Tough Decisions.... ( Long! I'm sorry!! )

cmdcjc

Good Morning Ladies- I never thought I'd find a MB like this where I could vent but it feels great to find it!

I was with my  BD for 9 years.  We started dating in 2000 and had my DD in 04 and my DS in 06. We decided to get married in 08, a whopping 4 months later- coming home to a screaming match between him and my then 3 1/2 year old DD over spilled milk ( literally! ) I'd had enough!  Filed for divorice and March 09 it was finalized!!

I met my SO in May of 09 and our relationship didn't really get serious until about a year later.  We dated exclusively from 09 but the idea of becoming a family didn't set in for him or I until some time later.  It was nearly 6  months into our relationship before he met my children who, at that time, had a great relationship with their dad and even my BD and I had a great relationship as ex's who could amicably do things together for the children. That ended abruptly in December of 09.  He met someone, she was 21 at the time ( He was 28 ) who had a 2 year old of her own.  This was the turning point in our relationship and his relationship with his children.  He stopped paying his child support on time and even stopped taking the kids as often as he was court ordered too. The girlfriend put a serious strain on my relationship with my DD and filled her head with all sorts of things about how I don't care about her and how she was better off living with them, they would give her everything she wanted.  It was a big struggle for my DD and I but as time went on, I kept on my path with them and they saw him and her for that matter, for what they truly were.  Trash.  

Fast forward to now- He has been in and out of work over the past almost 5 years and just this past year has held down any long term job so that the state could garnish his wages to pay his back child support ( almost 7k ).  He has not seen the children since October of 2012.  The children kept saying they didn't want to see him and after getting a GAL ( guardian ad litem ) assigned to the case - which he disputed- and putting the kids through therapy- we are continually ordered that he can't see the kids. 

My question-

I was supposed to have court yesterday and he postponed it ( AGAIN! ) until October.  By then- it will have been 1 year since he has seen the kids and nothing has changed.  They don't care to see him- My daughter has told me that he doesnt exist to her and seeing him makes her hurt and my son is just avoiding the whole 'dad' subject as best he can. 

What do I do? How do I consciously send them back if it's court ordered he gets to see them again?  Their GAL said she will come out and talk to them again prior to court but if we can't come to an agreement- we leave it up to the judge.  What do I do?

My SO and I are in the process of buying a house together, TTC a baby and are giving these kids the best life they can.  They adore my SO and love him and consider HIM their dad. And he sees himself as their dad so bad that it hurts think the ex could waltz right in and take over where he left off.... Help!

fellesferie

Why are you going to court? Is your XH trying to get time with the kids? XH is the one who postponed the court date?

A GAL and a therapist have ordered you not to have the kids see him? 

Aside from his gf's attempt to alienate them from you, I don't see anything in your post that makes it obvious why they would not give your XH any parenting time. 

But I don't see anything in your posts that suggests you should go against professional advice to not have the kids see your ex. So I think you should just keep doing what you've been doing unless and until you get told to do something different. 

cmdcjc

He fought me about the guardian ad litem.  The kids came home from their dads saying he yelled and screamed at them, raised his hand to them, force fed them, they used to come home covered in flea bites and smelling of cat urine. A year ago DCF was involved over his 'then girlfriend' calling the cops and stating that he hit my son repeatedly. Nothing ever came of it. My son had no bruising, visitation was ceased for 4 months and then it went back to normal.

The kids don't want to go. They are 9 and 7 and in the eyes of the court are not old enough to speak for themselves, hence the GAL. 

He is currently living in the basement of a friends house because he has no where else to go.  He has a suspended license and his vehicle is unregistered and uninsured. 

He is currently on probation for credit card fraud, workers comp fraud and for claiming unemployment when he didn't have the benefits.

The court has ordered cease of visitation for the kids to go to therapy.  The therapist has recently released them from therapy stating that they are well adjusted children and that seeing their father is detrimental to them.  They have stuck by their request that they do not want to see their father. They don't acknowledge him as their father and they want him to just go away so they can be happy.

The court date was about the reinstating of visitation/ outcome of his therapy/ outcome of the kids therapy. He was court ordered to go through therapy and this is his second time postponing court. 

Not sure if that insight helps!

fellesferie

Wow! Yeah, I still don't see any reason to go against the order of the court. Keep your kiddos safe at home. 

Hopefully when you go to court in October, the judge will respect the opinions of the professionals who know the kids best. 

cmdcjc

My hopes too!!! I told the GAL that unfortunately regardless of the ruling- my kids say they don't wanna go? I'm not sending them!  They used to beg their daycare to call me to tell me they were sick so I would go and get them so he couldn't pick them up!!!

EarthandFire

What does BD want?

cmdcjc

He wants to see them... Yet doesnt call, didnt acknowledge their birthdays, christmas, easter, finishing school, first day of school. He doesnt have any contact with them.

The kids want nothing to do with him. I've encouraged seeing him to have a relationship with their dad and they want nothing to do with it.

