Frustrated and Lost (Venting, really long!)

suburbanstepmom

Hi All! I know I haven't introduced myself but this weekend was something else. Let me give you a little synopsis of my situation - SO & I have been together for over 3yrs. We're engaged, no wedding date set. SO has a 5yo Son from a previous relationship. I've been around for essentially his ENTIRE life. As far as he knows life = Daddy & Rachael, and Mommy & Chris. Well, SO has him Mon-Fri and sometimes on weekends when BM can't be bothered to see SS.

This past weekend happened to be one of the weekends she ok'ed SS coming to stay with her so SO dropped SS off at her house on Friday evening. YAY TIME ALONE FOR ME WITH SO!! Yeah, that didn't happen. On Saturday Morning we headed to the mall to do some shopping. As soon as we parked his cell went off with about three texts. It was BM. She said "We have to talk, I want to meet up on Sunday at [Coffee shop in our area] just you and me. Ethan can stay with Chris so we can talk." Of course this put SO in a terrible mood. He sent her a text back along the lines of "Can you at least tell me what it is you'd like to discuss so that I can come prepared/with ideas?" So she said she'll send him an email with bullet points.

That night around 12:23am (Yes, the middle of the night) she sent him a text saying "#1. Money, #2. Ethan's Behavior, #3. How we deal with Ethan's Behavior" ... Money - seriously? Let me break it down for you. There is no CO in their situation. BM works and goes to school so she is "busy" and "broke" (so she says but she still has time to go to concerts events and purchase illegal drugs, but I digress...); so SO has SS full time, buys all his clothes, food, pays for DC, Extra Curricular activities, etc. BM doesn't even give SO $ for DC because she "Cant' afford it." Anyway, this whole meeting thing had SO all upset so he was a little snappy with me all weekend. Then Sunday rolled around and she sent him a message before we were set to leave that she didn't want me there. Period.

I don't understand. I am not only a full time part of SS's life but I have also been around for practically his WHOLE life. She acts like I am some sort of evil person who's trying to push her out of the picture. Well, long story short I guess she told SO that she still doesn't have money so can't pitch in any for DC, and she's been having behavioral issues w/ SS when he goes over there (i.e. tantrums, throwing stuff he shouldn't in the garbage, not listening to what he's told, etc) and this is "stressing her out." SO and I don't have any of these issues. He has melt downs sometimes... but he's 5. It's to be expected. Truly it's her loss for not including me in on this conversation. Because I have more problems w/ his behavior when SO isn't there as I am not quite as "hard" on him as SO is. I've found methods to deal though... methods I can't share w/ her because she thinks I am some she-devil and wont talk to me.

UGH! I just needed to vent. Not only was the positive mood of my weekend ruined by her issues but now I also feel like the lone person out because I can't be involved.

MrsHetzel

Get a court order. You're just on borrowed time continuing without one. And being the GF/SM sucks sometimes bc no judge will give you decision rights over the minor child even if they do live with you full time. So the other parent doesn't ever have to acknowledge you but you know that your boyfriend listens to you, and SS appreciates you and that's what matters.

suburbanstepmom

I have all but BEGGED SO to get a CO. He just wont do it because he's so scared that if he were to start down that road BM wouldn't want to end up having to pay child support and then she'd turn around and ask for full custody - and then not only would he not have SS anymore but he'd have to also start financing her less-than-acceptable lifestyle. That and he says he "doesn't want her money," anyway. We have no trouble affording SS but it just irks me that she doesn't have to take any responsibility for the child she gave birth to. Makes me SO mad.

SueBear

I'm a little confused.  Was BM ASKING for money, or just saying that she doesn't have money to support Ethan?

Your SO needs a court order.  He is not at all protected if there is none.  BM could get a brilliant idea that she would get more $$ by having Ethan full time as long as your SO was paying child support and go after him for full custody and support.  Then SO would have no control over how Ethan was being cared for. 

In fact, if SO has been the primary caregiver, he should at least make that legal so that Ethans schedule is not disrupted.

I don't think it's so bad that you were not in the conversation as long as her SO wasn't there either.  However, it's your SOs job to speak up for himself and set boundries with his ex.  If Sunday didn't work or if he felt he could handle the conversation over the phone or you should have been there, he could have done that.  Having a CO in place will make things easier, IMO, because it will set boundries and he won't have to worry that not doing what BM says will p*ss her off and enable her to retaliate.

There are reasons why people get those "pieces of paper" (marriage certificate, CO).  You have more rights with them than without them. 

