What would you do...

jamiegrenz

Last night, my almost 4 yr old and I were making dinner.  Out of the blue, LO says "My daddy yells at H (his gf) sometimes and says bad words to her".  I was kind of flabbergasted that he said that, not that it happens.  Ex-DH would yell at me all the time when we were married, calling me the c-word etc for some things as simple as asking him to take out the garbage.  This was a huge reason for our divorce.  I explained to LO that he should never talk to anyone that way, especially girls/women.  He also said "no one else can say bad words, only daddy".

It breaks my heart he has to hear this stuff.  We don't have that type of household at our house.  DH and I, if having a disagreement will often times take it to another room or wait until later and even then, I can maybe think of two times where we have raised our voices and never any name calling. 

What would you do?

Do I talk to ex-DH about it?  I am thinking about just saying "So LO said this randomly the other night.  I thought you might want to know so you can maybe reevaluate what gets said around him".  or do I not do anything?  I dont want LO growing up thinking thats how you should treat people, let alone those you love and he worships his dad.  Luckily he also worships his stepdad who doesn't treat people like that.

Thoughts and opinions appreciated. 

sweetwalks

How awful for your LO.

If your ex would curse at you for something as simple as the garbage...I can only imagine his reaction if you said something like that to him. Unfortunately, no matter what you say it will not change his behavior.

I would keep reinforcing by actions, in your home, how to treat other people. LO will see that in your home with you & your DH.

I'm sorry!

ETA: I hate it for his gf, but she's choosing to live with it. If you bring it up then LO may hear his dad say those things about you when he's there. The less confrontation the better, especially with someone like your ex.

Nineoceans

My Dh used to confront BM about her extremely poor judgment so now she has taught my SS to keep secrets and never say anything that goes on in their house.

This is worse.

Don't confront him. If he could/wanted to change he probably would have when you filed divorce.

Just continue to be a listening ear for your son "how did it feel to hear that" "how do you think H felt when she heard that" etc. let him express his feelings so he doesn't have to bottle them up and be a safe listening space.

BM punished SS so many times for telling things about her, seriously it's not worth it at all

CurlieWhirlie

It really depends on what your relationship with your ex is like. If it was me, I would bring it up exactly as you have stated above, from the perspective of "reevaluating what gets said around LO". It doesn't have to be inflammatory, it doesn't have to be about his relationship with his GF, it's really only about what he says and does around the kid. He's teaching his child how men and women interact, and right now he's not setting a good example.

However, if bringing it up, even in a businesslike manner, will cause drama and potentially make things worse, then that's something you should consider, too. 

Yuck, good luck. Agree with PP that setting a good example in your home is really the *most* important thing.

MrsHetzel

Nineoceans said:

My Dh used to confront BM about her extremely poor judgment so now she has taught my SS to keep secrets and never say anything that goes on in their house.

This is worse.

Don't confront him. If he could/wanted to change he probably would have when you filed divorce.

Just continue to be a listening ear for your son "how did it feel to hear that" "how do you think H felt when she heard that" etc. let him express his feelings so he doesn't have to bottle them up and be a safe listening space.

BM punished SS so many times for telling things about her, seriously it's not worth it at all

This definitely.

Mkherren12

Sadly there is nothing you can do about it. If y'all have a decent relationship you can try taking to him but if he's anything like my XH it won't do any good. I would focus on your child and give them some strategies on where to go (bathroom/bedroom) when it happens again. Sadly he doesn't have to change has behavior and likely wont. It's not enough for you to keep you child away from him.

agibby

SS told us something similar two years ago. Said he was scared because BM was yelling at her then SO and repeated a bad word she was yelling. Said he went up to his room and shut the door and covered his head because he was scared.

DH brought it up nicely to BM, just saying, this is what was said, if it is happoneing please be aware that this is how it is affecting SS. She got pissed and started yelling at DH, calling him a liar, SS a liar, etc. Then when SS got home, she "had a conversation" with SS and sent him to the corner.

Anything SS has said since then about times they fight, we've just talked to him and let him know it's not OK to yell and say bad words and there are other ways to handle a disagreement, and that going to his room away from it is the best thing to do.

Unfortunately, sayng anything to BM about it just isn't worth it for SS. She will punish him for tellng us things that go on in her house, and we want to keep the lines of communication open between SS and us, so we talk to SS about it and leave it at that.

BUT, if something worse goes on, ie: abuse of SS, you better believe we'll step in then.

agibby

Nineoceans said:

My Dh used to confront BM about her extremely poor judgment so now she has taught my SS to keep secrets and never say anything that goes on in their house. This is worse. Don't confront him. If he could/wanted to change he probably would have when you filed divorce. Just continue to be a listening ear for your son "how did it feel to hear that" "how do you think H felt when she heard that" etc. let him express his feelings so he doesn't have to bottle them up and be a safe listening space. BM punished SS so many times for telling things about her, seriously it's not worth it at all

This is exactly what happens with SS too. We do not repeat things to BM that SS tells us specifically becuase of this. Sometimes SS opens with "Don't tell my mom this" and we have to assure him we won't unless it's something we feel is really bad. Sad that it has to be that way, but we hated hearing about BM punishing SS for telling things like that.