DH Vent

unaveragejane

DH royally hurt my feelings last night, and I'm having a hard time letting it go. Basically he completely blew me off and came to bed 1.5 hours later than he said he would, despite the fact that we had "plans" and he specifically told me he would be coming to bed at a set time. When he finally did, I told him I was disappointed and he apologized, but I can't let it go. This has been a problem in our marriage for all 8 years, and I'm completely at a loss for what to do. We talk about it and it gets better for a little while, but I'm just so tired of dealing with it. And I'm tired of being upset about it. How do you let go of something your SO does over and over? How can I put this behind me?

stoneycakes

Hugs! I like the quote that goes something like "holding onto a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."  I try to think of this quote whenever I find myself holding onto anger. It reminds me that I'm really only hurting myself by choosing to focus on it. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  DH and I seem to go round and round about the same things, too.

megpeg

What was he doing? My DH was addicted to a video game for a few years when we were first married. I had had DS in the mean time and had to threaten to leave twice. He still feels bad because he missed out on so much with DS...

TJ1979

Big hugs!  That sucks. 
So I have 2 thoughts.  First of all, I'm not saying YH was right, but sometimes you have to accept certain things about certain people.  You cannot make a leopard to change his spots.  If the same issue keeps coming up, there may be something you need to accept about YH and find a work-around.  For example, MH is obsessed with looking at real estate online.  This used to stress me out immensely, because we had just built our house exactly the way we wanted it, and yet here he was looking to move.  Not to mention the fact that he did it during dinner, at work, in bed at night, all.the.time.  And he was constantly sending me emails for houses to look at.  Turned out the whole time he didn't want to move, he just likes to look at real estate.  Once I accepted that he's just looking at what's there, not necessarily trying to make us move, and he agreed to stop sending all but the most exciting listings, things got much better.
My second comment is that I think there's an underlying issue here.  What was keeping him up?  Was he specifically evading your "plans"?  Did he get caught up playing a video game or watching a TV show?  Does he not get enough alone time?  I don't think it's a matter so much of what he did, as why? 
I'm so sorry YH disappointed you, and I hope that you two can talk it out and come to a lasting solution.

unaveragejane

Thanks for all of the hugs and supportive thoughts. I really meditated over the grudge quote all day, and that helped a lot. @lbs2012, I like your idea of asking him to come up with a solution. That might actually work with him. I don't mind him staying up late normally, but when he says one thing and does something else, it feels like he doesn't care about honoring his commitments. Maybe if he is in charge of the plan completely without my suggestions, he'll finally follow through.  @TJ1979 - He was watching football on one computer monitor and reading/posting on the Main Board on the other. He pretty much watched football all weekend and does MB stuff every night, do I feel like he does get a fair amount of personal time. I know that he just lost track of time last night, but seriously we've only DTD 3 times in the past 2 months, so it makes me question a LOT when he passes up sex for football reruns.

TJ1979

It is so odd for a guy to be passing it up! That would make me feel like there was something wrong with me. I hope @lbs2012's plan works, let us know.

YellowLily2013

Sorry your going through this! (Just for a point of reference we haven't done the deed since the baby was born! I should get on that! Lol)

Guys sometimes just don't understand what we are feeling. It helps to communicate with more information. If I say I'm disappointed or it bothered me. That only registers so far with DH. If I say it bothers me and makes it feel like you value tv over me. Than that helps put it in perspective. Because he obviously doesn't but doesn't see how it makes me feel.

Also- sometimes there are other factors that are going on with him that I need him to point out.

And I definitely don't know it all. But one thing I know when I first started dating DH was that I was going to always give him the benefit of the doubt and know that no matter what he did I knew he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. And to acknowledge that my way wasn't alway right. And remember I'm not perfect either. This has given me much more patiences than I had in previous relationship.

Hopefully you can make things better!