WWYD- ILs with Boundary issues and a trip

lexusolsen

Ive posted before about how my ILs expect that we should spend every third Christmas with them visiting BILs in Nebraska. We live in CA, as do mil and FIL. We have decided that this is not something we are interested in doing right now for several reasons.

Yesterday BIL called DH and invited us out to visit the week of thanksgiving. He generously offered to pay for our flights. We would still need a rental car, but the cost would be minimal. We realize this would go a long way towards healing things since everyone is so upset that we won't do Christmas there.

The problem is my brother and his wife are expecting their first born that week. We are all very excited and plan to visit in the hospital. I have two questions.

1) Would you be offended if your sister and her family left town the week your baby was due?

2) I think we have three options. which sounds best to you?

A) Go to spend thanksgiving with ILs and hope the baby is born early or late.
Don't spend thanksgiving with ILs and stay local in case the baby is born.
C) Send DH and DD to spend thanksgiving with ILs and stay home to hang out with my family.

spring_time

Ask your brother and your SIL.  I would not have been offended, I know other people who would. My sister was planning an expensive trip with her friends around the birth of DS.  While very sweet, I thought she was crazy.  It is not like a baby changes that much in a week.  Then again, I am also not one of those people that think everyone needs to gather at the hospital during labor.  It isn't a party... it's labor.  My family was completely offended when we called after DD was born.

Rather than guess at their feelings, just ask them.

Disneygeek77

First I have to ask, what do you want to do ?  Do you want to go to Nebraska ?

littlemermaid

I personally would not be offended if my family couldn't see the baby in person until a week later. I'd expect many pictures to be sent my way though.   It'll still be a newborn when you get back.  

So I'd pick option A, go to your BIL's for Thanksgiving.

lexusolsen

Disneygeek77 said:

First I have to ask, what do you want to do ?  Do you want to go to Nebraska ?

Is Nebraska on my top ten places I want to visit again? Nope! But I am pretty adamit about spending Christmas at home (or at least Christmas morning), so I'd be willing to go because I know my DH will appreciate it. He is a peace keeper at heart and is uncomfortable with all the turmoil not going at christmas has caused. His sister and their parents have confronted him because they think we don't make their family enough of a priority.

LatteLady5

I really didn't want anybody around right after I had DD. MIL and SIL came to help but even they said next time around they'd rather wait a month or so for us to settle in.

I'd go to Nebraska, send a flowers or balloons or a gift to the hospital, and visit when you get back.

Disneygeek77

In that case, I would go to Nebraska for thanksgiving this year  to feel it out. 

Minipenguin

I didn't want a million people visiting me in the hospital. I know everyone's family is different but honestly it always seemed a little... inconsiderate (?) when there are like 30 people in the recovery room a couple hours after someone gave birth. I'd prefer to be home and settled a little bit, then have visitors. Plus, there's more space at home. My recovery room was an over-flow room because so many babies were born that night. A lot of people wouldn't have fit in there.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I wouldn't worry about them if you want to go to Nebraska and see your ILs.

joyfullyfound

littlemermaid said:

I personally would not be offended if my family couldn't see the baby in person until a week later.

This. It really wouldn't bother me that much, but I'd ask your sister and BIL how they'd feel about it. If it was me, we'd be off to Nebraska. 

lexusolsen

Turns out you ladies were right! My brother and SIL don't mind.  I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous about the idea of staying with them.  One BIL is a police officer but doesn't keep his gun in a gun safe, so I'm not comfortable staying there with DD.  Plus, in general, my ILs are very persistent.  I know this will not end the "You don't do what we want for Christmas campaign".  I just hope it isn't the only thing they talk about.  Never mind the fact that I want to be around when that baby is born.  I know that's just me being self.  This trip would mean a lot to DH.  How much of a say is normal to expect when someone else is covering the bill?  Are we at their mercy as far as when we travel?

Disneygeek77

Hmmm, well a bit at their mercy, but I also don't think it would be bad if you scheduled one or two days out of the week where you guys did what you wanted. Tell them ahead of time and invite them along if you would like.   I would also have a conversation with your DH and agree that if his family becomes rude or mean, then you leave and get a hotel especially since BIL isn't safe with his gun. 

FWIW, my ILs can be a bit like that too.  They don't pay for our flights, but they do think they can tell us where to go and what to do when we visit them and our last visit did not end well. 

lexusolsen

Disneygeek77 said:

Hmmm, well a bit at their mercy, but I also don't think it would be bad if you scheduled one or two days out of the week where you guys did what you wanted. Tell them ahead of time and invite them along if you would like.   I would also have a conversation with your DH and agree that if his family becomes rude or mean, then you leave and get a hotel especially since BIL isn't safe with his gun. 

FWIW, my ILs can be a bit like that too.  They don't pay for our flights, but they do think they can tell us where to go and what to do when we visit them and our last visit did not end well. 

They definitely don't ask for our input, but since it would be a short trip and one that they are paying for, I will do what they have planned. If we were paying for our own flights, I would have no problem with what you suggested. I meant who decides on the flights? I don't want to spend the entire week, my first break of the school year, out there. Plus, DH probably won't be able to get the whole week off.

Disneygeek77

Oh, I see.  So it will only be a few days ?  Yeah I would just put on a smile and do whatever they had planned. 

Disneygeek77

So tell me,  what is the drama with Christmas ?  They want you guys to fly out to Nebraska every year ? 

 

lexusolsen

They had a system for Christmas before DH and I started dating. They spent one Christmas with SIL family, the next in CA with his family, and the third at home in Nebraska, which my ILs and DH flew out for. DH was 16 when oldest BIL got married and they moved from Ca maybe a year or two later. When they moved DH, middle BIL and little SIL promised to move too. Other BIL and his wife moved there seven or eight years ago. SIL went to college out there and goes back and forth about moving back. We won't be moving anywhere unless one of us gets a six figure job offer... DH is a military contractor and I'm a teacher... That's not happening!

They start pressuring us when they are out here about the following year. When we first got married we couldn't afford to go and told them that. We have since realized that was a mistake and they are constantly analyzing out financial decisions to "help" us figure
Out a way to afford it. Our new answer is that it isn't something we are interested in doing right now. No explanations, arguments or advice needed. We are actually in marriage counseling as of last week to help us both set boundaries with them, since this isn't the only way they try to control us.

Disneygeek77

You know what, good for you.  I know it is hard to stand up to family especially around the holidays, but there is nothing wrong with saying " Nope, we are staying home."

I am like you.  My parents didn't go anywhere on Christmas day and I liked that growing up.  So when we had a baby, we decided to give our children the same gift, staying home ( well at least for Christmas morning we still see my parents for Christmas dinner).  My parents didn't like it at first and I know my ILs don't like it either, but this is our holiday too and we are doing what we feel is best for our family. 

I think going to Thanksgiving is a fair compromise. 

lexusolsen

We travel locally on Christmas eve and Christmas day. There are logistics we don't want to deal with (Santa). Plus we don't have a huge budget for traveling. We don't want to be stuck only traveling to Nebraska. And they chose to move out there. Which is, of course, up to them. But why does that entitle them to dictate where and when we spend our money and vacation time? If they really just want to see us, then they should be open to seeing us at other times of the year. They are very narrow minded and often only see one "right" way to do things.They don't like it when we disagree.

Disneygeek77

Again, kudos to you for holding your ground.  My ILs also think all of our vacations should be spent visiting them in CA.  They don't seem to understand there are other places we would rather go.  Strangely enough, it is my MIL and SIL who are the most vocal and give us a hard time.  His brother and Dad don't care.