very new, but drowning...

jservadio · September 2013

First off, we have 2 beautiful babies that are 17 months apart exactly. My husband and I both feel that we don't get any "me time." I'm still on maternity leave until November, and HOLY MOSES two babies are tough! First of all, our oldest is such a rock star kid, she amazes us everyday. She is smart and patient and self sufficient, and only 17 months old! Our little guy cries anytime he's not held, and is up all night, and sleeps all day. I personally feel that I can't take a shower alone, or brush my teeth without a meltdown from the oldest and crying and crying from the youngest. My husband is a wonderful man and father and husband. He works very hard for his family, but requests (and receives) walks after work to decompress, and time in his office or in front of his laptop after dinner until I go to bed at least. Since our son has been born, I have had one night out (for our anniversary). It gets easier, right? I originally wanted to stay home after #2 was born, but these three weeks have really drained me. I can't wait to get back to work and have conversation and say more than, "what book do you want to read? what do you want for lunch? did you poop?" Am I asking for to much to have the expectation that my husband should give me an hour at night kid free???

Arielle27 · September 2013

We had a similar situation - amazing, smart, independent first child and when he was 16 mo old, our daughter was born. She slept all day, was awake all night and needed to be held - by me - all the time!!

I'll admit it took about three months before I thought, wow, I'm glad I did this! And I really second guessed myself a lot in that time!! I also ran back to work as quickly as I could... Only to regret it and quit my job after 5 months! I was lucky enough, however, to find a great daycare for both children when our little one was 11 months old and go to work part time from home so I could have the best of both worlds!

We are now expecting our third - 3u3 in fact - because we ended up being so happy with having the first two so close together!! It really worked out for us after those first few tough months!!

Good luck! I promise your you'll enjoy and reap the benefits of your decision soon enough!

ebp913 · September 2013

This sounds like me a few months ago! It will get easier but you need to carve out some time for you. Do your kids do well on walks? I walk most everyday with my 2 and it's a life saver. We walk 30-45 mins and they are quiet and really good. It gives me a chance to call a friend and catch up or just walk and relax a bit. It was a really nice way for me to break up the day while I was on leave and now I still do it most days after work.

I would talk to your husband and tell him what you just said - that you need some time to chill out. Try for some time after the kids go to bed or give him both kids for an hour and go do something for yourself. He probably doesn't realize how draining it is with 2!

monkeybutt61612 · September 2013

It doesn't seem fair to me that your husband gets time to decompress and you don't. Start requesting and receiving time too!

jesselayne8 · September 2013

Mine are 17 months apart. I got them to take one nap together everyday starting around 5wks and it was a lifesaver. I will also say that around 10wks we found our grove and I felt like I could breathe again. That being said we still have hard days like today when I want to get rid of my friggin dog who is just adding more to the chaos.

EMOmamma · September 2013

It does get better but it might not be for a long time. For me really the whole first year was a challenge. Even now it's still a lot of work (especially since they can, and do, literally run in opposite directions)

There were plenty of days I wished I only had 1 kid (or even no kids) and was straight up jealous of how easy other people's lives were. I did realize mine was bordering on depression and did start Zoloft and I think it has helped. If you continue to feel extremely overwhelmed don't wait to talk to your dr.

But back to your question - it is not too much to expect some free time. H and I made a deal that we each get 1 night off per week. We can use this night to go to a class, the gym, out with a friend, etc. Obviously it's not set in stone and we have to be flexible about it but so far it has worked for us. If your H hasn't had an extended period of alone time with the 2 kids he doesn't understand.

lkm2006 · September 2013

Mine are also 17 months apart and I stay at home with them so I definitely understand where you are coming from.

1) I would look into a sling if you haven't already. DS2 was (is) a great baby but he hated to be put down. It was a mad dash to fix DS1's lunch, cook dinner, or just get anything done. The k'tan saved my sanity on some of our really bad days.

