I'm sad.

jenmom2girls

My mom and I have never really had a great relationship, but I try to keep in touch with her. We only live about five minutes away from each other, and she has only seen Winter twice and she is 13 weeks old. She came to Rainys birthday party, but ignored her the whole time to play with DDs cousins, and wouldn't even get up and sing happy birthday to her with the rest of the family. Oh, and she said that I'm not a very good mother. She told me to go through the birthday pictures, and said it didn't look like a happy little girls 3rd birthday:( I don't know what she means by that. I did go through the pics and Rainy does look happy to me. She had a princess party just like she wanted, had on her Tangled dress as she calls, and lots of pictures with her smiling with other family members.
I don't understand why things are like this. I have asked her multiple times why she doesn't treat my dds the same as the rest of the grand kids, and she said that she has a special bond with all the other kids, but not with mine. She also said that I don't allow her to be a grandmother to my kids. Since when do grandmas need permission to be a part of their grand babies lives?
Anyways, I drove over to my moms place this weekend and a neighbor told me she had moved. Why wouldn't my own mom not tell me she was moving?? All 3 of my sisters said they knew about it, but not one of them called me either. I just don't get it. What have I done that is so wrong that my own mom wouldn't tell me she is moving:( I am just so tired of finding out on fb about family get togethers that dh and I weren't invited too. It's so hurtful to see pics of dds cousins all together and my girls are left out.
I'm not sure what I am looking for here. You would think having 3 sisters I would have someone to talk to but I don't. I am the oldest of 4 daughters, and she had me at 17. She makes me wonder if I ruined her life, and maybe that's why she treats me this way. Like I said I am not sure what I am looking for. I just needed to get this out. 

jenmom2girls

BostonKisses2 said:

 I'm sorry.  That's really shitty that she's treating you that way.  TBH, if things are that strained and she's just going to keep hurting you, it sounds like you might be better off without her.  Is your DH on good terms with his family?  Could you put your efforts into relationships on his side, and in relationships with your friends instead?

DHs family are great people. I have been a part of his family since I was 14, so they are always around, and Rainy has a great relationship with all of them. I just keep thinking she is my mom! She should want to see the girls. Maybe you are right and I would be better off, but I just keep going back for more hurtful things to happen.

ASmallWonder

I'm really sorry you're going through this.  I have major mother issues myself and though they're different from yours, I struggle with the same questions.  Have you sought out therapy?  I did and learned that *I* did not do this.  My mother is not this way because of something I did or did not do and that means I am powerless to change or fix it.  You need to understand that.  Something is broken in your mother and it's not something you can fix.  It's a hard and very sad realization but it does help to really acknowledge your role in all of the issues.  I had to distance myself from my mother in a very severe way because I couldn't accept her as she was and she was not able to be something she wasn't.

SoDoMojo

Hugs. That sounds awful. I'm so sorry she's treating you like that.

I agree with Hilarity. I'd stop trying. My relationship with my mom sucked a lot of tears out of me over the years. I decided to ignore her. If she can't be there then I'm not gonna be there.

More hugs!

LadyXaverian

I am so sorry. It sounds like you've made every effort. I think you should stop making those efforts for now.

I just skimmed through the other responses, so I might be repeating this advice, but maybe you could talk to some kind of counselor to get help letting go of those expectations/hopes you have for your mother/daughter relationship.

Again, I'm so sorry.

wiggyslilsis

I'm sorry. That sounds awful. I would distance myself from all of them because your sisters are helping her isolate you by going along with her antics. I would be scared that my kids would notice her resting you and them differently and I would rather not have contact then expose them to that. This isn't fair at all and I am sorry you have to deal with it.

jenmom2girls

HilarityEnsued said:

Wow... that is really shitty behavior and frankly, to me, borders on emotional abuse.  Have you asked your sisters what is going on?  If no one can give you an answer or makes any attempt at a change,  I would start distancing myself.  Who has the time (or need) for that?

Your mom's behavior is appalling.

My sisters say it's all my fault. They say that they don't want to talk to me because I can't relate to their lives. When I ask them what they mean by that they say I have everything while they have nothing. They say its not fair that I met my DH in highschool and never had to work to keep a man. How dumb is that? I tell them any one who says that they have been in a relationship for 14 years and never "worked" on it is full of shit. That is all they can give me really. They act like when something truly bad happens to me and my family then they can relate to me, and will start talking to me again. I know this sounds messed up, but that is seriously how they think. I thought you were supposed to want better for your children, but I think she would get along with me better if something like dh and I got a divorce.

ASmallWonder

MrsLafferty25 said:

HilarityEnsued said:

Wow... that is really shitty behavior and frankly, to me, borders on emotional abuse.  Have you asked your sisters what is going on?  If no one can give you an answer or makes any attempt at a change,  I would start distancing myself.  Who has the time (or need) for that?

Your mom's behavior is appalling.

