Advice Please (LONG) — The Bump
Single Parents

Advice Please (LONG)

I'm having a scheduled c section next week. I'm a high risk pregnancy. I have a heart condition. I have purchased the majority of the baby items on my own. My bf and I dated for nearly 5 years, but since I found out I am pregnant his family has been rude and malicious towards me. They skipped out on the baby shower. I've had a difficult pregnancy. Recently I decided to break things off with my bf because he has decided that he no longer sees a future with me and I won't tolerate the disrespect of him talking to other girls while I am less than a week away from having the baby. I have my own place but have decided to stay at my parents home until I can heal after the c section and return to work from maternity leave. Last night he text me Telling me I am unfair in not allowing him to take the baby for overnight trips and during the day. I plan to breastfeed and I don't believe a newborn should be out of the house. Am I being unfair? I've decided to meet with a lawyer to ensure that he won't try to take the baby especially as a newborn. I want to be fair and coparent. I include him in every Doc appt. I've invited him to visit the baby daily at my parents home. Your thoughts? Am I being unfair?

Re: Advice Please (LONG)

  • I don't think you're being unreasonable- especially if you're planning to breastfeed. Since the baby can't be away from you for more than a couple hours, the dad's participation is a little limited for a while. It's not you being mean- it's just natural that breastfeeding moms need to stay close to their newborns until they start taking bottles.

    I agree with inviting him to come over anytime and encourage him to participate in other ways. Reassure him that he can still bond with his baby and you will work out overnight visits when your LO is older. I would go ahead and consult a lawyer, just in case you guys can't work things out.

  • Do NOT let that baby out of your sight.  There is no reason for him to need to have QT without you present and certainly not overnight.  That baby is going to need a lot more of your attention than you realize and shuffling it back and forth is not a good idea being that young. Breastfeed for as long as you can!!!  He can still have visitation with your baby even if you have full custody.  Definitely figure out your parental rights with a lawyer.  Your not married, in the eyes of the court, he's just a sperm donor (are you giving the child his last name and adding him to the BC?)...well in my state at least.

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  • Definitely talk to a lawyer. I'm sure this varies by state, but here the standard custody agreement is no overnights for children under 3. (Parents can work out another arrangement between them if they want to-- I agreed to let my ex have both kids during his scheduled weekend visitation, but I didn't have to.)
  • I have set up an appt with a lawyer. I am not giving the baby his last name although he will be present at the birth and will sign the c section. I've reached my limit with everything. I have been fair and tried to make sure everything is done in the best interest of the child. I am going to breastfeed and I do not want him to have overnight trips. His family treats me awful now & Im worried that they will not treat the baby well. In my family the woman stays in the home for 6 weeks when she has a baby. I don't want the baby to bounce from house to house.
  • You are not being unreasonable, but keep in mind that you can use a breast pump and send breast milk with dad. Once little one gets here, and you are so exhausted that you can't see straight, you may be thankful that he is willing to take baby. Fearing that his family "will not treat the baby well" because they have a beef with you probably is not sufficient reason to keep the baby from them, if this goes in front of a judge. I am glad that you are consulting an attorney, because he/she will tell you exactly what to do in this situation. 

    On a lighter note, I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time with the father and his family. It sounds like you have truly had to deal with some crap, and on top of it all, having a high risk pregnancy. I am glad that you have parents who are supportive and willing to help you in this time of need. 
  • You are not being unreasonable. In reality even two hours away from you is too long for the baby. Since he will be present at the birth ask a doctor or nurse to discuss this with him so he understands. Whether he does or not, it's your baby and he is only allowed to see it when you allow him too unless he seeks legal action. That would take time obviously, so hold strong and keep your baby close.

  • Thank you as of right now he isn't sure if he will attend the birth because he feels I am being unfair and keeping the baby with me. If he does not attend the birth and sign the birth certificate he has no legal rights. I hope things work out because I do want the baby to have his father around. I wish this on no one especially when this has been such a difficult pregnancy and we nearly lost the baby. It hurts my heart but I have to be strong for the baby
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