2) I would absolutely make sure you get some time to yourself EACH day, especially if you decide to stay home. I love my kids more than life itself but I NEED a tiny bit of time to myself. To hear myself think and just regroup. Every other night DH takes the kids outside or upstairs and I get to work out for 30 minutes. Since your newborn is so young, you won't be working out right now but what about taking a hot shower/bath. It's amazing how much better you can feel after that.

3). For me, it really didn't start getting better until 5ish months to now. DS2 loves his exercisaucer so I get plenty of time to do things throughout the day. He can sit up unassisted now which is also a big step, it just makes functioning easier. I think the hardest thing now is me and DH still don't have any me time. We are forcing DS1 in bed around 9:30 at night and at that point I'm exhausted so I go to sleep too. We don't really have anyone to watch the kids so there's no date nights out, which sucks. Big time. But the big thing is to keep going on with life. We still go out to eat, as a family, at least once a week. And I get out during the week with the boys. It helps to see the outside world sometimes.

Good luck!

shj5u · September 2013

It's hard in the beginning; it really is. It gets a so, so much easier, but seriously...Here's the tough love: lower your expectations.

If it's only been 3 weeks, then you need to give it A LOT more time before you feel like you have a handle on it. You may feel like a smelly crazy person, and that is ok for right now. There may be crying, and it might occasionally be coming from you.

Showering and time for yourself will be at a premium for a bit, but everyone will survive. Surviving is really the key word. You are in the thick of it--you're in survival mode. I'm hopeful that your DH is also in the thick of it with you--seems like if you can't manage a moment to pee alone, then maybe DH doesn't get so much time for decompressing? This has to be a family effort. I'm going to venture a guess that if you felt like the workload was close to equal, you'd be feeling better.

As for your newest LO... I know things got tricky for us right around 3 weeks. I hear that's when they really become aware and uncomfortable with their own digestive processes. For DS2, it was really rough bc we determined later that he had a dairy sensitivity. He also cried and needed to be held all the time. Until we figured out the culprit (or at least part of it), I invested in a good baby carrier. That way, I was hands free for DS1, and DS2 got all the snuggles he could ask (or cry incessantly) for.

In closing, please don't judge whether or not you want to be a SAHM based on these 3 weeks. I'll bet none of us here felt like we had it together 3 weeks in. It's nuts right now, but it won't always be. It'll always be busier, but you get used to it and everyone gets older. It'll be ok.

Say it with me: "This, too, shall pass."

RyanandManda · September 2013

I don't have a ton more to contribute but I wanted to tell you that it really does get easier : )

On a side note though, when my hubby needs to decompress, he doesn't come in the door right away when he gets home. If he walks in the door and then goes to chill or whatever, I'm going to be mad about it. If, instead, he takes a little longer than usual to get home... that's fine, it's just the way it is some days.

You need a few minutes to yourself and you'll get them but not right away. A sling or wrap can help (both my girls demanded to be carried pretty much all the time till they were 8 months old) a lot and walking with them in a double stroller would be good too. Then, pretty soon, you'll be able to get them napping at the same time and then you'll be able to shower which will be awesome.

I would tell hubby what's going on though and explain that, just like he needs to decompress after a long day, so do you! Sometimes I ask mine to take DD1 on a walk or to starbucks while DD2 is napping : ) You'll figure it out if you communicate your needs to him and be really honest with yourself about what you need.

laura1 · September 2013

I definitely agree with investing in a baby carrier - my DD#1 lived in a baby bjorn (I know, not popular on here, but it is what I had, and I was so overwhelmed I didn't have time to find a new carrier). She was happy being held, DS was happy since I could get him what he wanted (meals, take him to the playground, etc) and I was happy since no one was yelling.

I also agree with getting out of the house - that totally saved my sanity. Whether it was a ride int he car to get mommy a coffee at the drive through, or a walk in the stroller to look at the fire trucks, go to the playground, or whatever. Staying at home would have driven me (and DS) totally crazy.

Finally, your DH needs to help out a bit more. I told my DH his decompressing time is his commute. Mine is when he gets home. If he needs to leave the house, have him do errands - to the super market, dry cleaner, etc. With 2u2, alone time is precious - he shouldn't get all of it!