My sisters say it's all my fault. They say that they don't want to talk to me because I can't relate to their lives. When I ask them what they mean by that they say I have everything while they have nothing. They say its not fair that I met my DH in highschool and never had to work to keep a man. How dumb is that? I tell them any one who says that they have been in a relationship for 14 years and never "worked" on it is full of shit. That is all they can give me really. They act like when something truly bad happens to me and my family then they can relate to me, and will start talking to me again. I know this sounds messed up, but that is seriously how they think. I thought you were supposed to want better for your children, but I think she would get along with me better if something like dh and I got a divorce.

Oh MrsL, I can relate more than you know.  PM me if you want to chat.

jenmom2girls

elmoali said:

MrsLafferty25 said:

HilarityEnsued said:

Wow... that is really shitty behavior and frankly, to me, borders on emotional abuse.  Have you asked your sisters what is going on?  If no one can give you an answer or makes any attempt at a change,  I would start distancing myself.  Who has the time (or need) for that?

Your mom's behavior is appalling.

My sisters say it's all my fault. They say that they don't want to talk to me because I can't relate to their lives. When I ask them what they mean by that they say I have everything while they have nothing. They say its not fair that I met my DH in highschool and never had to work to keep a man. How dumb is that? I tell them any one who says that they have been in a relationship for 14 years and never "worked" on it is full of shit. That is all they can give me really. They act like when something truly bad happens to me and my family then they can relate to me, and will start talking to me again. I know this sounds messed up, but that is seriously how they think. I thought you were supposed to want better for your children, but I think she would get along with me better if something like dh and I got a divorce.

Oh MrsL, I can relate more than you know.  PM me if you want to chat.

Thanks elmoali. It sucks that you have been dealing with the same stuff, but I am kind of glad I'm not alone here.

MsLs

I'm sorry! I know it's frustrating! My mom and I too have issues, my mother is not vindictive like yours but since my mom met her current BF she has not be around. I can count the times she has seen DS on my hands and she lives 20 min from us. While my IL's live 3 hrs away and they're up here about every over week. It's hard but DH has been really great and the only advice I have is what others said and you have to let go- you can't make someone want to be around you. Going forward with DS when he's old enough to understand we're just going to emphasize everyone in his life that loves him and wants to spend time with him

jenmom2girls

wiggyslilsis said:

I'm sorry. That sounds awful. I would distance myself from all of them because your sisters are helping her isolate you by going along with her antics. I would be scared that my kids would notice her resting you and them differently and I would rather not have contact then expose them to that. This isn't fair at all and I am sorry you have to deal with it.

I worry about this a lot. She doesn't try to hide her favoritism at all. I feel so bad for DD. Dh and I both have small families and his mom died 9 years ago, so my mom is here only grandmother. My dad is an addict so he isn't around, so dhs dad is her only grandfather. It just really sucks.

jenmom2girls

HilarityEnsued said:

That is so fucked up! What the fuck is wrong with your sisters?  What kind of fucking people cannot be happy for their own siblings because they haven't suffered through life?  I mean, I know what kind of people, because my aunt treats my mom the same way.

Distance yourself from them.  I know I'm saying this like this is just as simple as changing your shoes, and it's totally not.  I just see what it has done, and continues to do, to my mother.  Her mom and her sisters are absolutely terrible people, and my mom (who is well into her 50s) just keeps trying and trying and it is a source of constant heartache for her.  It's not worth it. 

I know! I just don't get it:(
I just want to say thank you to all of you ladies. This isn't the first time I have came to Parenting for advice or just to vent about parenting stuff, and y'all have always been so good to me, and I can't tell you how much that helps:)

ASmallWonder

HilarityEnsued said:

MrsLafferty25 said:

wiggyslilsis said:

I'm sorry. That sounds awful. I would distance myself from all of them because your sisters are helping her isolate you by going along with her antics. I would be scared that my kids would notice her resting you and them differently and I would rather not have contact then expose them to that. This isn't fair at all and I am sorry you have to deal with it.

I worry about this a lot. She doesn't try to hide her favoritism at all. I feel so bad for DD. Dh and I both have small families and his mom died 9 years ago, so my mom is here only grandmother. My dad is an addict so he isn't around, so dhs dad is her only grandfather. It just really sucks.

Your DDs will have plenty of people to love them and make them feel loved.  We have tons of issues with my grandmother and it has really just driven home the point that there is no reason to have a grandparent in your life if they are doing anything beside making you feel 100% loved. 

My family has all kinds of complicated and fucked up dynamics.  I got a jump start on the bullshit when my parent's got divorced when I was 9 years old and my dad proceeded to basically be a deadbeat for the next 15 years.  Now that I have a kid, I've become very solid in my feelings that I don't have to have someone in my life simply because they are family, and you either exist in my world in a way that works for me and my family, or you are not in my world.  It took me 20 years to arrive at that conclusion, but it's made a lot of things much easier.

I wish I could love tit this a million times.  People don't deserve to be in your life merely because you were unlucky enough to be born into the same family.

virgin4lyfe

I'm so sorry MrsL
I have a similar situation in my dad's family where my aunt had her first daughter at 17 and treats her like shit and the two daughters she had later in life are perfect and wonderful and don't screw up like she does (which is false, but how their mom thinks).
It's not right. It's never been right. Unfortunately some people are a-holes and we can't control what they say do or think.
I agree with trying to get away from the toxicity though.

lildevil968

My dad had the same relationship with his mother, that you do with yours. My dads mom had 10 Grandkids, and she treated the 4 of us like dirt. As we got older, we could tell that we where treated alot differently than our cousins, and that really hurt us. She even went as far as to tell us that she never loved us because my mother is full blood Indian. After that, my dad cut off all contact her, and we where better off because of it.

