Can we talk about daycare?

ReeceFamily

I'm having a wee panic attack, and I'm curious to hear from those whose kids are in daycare and those who aren't.  

A little about me:  I grew up with a stay-at-home mom...but one who was fairly emotionally unavailable (dad, too), so I developed what I now can see are some mild attachment issues, even though I wasn't in daycare. I've had lots of therapy over the years!  I have a 7 month old daughter, who has been in daycare since 3 months old.  Both DD and I work full time, which we decided on for financial reasons (part of it being that we're older parents (I'm 44) and retirement is looming for us, we have to save what we can in the years we have left).  We can afford to have DD in a high quality daycare, and I chose a school daycare over home daycare because I feel like there is more accountability/consistency (for example, I know for sure that DD is not being set in front of the television all day).  I have spent some time observing the care at various points in the day, and I really love the careworkers and the feel of the place.

My crisis:  Today I started poking around the internet and read a bunch of studies/commentaries about the deleterious effects of daycare...and now I'm panicking/debating about my decision to have DD in daycare.  What do you all think - can attached parenting at home make up for time spent in daycare?  Or am I setting my child up for emotional trouble?

aeh72

hercules03 said:

I think you are way over thinking this. Children go to daycare (millions), children stay home (millions), there are pros and cons to each situation and all you can really do is figure out what works for your family and embrace it. Most high end daycares have nanny cams where parents can check in via online throughout the day. Find one that does, this may help your anxiety. Most importantly, don't let your daughter feel anxiety towards your decisions. Children, especially babies, are incredibly intuitive to a parents, more specifically, a mother's, feelings and if she feels your anxiety toward daycare, that could cause problems for your daughter. If she appears to be growing mentally and emotionally and physically - she's fine. Listen to your mommy instincts and stop reading Internet horror stories. They will make you question every single parenting decision you ever make!!!

I agree with all of this.  If you didn't have worries about your daugther's daycare before reading these studies, don't overreact to what you read.  Think about it this way: if you pulled her, would you start to feel anxious about what she was missing/what you had given up by leaving daycare? If the answer is yes, then you've probably already made the right decision for your family by having her in daycare.

And, I have to ask - what studies are out there about daycare being detrimental? What what are they saying is so detrimental about them?  I immediately raised an eyebrow at reading that. But, maybe I'm biased because my son is in an awesome daycare and is absolutely thriving there.

funchicken

If you're happy with your daycare and your work situation, don't let those studies bother you. I've seen plenty of studies that say that high quality daycare is very beneficial. Your child will be just as attached whether you work or stay home--you're her mom. They learn so much from being around other kids.

blu-eyedwife

I think the harm of daycare is going to be specific to an individual care center (and I'm using the term center, but this would include in home care, or even AT home care like a mom or nanny).  I would hazard a guess that a child in daycare would have less deleterious effects than one who is at home with a junkie mother and her friends (a la Trainspotting).  And while some care centers don't provide opportunities for growth and exploration, many do. Is your daughter meeting her milestones?  Does she seem happy and content?  I think those aspects are more predictive of how daycare will effect your daughter in the long term.

As an aside, my brother and I were both daycare kids (both in home and in centers) because my parents worked full time.  I remember in elementary school being jealous of friends who had SAHMs who could pick them up, take them places, and have cookies ready for after school snacks.  BUT as an adult, I really appreciate the fact that my mom provided such a great role model for me.  The fact that she worked taught me that there was a place for women outside of the home, that women could be respected in their fields, that husbands and wives could share household duties, that I didn't have to give up everything to become a mom.  I've always admired the fact that she was able to do so much and still raise two kids.  And my brother and I are pretty fantastic individuals.

aglenn

There was a Huffington Post article recently about this:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/27/the-day-care-dilemma_n_3823594.html

Basically, the research fails to find any "harm" done to kids and the biggest factor is that the family is happy with their situation, whether that's SAH or day care.  I work full time and both kids started day care as infants.  They are very happy and well-adjusted.  There were times, especially when DD was a baby, that I questioned my decision to keep working but I am so very glad that I stuck with it.  I could write a book about all the reasons why, but the bottom line is that it's the best decision for our family.

ReeceFamily

Thanks for talking me down, everyone. I have, so far, LOVED being DD's mother.  My instinct is that she is happy and healthy.  Thanks for reminding me to have faith in my own instincts!!

musicalmama5

Our primitive ancestors lived communally, so babies were cared for by many different people! It doesn't have to be JUST mom (or even just mom and dad). As long as the daycare is loving and nurturing, you're all good!

=Lee=B

I am a trained daycare worker and a trained teacher.

A young child that is in a quality daycare and comes home to happy, attached parents will do just fine.  Issues arrive when the child is in a poorly run daycare and is unsafe or under-stimulated or when a child is home with a parent that is neglecting them or under stimulating them. 

The key is that what you are doing is right for your family.  Long term, a family that is happy with their daycare situation and happy about being a 2 parent working family or a family that happily has a stay at home parent is better off (all around) than a family that wants to be home but isn't or wants to work but is staying home. 

Your little one will do just fine and in the long run she will not only have had a great early childhood education experience but will have a family that is financially secure and happy.

I spent a few years as a nanny for a family with 4 children, I could tell that the family was at it's best when the mom got a chance to go to work each day and come back fresh to care for her children.  She just needed to have time outside the home.  It would have been much cheaper and easier for them to have mom stay home, but it wasn't what was right for that family.