Not inviting wicked stepmother to shower (long, sorry)

vorse

I do not want my stepmom invited to my shower because I hate her... Here's why. I'd like any opinions on this decision, as it' causing my dad grief. Almost 12 years ago, my mom passed away of breast cancer. My parents had been together for 20 years. My dad met my stepmother about 6 months later and went downhill quickly. At the time she was "between nursing jobs," and we had heard from people that knew her that she'd been married and divorced twice, has a 12 year old son who was taken away from her when he as 6 months old, and had a serious history of rehab incidents for drugs and alcohol. Within a year of getting together with her, my dad lost his job that he'd had with 3M for 23 years, got arrested for coke possession and resisting arrest twice, started disappearing for days at a time leaving my twin brothers to fend for themselves, and lost our nice house that he bought with my mom. Crazy things went on for a few years, eventually we found out that they got married 10 months earlier and never told anyone. I can't even begin to tell you all of the crazy things that went down in the past 11 years. In the past few years they have both calmed down with the craziness, and my brothers and I have forgiven my dad for "the dark years," as we call them. We've always been civil with the stepmom, but never liked her. My dad is now on disability after an accident he had, but it's not much to live on. His wife hasn't kept a job for more than a few months and hasn't worked at all for 2 years now. She's also claimed to develop agoraphobia as an excuse to not work and won't leave the house except for doctors appointments (so she can get her meds of course). She's severely depressed and doesn't do anything to help my dad around the house, and he's disabled for cripe's sake. My aunts, grandma, etc. have been nothing but welcoming to her, even after the craziness, and she NEVER goes to any family function. To get to the point, my shower is coming up and I refuse to invite her. My aunts (mom's sisters) are throwing the shower, and they feel very uncomfortable not inviting her. They are way too nice to everyone and don't want her to think it's them not inviting her. They never, ever talk to her and neither do I! I've written her out of my life because all she's done is cause anger, grief, and turmoil within my family. My dad is the one responsible for what he did, but I 100% blame her for bringing him into her crazy world when he was most vulnerable. Now, everyone is telling me just to invite her because she won't even go anyway, and it would make it easier for my dad because she'll give him grief for not being invited even though she wouldn't go anyway. My point is that, I know she won't go, it's not about that. It's the gesture of sending her an invitation to celebrate my baby. I don't consider her part of my life, and she won't be part of my child's life. It's the fact that inviting someone to your shower says that you want them there, and they're welcome. I don't. She is not. So no.

adawn1981

I would invite her.  That is just me though.  Plus even though your Dad starting getting into trouble after he met her - he was a grown man able to make up his own mind.

backoffunicorn

It's a tough spot but I think you need to make up your mind on what the right thing to do is.  At the end of the day, you want it to be a happy occasion and if you think there is a chance she will go and put a damper on the day for you then just don't invite her.  Granted, sometimes you have to suck it up for family's sake so you don't want your dad to get upset by it either.

vorse

I don't consider her family. At all. I didn't even want to invite her to my wedding in January but I did so I wouldn't hurt her or my day's feelings. Other things happened since my wedding, causing me to be done with her.

Aycul18

I think the real question is if it's worth the grief that it will cause your dad. I'm stubborn and really wouldn't want to invite her, just like you don't, but at the end of the day if I knew it would cause my dad a lot of heartache, I'd probably just bite the bullet and do it. Worst case scenario, she actually will show up, with a gift, and you'll have to deal with her for 2 hours.

cantsitwithus

I wouldn't invite her. It doesn't sound as if she has been a mother figure for you nor has she ever been a friend or someone you can trust. You shouldn't feel obligated to have her around on a day that should be special.

lilypienmessimy

This is a tough call, but at the end of the day, this is celebrating you and LO, so do what you want to. You don't want that day stressful and if you don't want to invite her, even if she won't go, then don't. I probably would send one, even though I really wouldn't want to, and I'm actually doing that for my SIL who I just pray won't come, but just need to invite her anyways.

onewayticket

Wow this makes me feel much better about my step mother. I wouldn't blame you for not inviting her. I feel so sad for your dad tough hand he has been dealt in this life.

vorse

Thanks so much for your advice, ladies! I'm sticking to my guns and not inviting her. I've never been one to fake anything so I'm not going to start now.

Mac2588

I'm not inviting my sister or my cousin to my daughters sweet sixteen party in November. So I can relate.

Jenniferomeo

I wouldn't invite her. Just because she's family means nothing. What if you did invite her "knowing that she won't show up" and she DOES show up? You'd be mad at your aunts for pressuring you to invite her and you'd be stressed out at your own shower.

esf60

You basically described my life. I lost my mom to breast cancer 10 years ago and my dad quickly remarried. This woman was a monster and I could barely be in the same room with her on a good day. She treated me terribly. Luckily my dad eventually saw the light, divorced her, and married a wonderful, normal, sane woman who I'm proud to have as a grandmother to my child.

All that to say that I absolutely would never have invited that woman to my shower. Never, ever. So I feel you completely.

vorse

esf60 said:

You basically described my life. I lost my mom to breast cancer 10 years ago and my dad quickly remarried. This woman was a monster and I could barely be in the same room with her on a good day. She treated me terribly. Luckily my dad eventually saw the light, divorced her, and married a wonderful, normal, sane woman who I'm proud to have as a grandmother to my child. All that to say that I absolutely would never have invited that woman to my shower. Never, ever. So I feel you completely.

I SOOOO wish my dad would see the light, but because he can't, I am on my end. Hopefully one day he finds a nice lady that doesn't bring him down..

vorse

Jenniferomeo said:

I wouldn't invite her. Just because she's family means nothing. What if you did invite her "knowing that she won't show up" and she DOES show up? You'd be mad at your aunts for pressuring you to invite her and you'd be stressed out at your own shower.

Great point! If she did show up, it wouldn't just make me uncomfortable, but also all of my aunts, cousins, etc. because they haven't seen her more than once in 2 years at least. It would suck for all.

Joy+BabyNumber3

Wow, I am so sorry. This is so horrible...honestly, after ALL of that stuff, plus more not even mentioned...why does she even EXPECT to be invited to family stuff anymore? 

I've read similar stuff on Dear Abby and her advice always is "Do not invite them and if they ask you why, explain that their own behavior has made them unwelcome to (generic family event) and leave it at that". 

You know this reminds me of when my mom wanted to invite her ex-husband (my ex-step dad) as her guest to my wedding and I said NO FREAKIN' WAY. This guy made my childhood miserable. Did it cause her grief? In the moment it did. Did she care when the wedding rolled around, not at all. She was dancing it up with the rest of her family, (who also can't stand him), and everyone was having a fantastic time. It was the right decision to make.

mariahbowden

If you don't want her at the shower, don't invite her. I think the bigger question is how to approach her and your dad going forward. Your dad is a grown adult. He is choosing to be with her and has so for over 10 years now. That is a long time. I would see them as a package deal. I think it's time that you either accept their relationship or place just as much blame on your dad. He's a big boy capable of making his own decisions.

Lyzza350

If you're angry with her (and clearly you are) I say you're making the right decision. You don't need those feelings coming up at your shower. Sometimes in life we need to take care of and protect ourselves and not worry about hurting feelings. Especially of people who have hurt us in the past.

ScarlettV

Hey, If she's agoraphobic as she claims, then she wouldn't want to go anyway, right? Just use that as your reasoning for not inviting her.

And if she does whine and show up, you can use that ad an opportunity to tell her to get a flipping job.