*Update*Did I do the right thing?

s0ulchicken

A new family has moved in to our neighborhood. It is actually two families, sharing a rather large home. In this residence, there are 4 little kids, that I know of. They all attend school with DS & DD2.

On Tuesday while walking home from the bus stop, one of the fathers screamed out the window of his car to DD, his daughters, and a handful of other kids to "Get the fuck out of the road, you stupid little bitches "

When DD2 and DS got home, they told me about it. After talking to DH, we decided that he should go to their house to talk to the guy. The guy was really douchey to DH, and told him he wasn't talking to DD2, but his own daughters instead. He said that if our DD freaks out over bad language, that she is in for a hard life.

The other parents involved actually called the cops, and apparently the guy said the same thing to the police officer. The other parents involved now say that their kids can't play with the new kids, because of their parents. After talking to DH, we agreed to the same.

When I explained this to DS and DD2, DS burst into tears. He says they are really nice kids, and it isn't their fault that their parents suck.

He is right. It's not their fault. And my heart breaks to think that there are 4 sweet little kids who are now basically shunned by the neighborhood kids because their parents feel like they are protecting their kids. I can't shake the horrible feeling that I am being a grown up bully. But on the same token, the parents of the new kids are NOT good people. DD2 was hysterical after that guy screamed at her. If I can control it, I don't want them to encounter that man again.

What say ye parenting? Should I be ashamed of myself?

Updated:
I chatted with the other moms at the bus stop. One is pretty staunch about not allowing. The other two had a change of heart as well. The kids all spent about 2 hours in my front yard playing, and all did really well together. The oldest girl wears a watch, and she gathered her sisters when it was time for them to go. I feel like a pretty shitty person for even considering not letting the kids play together, and am glad that DS gave me a reality check. Thanks for all of the input everyone!

shadypines

No

NativeFloridian

This is tough.  Because really, the kids will probably feel like shit that no one plays with them because their parents are horrible idiots.  At the same time, sending your kids into that environment seems like a bad parenting move.  I don't really know how you should feel, TBH.

s0ulchicken

sgreen13 said:

What about only letting the kids play at your house? That way your children aren't subject to the father's language and general nature.

I thought about that. What if he comes to pick them up though? Am I being a drama llama?

Unknown

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s0ulchicken

katem3277 said:

Wow that is crazy.  So his defense was I was talking to my kids when I said GTFO you little bitches?  I think I would have the same reaction you did and want to keep my kids far away from him.  That being said, could you allow them to play with your kids at your house?  Is that an option? 

It is for me, but I am not sure if it is for DH. He was pretty livid.
TBH, I am a little intimidated by a man that will swear at a group of 6-10 year olds, and then say its okay, because he was talking to his own children.

Libby1978

That's a tough one.  I would feel sorry for those kids for more than one reason, but it is your job to protect your children.  You could try to have them over to your house to play, but their parents may not allow that either.

azzyberry

Those poor kids.  If their asshole father talks to them that way in public, it scares me to think how he treats them in private.

I agree with everyone else who said to allow them to play at your house under your supervision only.  It's not their fault their father is a dick and I wouldn't want to punish the kids for that.  

So sad...

s0ulchicken

You know what bugs me a lot about this? That the mom hasn't come to talk to any of us.

shadypines

She is probably scared of her DH. I would not feel comfortable with it one bit.....

Nechie122

If they all go to school together and live in the same neighborhood, that's going to be very hard to enforce. Also, it won't prevent the father from having a bad attitude -- he could have still screamed at the neighborhood kids regardless of whether they were walking with his own children.

It also seems a bit immature to take it out on the kids. If you have a problem with the parent, you take it up with the parent.

While I understand not wanting your kids to go over to that house, to ban them from playing together in public or at school seems extreme and unworkable.

ILoveBoys

Wow......
I'd be liable to let them come play at your house. Sounds like they need to know what families are SUPPOSED to look like. Or they could end up messed up.

bumpuser1691848

I agree with having the kids come to your house. If the douchey dad comes to pick up his kids, he stays outside the front door until they're ready to leave.

