My family is angry and jealous of my pregnancy. Any advice?

heather59901

I am the oldest of 3 kids. I'm in my early 30's and have 3 kids of my own. Both of my younger brothers are married but do not have children. The youngest and his wife found out recently that she is unable to have kids. My other brother and his wife carried their baby to term late last year but she was stillborn. I had not planned on getting pregnant this time. However, I am very happy to be expanding my family. The problem is that my brothers and their wives are upset that I already have 3 kids and am now having a fourth. When I told them I was pregnant, they both offered to adopt my baby. My youngest brother even went so far as to call our mother a few months ago and tell her that he and his wife are more financially stable than I am and that I should let them adopt my baby. My mother defends these statements I think because she feels bad for them given their situation of not being able to have kids. As a result of fear of making them uncomfortable, I don't speak to either of my brothers or their wives. My mother and uncle decided a few weeks ago that we should all travel back home (to another state) next month to visit my grandparents who are elderly and not in good health. I am very excited to see my grandparents, but not looking forward to an awkward situation. My mother even told me last night that my being there pregnant (I will be about 31 weeks) will probably bother my brothers and their wives and I will probably feel like an outsider. I haven't done anything to intentionally hurt them and I understand that they want children too. But I feel like it is somehow my fault that they may feel uncomfortable during our visit back home. Any ideas on how I can prepare for this?

mcgeeva

Aye that is a tough one. Well first off you can't help how they feel but they truly need to learn how to deal with it. People go through struggles all the time and as hard as it is you have to find a way to be happy for others. I am speaking from the IF standpoint. I did not take out my issues on other people or not come around because I couldn't be happy for others. All you can do is show up for family and I guess don't really say anything about the pregnancy unless asked. But as far as adopting your child - that is crazy. Unless you don't want this baby that is odd for them to think or even say to others they should have your baby.  If they want one so bad they should start the adoption process now since it's never a fast thing. People should not be made to feel bad because you got pregnant and others have not. My SIL wasn't around when I Was pregnant, on bed rest or when I had my son because it wasn't about her. Funny part is she was pregnant. My same SIL wouldn't attend my cousin's baby shower or mine during that time as well. Some people are just too selfish to be happy for others.

FemShep

WTF is your mother doing? Why on earth would she even tell you such terrible things? You need to set some clear boundaries right away. Tell your mom that you are very sad that your brothers are having such a hard time starting their own families, but their problems have nothing to do with you and your children. Explain that when she tells you you'll feel like an outsider or that your brothers are angry and jealous, she hurts your feelings, and you won't discuss the subject any more. And if she continues to bring it up, stop the conversation. Immediately. It is NOT ok for your family to treat you like this, and you need to let them know that you won't tolerate it.

lollipoppoop

Wow!!!!! I would just be blunt and let them know that its YOUR baby and you're not going to let anyone adopt.  The fact that they would even say that is just crazy. 

MamaP19

This should be a happy time for you - sorry that your family is seeing it as anything but. I assure you that you aren't the only pregnant person they will meet. It's a shame if they can't find a way to be happy for you and others in their lives that are able to have children. As pp said your mother can empathize with them but defending what they're saying is NOT okay. If they're interested in adopting, that's great, but wanting to adopt your child because you have others is just crazy (unless that is something you were open to and suggested yourself). Hopefully with time they'll come around, until then, distance seems like a good thing. I also would try not to let their feelings affect your visit with your grandparents - but I know, easier said than done.

jacquilee83

I think I would find it really difficult to continue to spend time with my family if they treated me like this. Their behaviour is way out of line and they should be ashamed of making you feel guilty about your pregnancy.

I can understand their situation and how difficult it must be for them but i would definitely be calling all of them out on their behaviour. Not ok at all.

I hope things get better for you.

Disneygeek77

Holy hell, they said what ?

heather59901

Thanks to all of you for responding. I was actually starting to wonder if I was just being too sensitive. It's just very disappointing that during what is supposed to be a wonderful time in my life (and it definitely is for me and my children!), my family wants to try to cast a huge rain cloud over it. Whoever said that they are acting as if I already have enough children, so I won't miss this one said exactly how I feel. That's precisely what it feels like. If either of my brothers' wives were pregnant, my mother would be over the moon. I feel like my baby, though, is being looked down on and treated as second-rate before he/she is even born.

flcl

Your situation sounds terrible and I'm sorry you're going through this.  During this time, it is important for you to surround yourself with people who are being supportive to you.  Unfortunately, that doesn't always include the people that you think it should.  What's happened to your brothers' families is extremely sad and it may take some time (and possibly professional help) for them to heal.  You can't control their feelings so it is unfair for them to try to control yours.  As PP have mentioned, talking to your mom is really important.  Not that she doesn't have emotions involved in your brothers' lives, but she is not one of the couples and she is YOUR mother too.  Maybe she needs a reminder of that and what it is you need to feel supported.  For her to expect you to be an outsider at your own family's get together is appalling. 
Best of luck!

jessib10

jacquilee83 said:

I think I would find it really difficult to continue to spend time with my family if they treated me like this. Their behaviour is way out of line and they should be ashamed of making you feel guilty about your pregnancy. I can understand their situation and how difficult it must be for them but i would definitely be calling all of them out on their behaviour. Not ok at all. I hope things get better for you.

Ditto.  I would separate myself from them if they couldn't be cordial at least.

heedy07

This sounds like they see your child as a sort of possession that they can make you share. I think they all need some couseling, and perhaps family counseling with all of youin wouldn't be a bad idea. Yes, I feel for them, but they cannot go tattle to your mother in order to get you to give up your baby. It's a *baby* for pete's sake, not a toy. I think you just need to stand your ground until they start acting rationally again.

imakeeff0rts

Wow. That is 100 different kinds of fucked up. I am  so incredibly sorry that you're dealing with this. 

Honestly, I would cut the lot of them out. If they can't be happy for your and your family, and if your brothers and their wives can't be bothered to take steps to expand their families (aside from pretty much demanding that you let them adopt yours)...they're not worth it. It sounds like they don't value you, and I have a feeling that they're not going to value your child either. 

As a PP said - blood is NOT always thicker than water. If it were me, I would not go on this family trip and start phasing them out. 

Good luck, OP. That's just horrible.

msronzio

This is a happy time for you. Do NOT let anyone ruin that!