Scheduling Conflicts

MrsHetzel

Question: how do you approach the CP when there is a big event that the child will attend, (on your time), and have to miss an extra curricular activity for? And when the other parent is, hmm, how shall I put this, unreasonable?

cole2144

What kind of event? Is it for the child?

MrsHetzel

It's my sons baptism. SD10 has expressed to us that she really wants to attend, and of course we want her there, and we are trying to find a time that doesn't conflict with her activities but unfortunately that's just not possible. She's an extremely active kid.

cole2144

Unfortunately if it is not the child`s event and it is on the other parent`s time, you can only ask and hope they will allow the change. We used to have EOW before we got 50/50. SD missed our wedding because we did not have a CO and BM would not let us have the time (we had a destination wedding). Sorry I misread that, if the CO says they have to attend events you are also at the other parent`s mercy. I would ask as nicely as possible over email.

SueBear

I would find a time on your weekend / time with her, and she will have to miss out on whatever activity she has.  A baptism is a big enough event you can skip soccer (even a game) for. 

MrsHetzel

We are scheduling the baptism on our time.

cole2144

Yeah I misread that sorry. Unless the CO says they need to attend all activities. I would nicely let the other parent know they were missing the activity but not ask for permission.

CFjo2010

cole2144 said:

Yeah I misread that sorry. Unless the CO says they need to attend all activities. I would nicely let the other parent know they were missing the activity but not ask for permission.

This.

@MrsHetzel based on your reply to the other post where you said it is in the CO that DH must take SD to all activities, I would strongly recommend getting a modification.  It is completely unreasonable of a Judge to order that your DH must take SD to everything.  A huge family event like a baptism is far more important than a soccer game.  SD isn't in the Olympics, she can miss a game.

If I were in your situation, I would document all of my attempts to schedule the baptism around SD's schedule (printout of what's available, emails with the church, etc) and then let BM know in an email that due to unforeseeable issues SD will have to miss her soccer game.  Let BM file contempt if she so chooses, and have DH take all the documentation with him to show that every effort was made to accommodate the soccer schedule.  And then DH needs to demand a modification.

MrsHetzel

@jobalchak I can't even tell you how we let that clause slip into the order. In a very small nutshell, while DH has given BM child support every week without fail since they broke up (he also all but legally adopted her older daughter who's father is long gone and pays to help support her too), they never had custody/visitation set in stone. He just did whatever BM wanted. Of course when I came in the picture and the girls met me and liked me (the horror!) she started withholding visitation (even more) to control DH. So we finally took her to court after 4 yrs to get it put in writing a) shared legal and b) that SD would attend our wedding. (BM said "but she has soccer!" And even her own attorney laughed at her and said wedding takes precedence over soccer). So when BM finally lost some of her "power" by having to relinquish full legal, she demanded that it be included that DH be taken to all activities on DH's time, which again was nbd to us bc DH has never let SD or her sister miss an activity on our time...not exaggerating, never. But now that LO is here, and SD is very in love with her little brother and wants to be at his things, we really should modify the order. The problem is it took us 15 months to get anything done last time around coz you guessed it BM pulled out every trick in the book to stall things. And SD got thrown in the middle every chance BM could get so DH and I really don't want to start another battle, ya know?

CFjo2010

MrsHetzel said:

@jobalchak I can't even tell you how we let that clause slip into the order. In a very small nutshell, while DH has given BM child support every week without fail since they broke up (he also all but legally adopted her older daughter who's father is long gone and pays to help support her too), they never had custody/visitation set in stone. He just did whatever BM wanted. Of course when I came in the picture and the girls met me and liked me (the horror!) she started withholding visitation (even more) to control DH. So we finally took her to court after 4 yrs to get it put in writing a) shared legal and b) that SD would attend our wedding. (BM said "but she has soccer!" And even her own attorney laughed at her and said wedding takes precedence over soccer). So when BM finally lost some of her "power" by having to relinquish full legal, she demanded that it be included that DH be taken to all activities on DH's time, which again was nbd to us bc DH has never let SD or her sister miss an activity on our time...not exaggerating, never. But now that LO is here, and SD is very in love with her little brother and wants to be at his things, we really should modify the order. The problem is it took us 15 months to get anything done last time around coz you guessed it BM pulled out every trick in the book to stall things. And SD got thrown in the middle every chance BM could get so DH and I really don't want to start another battle, ya know?

I get what you're saying, I really do.  And I'm in the same boat now that DH and I have a baby and K wants to be with us even more so she can spend time with her sister.  That's why I want you to know that I say this with all the sympathy in the world:  screw keeping the peace and fight for your family.  

It's completely unreasonable of BM to demand that DH put SD (and BM) above everyone else in the world.  That's not how it works in families, even intact ones.  You know how many of my volleyball games my dad had to miss for work?  How many birthday parties I missed because we had family stuff going on?  FAMILY takes precedence over soccer, period.  Let BM file contempt charges if she so chooses.  It sounds like even her attorney won't be on her side.

MrsHetzel

@jobalchak Gah I know you're right. The beauty of the situation is we're not scared of BM filing contempt, she's scared to go to court coz she hates the fact that a judge is allowed to make her do things she doesn't want to. And especially considering last time we went to court, when she said for 15 months "you'll never get legal custody", lo and behold we did and now she knows she can lose in court so she's not eager to do that again.

Update: DH floated a few options to her and she's being amicable and fairly reasonable about it. Another beauty of our situation is for the first time BM has realized that SD really is too excited about her brother to be negatively swayed. BM has done her best to say "SD hates you and your wife" for years but not even BM can try to make the argument that SD doesn't care for her brother coz her excitement has been apparent since the day we told SD we were expecting. So hopefully she continues to be play nice and we get something accomplished!

twister22

Do what Jo says, and make every attempt to schedule the baptism outside of SD's soccer schedule, and document the evidence. Then, once you have SD the weekend of DS's baptism, email BM letting her know that, unfortunately, she will have to miss the game that weekend due to an important family event. What's BM going to do? Probably nothing. She will possibly file contempt, and then if you do DH will just present the evidence and then request that the ridiculous stipulation be taken out of the CO, especially since he has always made every effort for SD to attend her extra curricular activities, and will continue to do so.

SimpleJane

twister22 said:

Do what Jo says, and make every attempt to schedule the baptism outside of SD's soccer schedule, and document the evidence. Then, once you have SD the weekend of DS's baptism, email BM letting her know that, unfortunately, she will have to miss the game that weekend due to an important family event. What's BM going to do? Probably nothing. She will possibly file contempt, and then if you do DH will just present the evidence and then request that the ridiculous stipulation be taken out of the CO, especially since he has always made every effort for SD to attend her extra curricular activities, and will continue to do so.

I completely agree with this. When a judge sees it was for a baptism there is no way they will hold you in contempt. That is if she even files, which I doubt she would because any good attorney would tell her not to.

MrsHetzel

Thanks ladies. BM agreed to one of the options we presented so we're happy so far!