reconcile. This isn't easy for either of you. (((hugs)))

LaurelBee

*hugs* I don't have any advice, but I just want to offer you support. I'm sorry

NotSharknado

I have lost both parents so I know what he's going through. I'm just so emotionally and mentally drained right now. One minute I feel justified and the next I feel guilty. As soon as he calms I will apologize.

MrsSparklesMcGee

I'm so sorry. I hope you can get through this. Creepy stranger hugs.

jorkz821

I'm sorry Shanado. I know people deal with grief in different ways but you're right that its not fair that he's taking it out on you. Hope you guys can talk it out tonight.
Hugs!

MrsT0514

I'm sorry you have to go thru this right now. TBH, I probably would have reacted the same way you did. A person can only be treated like shit for so long before they break. Then its just a knee jerk reaction.

Maybe your DH just needs some time to himself to work thru his emotions. I'm sure he'll be home soon to talk it out. Best of luck. Hang in there.

nancy30005

People say things they don't mean when they're hurt. Y'all both did that tonight. 

Yours was understandable, I don't know how I feel about his. I'm a totalbitch when I'm sad/stressed. 

You're a doll, sweetie. No way is he leaving you. He's hurt and he wants you to hurt also (not that you don't). 

I am sending you lots of hugs. Be prepared for him not being ready to talk, though. He's a dude. 

It's been rough for all of y'all lately! 

GL, babe! 

Rach21

One of the stages of grief is anger. I haven't lost a parent or an in-law, but when my grandfather died suddenly I went around telling anyone that pissed me off that I hated them. It was a knee-jerk reaction.

Once he calms down, apologize and talk it out. I am sorry for the situation. I hope it all works out.

LuckyDad

He needs to see a counselor or therapist.

RondackHiker

Everyone has already said what I'm thinking. I'm so sorry. See if he will see a grief counselor.

azzyberry

As many people have stated, anger is one of the stages of grief.  People handle grief in different ways and for some they get really angry and tend to take it out on the people they are closest to. It doesn't mean that you should have to take it and be his punching bag but I think you could have handle it better instead of yelling and calling him a "selfish motherfucker".  I realize you probably just had enough and lost it with him but it will only cause situations like this to get worse.

After you both have calmed down, I would talk to him calmly and apologize for calling him a selfish motherfucker.  Explain to him that you know he is grieving and you want to be supportive of him but that you feel he has been treating you badly and taking his anger out on you and you were upset/hurt by this.  Hopefully he will understand and things will get better.

I am so sorry for the loss of your FIL and that you are going through this with your DH. Best wishes to you both.

NotSharknado

Thanks guys. He's calm but still not interested in talking to me. I did manage to give him a kiss and tell him I love him and he just rolled his eyes. I'm just going to give him space for now.

PrimRoseMama

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

I understand grief does crazy things to people, but its never permissible to take your anger out on others in the form of verbal/physical abuse.

Your husband was wrong to do that. There is only so much a person can take before they lash out. So, while it was not nice or right to call him names-- I can see why you did it.

This flip out of his is off the wall. I really hope he doesn't mean it, comes back & y'all can work it out.

klondikebar

I'm sorry things didn't get resolved tonight. Maybe he will sleep his mood off and tomorrow will be a fresh start for the both of you. More hugs.

NotSharknado

Thanks again for all your kind words. I did not sleep at all last night. He woke up and went to do a side job so at least we'll both have some space.

klondikebar

Maybe a little space will help both of you. I really hope the day turns out well for your family.