My advice to you is to do what PP's have said, and cut her off.

MelissaRae1525

I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said, I just wanted to give you some creepy Internet hugs

jenmom2girls

Thanks everyone. I know y'all are right, and I need to let go. I don't think it will ever change. It's just going to be hard, and will take some time. I think I have taken enough emotional beatings from them though.

nancy30005

@MrsLafferty25

YGPM

Nita2603

The way she treats you is unacceptable and actually saying she doesn't have a special bond with your kids? Wow. Shitty.

It is sad, but I think it is time for you to break ties. It may hurt initially, but it will safe you heartbreak in the future.

My grandmother is like that. She has always been shitty to me and favored my cousins. I stopped talking to her on my 25th birthday, and the last 7 years were much less stressful.

klondikebar

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I love my mother, but I don't like her. Some things she does still irritate me, but I'm beyond letting her deeply upset and hurt me. I hope you can put some distance in your relationship with her and realize that this is who she is. You didn't cause it and she isn't going to change. I understand and it's not quick or easy, but you will be better off in the long run. I hope none of that came across as harsh.  (((hugs)))

jenmom2girls

KlondikeBar said:

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I love my mother, but I don't like her. Some things she does still irritate me, but I'm beyond letting her deeply upset and hurt me. I hope you can put some distance in your relationship with her and realize that this is who she is. You didn't cause it and she isn't going to change. I understand and it's not quick or easy, but you will be better off in the long run. I hope none of that came across as harsh.  (((hugs)))

It didn't come off as harsh at all. I know that all of you are right and I need to end this. I just keep asking myself how did I ruin her life? It's not my fault she got pregnant as a teen. I don't think I was a bad kid, I mean, as a teen of course I got into some trouble, but as a parent shouldn't you know that this is going to happen?
I don't understand how she can hate the fact that I married my best friend.Oh! and she was mad that I got pregnant with DD2. When I told her all she said was "thats just more money I have to spend on Christmas."  She actually told me while I was in high school that I should get pregnant by him so he wouldn't leave me. Who tells their 17 year old that kind of shit??

jenmom2girls

cmeon_the_water said:

I am very sorry. I was the 'oops' that resulted in my mother's far from eager marriage to my then alcoholic and abusive father. She took it out on me in so many ways over the years, I swear that she was always the happiest when she was making me suffer.

And while I'm able to "get it" as an adult who has that part of the story, I will never, ever understand how a parent could treat their child that way. She's had a lot of happy years- my dad stopped drinking before I hit my teens, and he became a much more tolerable man. She still enjoys getting her snide remarks in when she has a chance- I'm old enough and "done" enough that they rarely get a rise out of me. She clearly favors my niece and nephew, and makes no effort to conceal it- but, at the same time, I truly have NOT been open to her having a strong relationship with the kids. I won't let her hurt them or take out her issues with me on them.

Besides, being married to an amazing husband who is a loving and involved father to our kids? Best "revenge" ever. There's a part of her that really thinks I robbed her of that, so she definitely doesn't think I deserve it. :-p

Omg! Your story sounds just like mine. Alcoholic drug addict father and everything, and this last part I seriously feel like she is the maddest about. I guess at 29 she thinks I should be divorced for the 3rd time like she was.

littlestjerry

That's awful, I'm so sorry. You don't need people like that in your life. I can't believe you have to deal with that shit. I'm mad and sad for you.

klondikebar

MrsLafferty25 said:

KlondikeBar said:

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I love my mother, but I don't like her. Some things she does still irritate me, but I'm beyond letting her deeply upset and hurt me. I hope you can put some distance in your relationship with her and realize that this is who she is. You didn't cause it and she isn't going to change. I understand and it's not quick or easy, but you will be better off in the long run. I hope none of that came across as harsh.  (((hugs)))

It didn't come off as harsh at all. I know that all of you are right and I need to end this. I just keep asking myself how did I ruin her life? It's not my fault she got pregnant as a teen. I don't think I was a bad kid, I mean, as a teen of course I got into some trouble, but as a parent shouldn't you know that this is going to happen?
I don't understand how she can hate the fact that I married my best friend.Oh! and she was mad that I got pregnant with DD2. When I told her all she said was "thats just more money I have to spend on Christmas."  She actually told me while I was in high school that I should get pregnant by him so he wouldn't leave me. Who tells their 17 year old that kind of shit??

I don't understand the reason behind most of the shit that comes out of my mother's mouth. I feel sad for my mom almost. She thinks she is the Godfather of our extended family. Nobody actually likes her. They are just afraid of upsetting her or making her mad.

I take comfort in the fact that I am nothing like her. I have my flaws, but I will never play mind games with my children.

I really hope you can get to a similar place over time. You don't have to like the person she is and her opinions don't have to matter.