Also, is what he said not some form of verbal abuse? Like PP said, if he says shit like that in public, and admits it to the cops, there's no telling what is going on behind closed doors.

s0ulchicken

@Nechie122 we did take it up with the parent. He was unremorseful and antagonistic.

I would assume that DS, and probably DD2 will continue to socialize with them at school. I don't care if those kids play at my house, I really don't. I am heart broken over the whole situation. I am more concerned by the fathers volatile behavior, and making sure that my kids don't have to encounter that situation again. DD2 was scared.

DH on the other hand, may not be so inclined. He is a calm, compassionate man. I don't know all of the details of his encounter, and probably never will. But I do know that he was so angry he was shaking when he returned.

angelashly

sgreen13 said:

Your house and your rules so that means he can't come in the house to get his kids. He rings your doorbell and waits outside until the kids are ready to go.

This sounds like a good plan. I would try this. More than likely he wont be the one picking them up.

ASmallWonder

I would be livid as well and I understand where your DH is coming from.  Let him calm down and then approach him.  Try to reason with him that those children can only benefit from being around respectful and enjoyable people, especially parents.  We can't know how far this father takes this attitude and how much damage he could be causing them.  For all anyone knows, they lack self worth and self esteem and/or are learning that his behavior is the behavior they need to mirror in life.  I'm making a lot of assumptions, of course, but I think if you watch this closely and make it so that father is never around the kids, you guys could have a powerful impact on those kids.

s0ulchicken

@BostonKisses2
Me too. I can't imagine how hard their life must be already, and to have it compounded by not having any friends in their brand new neighborhood.

Part of me says I am protecting my children. But DS really drove it home when he said what he did.

I am very hesitant to give this a trial run, but I know in my heart that I would be remiss as a human being to not. I am pretty certain my neighbors won't reconsider, but I can't stand to think that I might be contributing to any unhappiness they are already living with. I hope that my neighbors won't ban their kids from my front yard though.
Now, to talk DH down!

Rach21

I definitely wouldn't want my kid over at the other kids' house. I would let them know they are welcome at my house, in case they need a safe place. My dad was abused by his SF when he was a kid. (This was back in the 60s when everyone knew what was happening but no one ever really stepped in.) He was a paper boy in his neighborhood and so the folks on his route that knew what his home life was like would always ask him to run errands and stuff for them, so he wouldn't have to be home when his SF was home.

melissashogan

I would not allow the children in my house but allow my children to play supervised outside in the yard and at school with the kids. The kind of parents who swear at their children are likely to sue if one gets injured on your property or blame you for made up events. I can understand not wanting to punish the children but as they grow the parents influence will likely rub off more and more. How many people with trashy parents turn out to be good productive members of society? I know some overcome it but many do not. I can't tell you how many times I have heard "I just knew that kid was trouble" after someones child gets caught with another kid doing something bad.

s0ulchicken

@melissashogan ouch. My biological dad was the town drunk. There were lots of kids not allowed to associate with my brother and me. I don't blame the parents for being worried, because you never knew what my bio dad was going to pull. But it sure would have been nice to have friends growing up, too. I like to think that despite all of our challenges, we grew up to be pretty decent people. Am I apprehensive about all of this? Without doubt. But I know my kids and what they're capable of. And they've been caught doing plenty of "bad" things themselves. Shitty parents do not automatically make shitty kids. I am damn proud of my DS for reminding me that it isn't the fault of those children. I am proud of him for considering their feelings, instead of jumping on the bandwagon like DH and I did.

LoveActually4

This is a hard situation, especially if you feel intimidated by the dad.

I would probably allow their children at my house. If there was any continued verbal abuse from the parents I would discontinue contact.

ShaunaT25

Tough decision. I'd say let the kids play together, and even let the kids in your home. It would be beneficial to see positive role models and relationships. As long as Douch Baggins kids aren't using that language or having that kind of attitude I wouldn't see an issue with the kids hanging out. 

