Venting in 3,2,...

+SouthernMomma+

I have just about had it with people that have never struggled with infertility or pregnancy loss, and try to justify it by saying... "In Gods timing", "Just relax and it will happen", "Don't think about it". Seriously?! I know they don't mean any harm, and I know that they don't understand how saying things like that can be hurtful. I am a preachers daughter, but I just cannot accept or agree, that God is sitting up in heaven saying "Nope, Not happening" and I most certainly don't believe that he would give me a child, and then take it away because it wasn't good timing!! So why on earth would people say things like this?! UGH!! Im starting to wonder how much longer im going to be able to hold my tongue when people "Try" to be helpful. Some poor, unsuspecting person is going to end up getting the blunt end of my reaction because I have been holding in all these feelings, biting my tongue and smiling away my frustration. My mom, (the preacher) is the WORST! Always throwing bible scriptures at me, and trying to "preach" me to death. I have always struggled having a normal relationship with her, even to the point of telling her on numerous times that I need a MOM, not a preacher. Save it for the congregation. I don't know how to go about this with her, or anyone else for that matter to let them know that their "comfort" and "advice" is in fact hurtful, and insulting. Advice, opinions?!

 

Sorry for the rant, I have no where else to take these thoughts and feelings and needed to get this off my chest... Hope its okay that I posted this.  

Sweetest116

Wait, were you just on the phone with my aunt too?!  Uuuuugh, I just had this exact interaction with my aunt.  "Don't think about it" "Relax and it'll happen" "Stop thinking about it" "Just don't stress" "It's in God's hands"... yes thank you, that's not helpful.

Aside from just forcing the topic of conversation elsewhere and cutting the homily short, there's nothing you can do.  People want to be helpful, people THINK they're helpful.  They just don't get it.

The only God-based thought I've been able to come to peace with in my own head, in my own time was that I don't just want A baby, I want MY baby, just like I was blessed with in my DS... so eventually this will all make sense because I will have MY baby eventually.  And then after saying that nice statement I always follow it up with a doubtful/terrified "hopefully"...

+SouthernMomma+

@Sweetest116 ugh, im so sorry you are dealing with this, too! I really just want to shake the crap out of people and scream "you just don't understand!". I don't wish infertility or loss on ANYONE, but I would love it if it wasn't such a taboo topic. I wish more people understood what some people are going through and be able to have a clearer understanding to actually help, and not top everything up to God, my patience, or stress.  

KC1212

First of all, I have never suffered from a loss and my heart breaks for anyone that has. I cannot even imagine the heartbreak. I don't think miscarriage is some sort of divine order of things. It simply tragic, case closed. I don't believe God would intentionally bring that pain on a woman knowing he designed us, wired us - to be mothers.

I cannot stand stupid advice.
Get drunk
Relax
Stop trying
Adopt
Go on vacation.

I'm sure there are more but I can't think of them at the moment.

However (and please don't kill me) I do think that there is a little tiny truth to the just relax advice. But, relaxing (especially about TTC) does not come easy for me. I put a lot of effort into it and some days I'm good and some not. I've been doing yoga 2x a week, mild aerobic exercise, acupuncture, herbs, and anything else I can do to be kind to myself that is good for my mental health. However my "relaxing" is with the end goal of being emotionally and physically healthy for reproductive purposes NOT to "give up", so to speak. Also doing all that I just mentioned are the only factors I can CONTROL in a situation that more often feels completely out of my hands. I don't know, I'm rambling.

I would just say something smart mouthed like "Oh! I didn't realize you graduated from med-school!"

+SouthernMomma+

KC1212 said:

First of all, I have never suffered from a loss and my heart breaks for anyone that has. I cannot even imagine the heartbreak. I don't think miscarriage is some sort of divine order of things. It simply tragic, case closed. I don't believe God would intentionally bring that pain on a woman knowing he designed us, wired us - to be mothers. I cannot stand stupid advice. Get drunk Relax Stop trying Adopt Go on vacation. I'm sure there are more but I can't think of them at the moment. However (and please don't kill me) I do think that there is a little tiny truth to the just relax advice. But, relaxing (especially about TTC) does not come easy for me. I put a lot of effort into it and some days I'm good and some not. I've been doing yoga 2x a week, mild aerobic exercise, acupuncture, herbs, and anything else I can do to be kind to myself that is good for my mental health. However my "relaxing" is with the end goal of being emotionally and physically healthy for reproductive purposes NOT to "give up", so to speak. Also doing all that I just mentioned are the only factors I can CONTROL in a situation that more often feels completely out of my hands. I don't know, I'm rambling. I would just say something smart mouthed like "Oh! I didn't realize you graduated from med-school!"

@KC1212

I couldn't agree more with your first statement!

And id never kill you, lol
I also agree that the "relax" advise does have some truth to it. But, when you've been TTC for over a year, and for some woman, longer than that, Being told to "relax" just annoys the crap out of you. I feel like saying "Look, if I relax anymore.. someone better bring me a crash cart because im going to flat line!" lol... I think that being able to relax becomes incredibly difficult once you reach the "Time to see a doctor and get answers" phase, of TTC. That's something that a lot of people don't realize because in most cases, people keep their journey of trying to have a baby relatively private. Once you start branching out looking for support is when you get the stupid, but with good intent, responses. I guess it is a 2 way street in that aspect, But it is hard to let the world know you're... "broken", in a sense.

I like the come back you provided, lol.. I think I will borrow it.

Thanks for your advice

KC1212

I understand believe me. It took 4 years to conceive my son. I got plenty of stupid (albeit well meaning) advice.

the only thing that made me a (somewhat) believer in the relax crap is the fact that we are one of those success stories that had given up and moved on when he was (finally) conceived. But I unfortunately don't think it works that way all the time, I don't necessarily (completely) contribute our success to the fact that we had given up - it's probably just a coincidental happy accident.

Well meaning idiots often hear these "stories" of their neighbors friend's half sister's cousin by marriage twice removed who got pregnant on accident after 12 years of trying while they were drunk on a cruise ship and mistake this for science somehow and then think if you magically recreate these circumstances you'll get pregnant too. When really IF is a medical DISEASE that needs awareness and recognition. There are studies that show it has the same emotional impact as cancer or other equally life threatening diseases (I wish I could find the article where I read that but, I swear I didn't make it up)