When are you too old to have a baby?

needtonurture

Hi! I am new here. I didn't know exactly where to post this, so I just chose a message board and hope it finds the right people.

Alright, here goes.

My biggest, BIGGEST fear is not that I won't meet my soulmate and fall in love. My biggest fear is...what if by the time I DO FIND this person, I'm too old to have children? Right now, I am only 27. I know that, to me, it seems pretty young. However, I'm from a small, southern town and each time someone asks if I have children, and I respond with "no," they act as if I just set the world on fire. I've had many of them tell me "girl, you better get started, you'll be too old before too long." Which, this naturally makes me want to cry endless tears of sorrow. I desperately want children...DESPERATELY. Like, more than anything. I've had baby fever since I was 16 or 17. I graduated college at 22, and at that time is when I met my very first, and ONLY boyfriend. I didn't lose my virginity to him until I was 24. And we just broke up this past January, which leaves me here...alone...at 27. I had my chance to marry him, twice, but I always felt way too young, so I declined both times, because it just didn't seem logical...I didn't want to get married just because it felt like everyone else was doing it, because as badly as I want children and want a family, I DON'T want my children to be born into an unhappy marriage if I can help it. I don't date for the sake of dating. That's just not my thing, and it never will be. But, because of my endless need to MOTHER things...I've ended up with so many animals just so I'll have something that NEEDS me. (All of the animals were fostered, don't worry) but I ended up with a dog I decided to keep, and I've had him for 2 years. He's filled my void nicely, but now that I'm single, and just recently lost my job and had to move back in with my parents (ugh, I know), I feel like I'm starting at the bottom all over again. I don't mean to sound pathetic (though I know that's how I'm coming off), but I'm literally starting to have anxiety attacks because I get SO STRESSED OUT thinking about...what if I'm 30 before I meet someone, don't get married until I'm 33 or 34, then what if I have a hard time getting pregnant and it takes a few years, and by the time it finally comes, I'm too old and can't carry it to term? Am I the only one who thinks like this? Am I COMPLETELY crazy (yes)? I'm constantly hearing that the older you get, the harder it is to become pregnant. So, I feel like that just adds to my stress. Normally, I'd feel fine saying "I'll just adopt," because I'd LOVE to adopt...but, as many student loans as I have, and my terrible, terrible credit score, I have a feeling I'll never be financially approved for an adoption even if I'm married. So, I don't know what I'm looking for from anyone here...I don't know if there's anything anyone can or can't say, but I'd love to hear whatever it may be. I guess, either confirming my biggest fear...or giving me some kind of hope by sharing your own stories. I'd really appreciate anything.

Thanks!

FemShep

I had DD1 at 32 and DD2 at 39. I personally know at least 10 women who've had kids in their 40s. You have plenty of time, wait until you find the right person, have financial stability, and aren't trying to fill a void in your life. Good luck!

Mysterious_wife

My cousin was 42 when she had her first. It is a personal choice.

PunkyBooster

Ditto. Personal. My fiend had her first at 41 because she didn't meet the right man til 39. Her ds is very healthy and vibrant.

She's chosen not to have another due to age (44) and I'd have to say that would be my limit.

Though I'd like to be done by 40. At this rate ill have #2 at 36 and #3 at 37 or 38. NBD, IMO

Twinkie0612

I honestly don't have an age that I think is too old to have a baby, it's a personal choice.  Obviously at some point nature shuts the door to having a biological child, but even that can be overcome by fertility treatments.

My recommendation is to focus on getting your life together.  Work on finding a job and getting your financial situation straightened out.  

I'm almost 31 and still TTC #1.  My doctor is not concerned about my age at all.

anssett

needtonurture said:

I had my chance to marry him, twice, but I always felt way too young, so I declined both times, because it just didn't seem logical...I didn't want to get married just because it felt like everyone else was doing it, because as badly as I want children and want a family, 

I think you're doing a lot of things really smartly. You're aware that you want kids but you aren't rushing into a marriage JUST to get pregnant. That's smart! It's harder than making a few mistakes and compromises, but hopefully will pay off for you. I have a divorce 'under my belt' because I made that mistake. 

I was also afraid of this, especially leaving that first marriage, but I decided if I didn't find the right guy to have babies with I could adopt or have one on my own. That 'out' allayed my fears and let me focus on doing the right stuff for my career and personal growth. I did end up meeting a great guy around 30/31. We're married now and starting to TTC in a couple months. If I'd been freaking out to put all that in place I might have been too neurotic to get it!

Good luck! Stay sane.

needtonurture

Thanks so much for all the replies, ladies! It sets my heart at ease a little!

BeckyP005

It's a very personal decision. I never planned on getting a divorce and then marrying again when I was 41. I never ever thought I would be this old trying for a baby (45). I am using donor eggs.

It all depends on each person's health and outlook on life. I don't want to look back on life and regret I didn't try just one time for my dream to be a mom. Do I think I'm crazy at times? YES...I'm a nervous wreck about all of this. I know it will be harder. Different days I have different answers

amberhoothoot

I think you have plenty of time.

Sorry if too personal, but have you spoken to anyone (therapist) about why you feel you have a void? And why it can only be filled by mothering/being needed? One great thing about being single is that you have plenty of time to work on making yourself happier at a time when you don't have to worry about anyone else. And you can prepare for the life you want now by working on the financial/emotional stuff so it doesn't get in the way when Mr Right comes along.

ArgyleBride

[Disclaimer: I haven't read the other responses yet.] 

I definitely get where you are coming from.  You are not crazy, and you're not judging others' life choices, you're thinking about your own.  I felt exactly the same way.

Here is my advice--well, it's what I did, anyway.  Make an alternative life plan.  What you will do if there is no Mr. Right.  Because there are things you can't control, like Mr. Right, and things that you can, like having kids (barring IF).  Like you, I was not sure I'd meet Mr. Right, but I was sure that no matter what, I wanted a family.  So I set an age for myself at which I would go ahead and have children even with no marriage.  Planned out whether that age would change if I was in a promising relationship, and if so by exactly how much.  The age you pick might be 30, 35, 37, whatever--it just calmed me to have a plan and to know that there are some parts of my life that I can have control over, if I exerted it.  Good luck!

AngelSong1976

You don't have anything to worry about at 27!  Although I totally understand where you are coming from and even had the same concerns at 27.  Our first is almost a year old right now and I was 35 when I had him (almost 36.)  We are trying for #2 now.  There are some who will tell you that over 35 is Advanced Maternal Age and comes with higher risks.  I talked with my doctor about this and he had no concerns.  And then another doctor when I moved to another town and she had no concerns.  Be happy with yourself first.  The rest will come.