EarthandFire

That's sad. He says one thing but his actions say another. It sounds like your instincts are dead on. I hope the courts agree for the kids sake.

dmndsr4eva

Do you live close by him?  I would think if the judge got the police report on the incident with your son that maybe you could get it reduced to a supervised visit?  It seems to me that your kids maybe would at least do a supervised visit every now and then.  I mean he is their father.  I just don't know from all you have given us so far why they just want to never see him again?  You were with him for a long time wasn't there anything good or redeeming about him?

cmdcjc

He was violent...and angry and abusive and I tolerated it cause I wanted my kids to have their father. He lives in the same town as us but they just kept coming home week after week even more despondent than the week before. 

We tried Supervised Visit, in our state it is at a local university where you pay a fee ( usually on a sliding scale ) and he refused.  They are uncomfortable around him and my daughter told her therapist that she feels nothing he does will ever make him change the person he is.

He was never very ' redeeming'- even his family ( mother included ) has washed their hands of him. Its a sad situation that I feel my children are in the middle of.  They are miserable when they are with him and he doesn't allow them to come home early or to contact me to check in or talk to me when he has them for over nights.  

I just feel like I am in a losing battle- the court making them go and the kids begging me no.  

Littlejen22

Why do you keep having kids before you and your men are ready for a commitment?

cmdcjc

Littlejen22 said:

Why do you keep having kids before you and your men are ready for a commitment?

Really? Like a piece of paper matters? Marriage isn't for everyone. My SO and I are very strong in our beliefs on marriage. It isn't for us.  Becoming parents is something he and I want to share together. We are buying a home and progressing forward with a life that we want without the constraints of a piece of paper.  

And My Men? I have 2 kids by the same man who I was with for almost 9 years. Really? I'm not one of these women who pops a kid out by a random guy every nine months.  It's been 7 years since I have entertained having another child and my SO being a great step father to my kids and having the desire for one of his own- why am I to deny him that because neither of us want to get married?

Littlejen22

Because you did not marry the first father until after having kids and that ended and now you want to do it again. Yes it is only a piece of paper but it is also a committment that usually people who are against are just not fully ready for.

Ginlyn0

Also to go along with what Jen said, if it's just a "piece of paper" than why would others who are not allowed that "piece of paper" be in such an uproar over it. There are many things marriage brings that being together however long does not.

Like if your SO dies or is put on life support or something else as tragic. You as a SO only do not get to make any decisions, it would then be his closest relative. I guess you can hope that person would let you make the decisions but they would still be the one to sign off on it. This just happened to my brother's FI of 8 years.

Marriage is a big deal especially if you have kids.

cmdcjc

I have a right to not believe in the institution of marriage. I saw it fail once, I don't wanna do it again or go through that. My relationship now- being older than I was with my SO than with my ex- is a lot more mature and is based on a great structure other than a high school girls dream.  My SO watched his mother suffer through a divorce and we both agree that its not worth the emotional hurt in the event something doesn't work out.  Its a risk we all take and one I'm not willing to take again....

Its my right, my thought and my opinion! I must be insane for thinking I have to justify my thoughts OR feelings! 

Littlejen22

You came to a public boars so it would be insane to think someone might not judge your choices that you want to have kids but do not want to deal with the possible emotion of divorce.

MrsHetzel

Littlejen22 said:

Why do you keep having kids before you and your men are ready for a commitment?

This. Exactly this.

Littlejen22

gin9874 said:

Also to go along with what Jen said, if it's just a "piece of paper" than why would others who are not allowed that "piece of paper" be in such an uproar over it. There are many things marriage brings that being together however long does not.

Like if your SO dies or is put on life support or something else as tragic. You as a SO only do not get to make any decisions, it would then be his closest relative. I guess you can hope that person would let you make the decisions but they would still be the one to sign off on it. This just happened to my brother's FI of 8 years.

Marriage is a big deal especially if you have kids.

And to further this point. "According to the Office of the General Counsel of the U.S. General Accounting Office, there are 1,138 benefits the United States government provides to legally married couples"

cmdcjc

The piece of paper and all its ' benefits'  just isn't for me and that's my right. I'm not bashing people who are married or anyone that isn't- I just don't feel the need to have it.  Thank you.

Lavender P

cmdcjc said:

I have a right to not believe in the institution of marriage. I saw it fail once, I don't wanna do it again or go through that. My relationship now- being older than I was with my SO than with my ex- is a lot more mature and is based on a great structure other than a high school girls dream.  My SO watched his mother suffer through a divorce and we both agree that its not worth the emotional hurt in the event something doesn't work out.  Its a risk we all take and one I'm not willing to take again....

Its my right, my thought and my opinion! I must be insane for thinking I have to justify my thoughts OR feelings! 

So you think there will be less emotional hurt in having to share custody of a child in a relationship that didn't work out, as opposed to getting a divorce? Your current situation is difficult because you have children, not necessarily because you got divorced. Also, just because it didn't work out once, doesn't mean the institution is flawed, it means your relationship was.