Hubby's Fear of Baby

courta77

I've had BOTB for a year or so.  My husband wants to wait a few more years.  Our 3rd anniversary is in 3 weeks.  Tonight, while watching an episode of Private Practice, he randomly asked me if he will get to hold our (hypothetical) baby before me.  After explaining that he would if I had to have a C section, and he could potentially hold him or her before me in any situation, I asked him if he wanted to hold it first.  He answered that he did.  When I asked why, he said because he wanted a chance to hold the baby before I got it because once it was me and the baby, he would be old news and I wouldn't care about him anymore.  I immediately attempted to convince him that I would not just 'forget' about him, but he was adamant that I will.  He knows how much I love children (I'm a preschool teacher and have several siblings), and he knows how much I want my own children.  My question is how do I help him understand that, yes, my baby will be very important, but it will not be just me and the baby - it will be all of us together?  How do I show him that he won't be nonexistent to me?  Thanks!

JJBish

My husband is the same way, and I'm a teacher too, so I feel for ya. I think just being supportive is key. You can't really show him something that's not there yet. He'll know it when the baby's there. Sorry I'm not a lot of help, but I think it's one of those "time will tell" scenarios. GL!! :-) 

amberhoothoot

I didn't experience this with my DH, but I know it's pretty common.

I guess the thing I noticed is he is missing the fact that it will be his baby too. He envisions holding the baby once and then it's you and the baby from there on out.

Maybe you could subtley tell him that you envision him being such a good dad. That you'll find it attractive to see him rocking the baby, or feeding the baby. Help him make the connection that him being a daddy is a role that you are excited to see him in. If he is scared of what life will be like once the baby comes (and he sees himself being left out), maybe help him picture how great his life is gonna be as a dad. He'll get to pick out funny onsies, and you'll look at him like he's a god when you're tired and one day he volunteers for poop duty.

Honestly, once we were parents our bond became 10 times stronger than it was before. We appreciate every date night we get and we are much more affectionate now than before. Seeing your husband being a great dad is totally sexy. I would say our best sex started about 2 months after DS was born because we were so connected and happy. (Sorry if TMI)

Hope some of that gobbly-gook helps.

LilacStar11

Maybe you should try to explain to him how important he will be to the equation.  You will need lots of rest and recovery and he will have to take on the responsibilities so you can get those things.  As the baby grows, it will bond with each of you in separate ways which in turn will make all of you a closer family.  Like amber said, it is amazing how close a baby will bring you and DH.

tbmadeamistake

I would also remind him that the helpless baby stage, where you will be needed by the baby a lot, only lasts so long.  DH loooooves that at 15 months, our DD is fun and interactive and he actually gets to play with her. To the point where sometimes I feel excluded, instead of the other way around.  Babies aren't lumps forever! 

SmileyJay

haha some of these answers crack me up. He is not a child, it is not your responsibility to reassure an adult man that you will still love him after the baby gets here. This is crazy town.

Sounds like his major concern is things will change between you. And it will... in some good ways, in some bad. You won't have as much alone time, but the alone time you have will be cherished. The bond between mother and baby is strong but the father is just as important. If you are breastfeeding, you can offer to pump so he can also feed the baby. Since you both work he will be equally responsible for duties. 

The idea that he should hold the baby first before you touch it and everything changes is loaded with immaturity and irrational thoughts. He needs to sort some of this out on his own before he will be ready to have a baby. You should also start brainstorming for how you will manage him probably feeling neglected if you ever have kids.

kcisthebombdotcom

TheCraftyKoala said:

haha some of these answers crack me up. He is not a child, it is not your responsibility to reassure an adult man that you will still love him after the baby gets here. This is crazy town.

Sounds like his major concern is things will change between you. And it will... in some good ways, in some bad. You won't have as much alone time, but the alone time you have will be cherished. The bond between mother and baby is strong but the father is just as important. If you are breastfeeding, you can offer to pump so he can also feed the baby. Since you both work he will be equally responsible for duties. 

The idea that he should hold the baby first before you touch it and everything changes is loaded with immaturity and irrational thoughts. He needs to sort some of this out on his own before he will be ready to have a baby. You should also start brainstorming for how you will manage him probably feeling neglected if you ever have kids.

It's absolutely not irrational and it is challenging to manage both relationships. My dh felt left out as a new dad. The baby was very attached to me considering he lived inside of me for nine months and I was the food source. Meeting the baby's needs was exhausting and left little time for dh. Dh felt very left out of the equation for quite some time and changing diapers/holding the baby didn't help. It's normal to be selfish at times and change is hard since people fear the unknown. The good thing as everyone else mentioned is it gets better with time.

MMason12

There is a great book that DH and I read together. It's called "Baby Proofing Your Marriage". It has both the female and male sides on everything from ttc, being pregnant, birthing, and the first year. We really enjoyed it. You should pick up a copy and read it together. 

courta77

Thanks for all the tips ladies!!!