 

nattyncbride

I'm sorry you are frustrated. I too am not married, and it can be very frustrating.  You deal w/ all the effects of SO and BM's decisions, but have no say.

However, most issues you wrote about aren't related to your marriage status.  Not having a CO: that's something your SO needs to figure out.  From BM's behavior, it does not sound like she will want full custody.  That takes work and sacrifice, and I don't know her, but sounds like she values her free time too much.  Try to persuade him to talk to a lawyer and give him a realistic scenario of how the CO will go, b/c I'm sure it's unlike the unrealistic scenario he is painting based on his fears (paying CS but having no custody).

As for her not inviting you to the conversation, I doubt that will change when you get married.  It's just how she views you, and I dare say it's uncommon for an ex to ask the new spouse into a parenting conversation, no matter how beneficial that might be.  

Lastly, I know it's annoying to you, but I think it's good (for her, SO, and SS) that she reached out to your SO to discuss Ethan.  That's a mature thing to do.  I realize the context of the discussion was not to your liking, but the idea of 2 parents getting together to truly co-parent is a positive in my book.  Try to think of it that way.  And convince SO to get a CO!!

Good luck.  I'm not trying to downplay the level of frustration in your position, but it might not change, and I do see some positives going on.  I also understand you might not see them right now, but maybe after a calming down period you can.  Did I mention get a CO?

KTdidit

First off I'll echo everyone else's sentiment: get a CO as soon as possible! I can understand your SO's fear that he will lose SS, most states do favor custody being with the mother. But in your case, your SO has had SS consistently for how long? His whole life? Based on that and BM's historic lack of effort to be in SS's life, a judge is not likely to up and disrupt SS's life like that.

As for SS's acting out at BM's house, its most likely because of HER, not any behavioral problems. That is something she will have to own up to, that he is acting out because of her lack of parenting involvement.

I'm sorry you are frustrated with not having your experience as a regular caregiver for SS acknowledged. As long as your SO recognizes and appreciates the work you put in and the influence you have you won't be completely cut out.

MrsHetzel

The judge will take into account that SS has been with your SO full time when assigning custody. He may give her joint legal/physical which would entitle her to SS half the time but there shouldn't be any child support exchanging hands in that case. And hey give BM a chance, best case scenario she steps up and is a good mother to SS on her time, worst case you give her a chance, she blows it, and SO takes her back for full custody and has a good chance of getting it.

But seriously, get a court order. No really. Get one.

jess9802

I agree - court order! My husband and his ex-wife recently modified their CO. DH has SS 75% of the time, but XW pays no child support - she and DH stipulated to that. Their divorce was in California and the judge agreed to the stipulation without question. Your SO should talk to a lawyer to see whether judges in your area sign off on stipulated child support of $0.

They need to formalize their parenting time, custody, and child support arrangement. It protects everyone.

I imagine it's frustrating to have been so intimately involved in this child's life and to be shut out by his mother. But this frustration is par for the course. She IS his mother. As much as you dislike her or have disdain for her decisions, you should focus on supporting your SO as a father, and being involved in the LO's life. You have no idea how the kiddo's relationship with his mother will change over the years, and there will be ebb and flow, but rather than focusing on how much more you do for him and how much she sucks, be a source of consistency, love, and support, and recognize that bond is a tough one.

In other words, recognize your role in this child's life vis-a-vis his mother, and you will feel far less frustration and hurt feelings over the years.

suburbanstepmom

Thanks all for the encouragement. I very badly want SO to get a CO but at the same time I understand his concerns and respect his decisions. I also respect that fact that (as sucky as it is to think) that I am kind of an "outsider" in the whole situation and shouldn't expect to be involved in "family" meetings like this. I believe part of my frustration stems from this and it's hard to take a step back and remember that I am important in my little unit (SO + SS + Me) but when it comes to BM and whomever her BF is at the time it's not really my place to try and butt in.

I think I am also just scared for SS. I love him to pieces and it breaks my heart to know that he doesn't get the attention he needs from BM. @kaholland4  is very right - I don't think it's HIM having the behavioral problems. I think it's a mixture of his adjustment to actually being at her house, his lack of direction from her on what is and is not acceptable behavior in her home, and his desire to get attention/love from her.

Thanks again for the encouraging notes, ladies. I think I will (after a nice "cooling off period") try and bring up the subject of a CO with SO again. See if maybe he's more receptive. If not... I guess I did all I can do!