DH has a friend like this douchey guy. We went to the beach once and he called his wife a c u next tuesday multiple times in front of their kids (who are 5 and 2). That was the first and last time we have hung around as families. I have no respect for people like that and absolutely don't want them around my family. But I'd definitely let the kids come into my home as long as they aren't picking up on dads behaviour and thinking that it's an appropriate way to treat people. 

melissashogan

I did not mean to imply that shitty parents make shity kids I just meant it is more likely a child will use bad language if exposed to it everyday kids model behaviors after adults this is a fact. I also did not mean to imply that your children should ignore these children I stated what I would do which is allow them to interact in school and outside under supervision. My daughter is only allowed supervised play with other children because I have different ideas of what kids should be allowed to do I do not think any less of other parents and love their kids but I do not want my daughter walking through town without adults or riding her bike on the road or jumping off of furniture. Other parents may not see these as dangerous but I do my daughter my opinion my choice. Just like other parents may not like that my daughter is allowed as many snacks as she wants or that she catches snakes. Every parent sets their own standards for their children. I grew up with friends who had their parents buy us beer and who did drugs with their parents. I almost threw my life away because I hung out with kids who were bad influences and I had absent parents. Only 1 other girl besides me in our group cleaned up her act and made something of herself the others are in a mix of places including jail. So I know not every child with shitty parents will grow up to be shitty but when it comes to my daugter I am not going to take the risk.

s0ulchicken

Brandi Bee said:

But why is outside okay? Your kids will only contract bad language inside?

I am not certain what direction your snark is headed, so I will give you the benefit of the doubt.
I am unconcerned about bad language. I am concerned about the stability of a grown man who would call a group of children stupid bitches. I am equally concerned about him justifying it by saying he was only speaking to his children. Are you telling me that you would be okay with an adult that called Isla a stupid bitch?

I am often home alone in the afternoons, as DH does not come home until early evening. I would be more than uncomfortable having that man in my home with my 4 children, without at least DH there. I would personally be incensed if someone had my children in their home and would not permit me entrance. Thus, outside at my home is the best option that I can offer.

You missed your mark if you think this is about bad language. It was about whether I should allow my kids to continue to play with these children who so obviously have a wretched father, and risk having my children having to encounter this man again.

I decided that I was wrong in not allowing them to play. But yes, absolutely, without doubt, it will be within those parameters.

melissashogan

No I just would not want to take the risk of the father claiming things happened in my house because he was mad about the situation. I can see how I am coming across judgy but I do not mean to when it comes to my kids I will choose protecting them over being a good person everyday and that may be wrong of me. These kids may never be a bad influence but I personally would not risk it  just like I would not stop and offer help to someone broke down alongside the road if my kids were in the car. The risk may be small but its a risk that I can prevent. That does not make me right, I never said I was I just stated what Iwould do not what anybody else should do.

LuckyDad

Brandi Bee said:

But why is outside okay? Your kids will only contract bad language inside?

When I was growing up it was sort of an unwritten rule that the neighborhood kids could all play together outside, regardless of how the parents felt about each other.

theseaword

I would stay the hell away from these people entirely.

s0ulchicken

Brandi Bee said:

s0ulchicken said:

Brandi Bee said:

But why is outside okay? Your kids will only contract bad language inside?

I am not certain what direction your snark is headed, so I will give you the benefit of the doubt.
I am unconcerned about bad language. I am concerned about the stability of a grown man who would call a group of children stupid bitches. I am equally concerned about him justifying it by saying he was only speaking to his children. Are you telling me that you would be okay with an adult that called Isla a stupid bitch?

I am often home alone in the afternoons, as DH does not come home until early evening. I would be more than uncomfortable having that man in my home with my 4 children, without at least DH there. I would personally be incensed if someone had my children in their home and would not permit me entrance. Thus, outside at my home is the best option that I can offer.

You missed your mark if you think this is about bad language. It was about whether I should allow my kids to continue to play with these children who so obviously have a wretched father, and risk having my children having to encounter this man again.

I decided that I was wrong in not allowing them to play. But yes, absolutely, without doubt, it will be within those parameters.

???

Not directed at you.

Oops. Sorry.

s0ulchicken

mbenit4 said:

I am surprised the douchy dad would let his kids play with your given y'all called the cops on him.

That's wierd.

Mbenny, DH and I didn't call the police. Some of the other neighbors did. But he was apparently unfazed by it, and douchey to the police as well. He doesn't strike me as a man who would complain if his kids aren't home.