Nasty texts from BM

JessH1474

Just a little background...We have SS12 EOW and alternating holidays, summers.  We live about 1.5 hours from BM.  DH filed the paperwork to have his cs modified.  BM is making way more than DH now and SS12 no longer has childcare expenses. She has hired an attorney, but there isn't much he can do for her b/c in Florida cs is very black and white.  Of course, she's pissed now b/c she knows she will be losing money each month so she's trying to make things difficult whenever she can.  DH has a CO so there isn't much room for her to control anything there.  Last night, she sent some very nasty texts saying DH was a dead bead dad and doesn't do anything for SS and just looks at him as a bill, blah, blah blah.   She is now saying that SS12 will come over for our weekends if he doesn't "have plans".  Obviously, we know she would be in contempt if she doesn't follow the court order, but it's just so freaking frustrating!!! We have NEVER had an issue with visitiation until she knows she's going to lose money, now she's going to try to be difficult.  DH did respond to the part about SS having plans and her know that he has always been flexilble if something comes up and weekends needs to be switched but it would be a switch not a forfeit of time and that SS's plans on DH's weekends are to spend time with DH, but didn't respond do the part about the dead beat dad crap.   How do you guys handle situations like this, I have to admit, I slightly considered paying her a visit last night....lol, well not really but in my head I did

HisChamaoleGirl

I'm not sure what a visit from you would accomplish so its good you didn't follow through with your considerations. When BM sends nasty texts DH usually ignores them or responds to the name calling with "I am sorry you feel that way."

HisChamaoleGirl

HisChamaoleGirl said:

I'm not sure what a visit from you would accomplish so its good you didn't follow through with your considerations. When BM sends nasty texts DH usually ignores them or responds to the name calling with "I am sorry you feel that way."

Or he will screen shot the portion of their CO that goes against what she is saying. She really hates that tho.

JessH1474

I was obviously kidding about the paying her a visit part! She is just such an irrational person and when things don't get exactly her way, she loses all control of her emotions.  It's just hard to hear her talk crap constantly, especially when she starts talking about the kids that DH and I have together. I guess this was mostly just a vent post more so than a question.  I've been in SS's life for 12 years now, so I don't even know why things like this still surprise me.

dmndsr4eva

I'm not really sure what your husband expected to happen?  If she has been used to using that money to support his son for the last 12 years than obviosly she is going to be upset.  Is she remarried? 

SS is getting to the age where he can make his own decesions regarding vistation.  I don't know the rules in your state but I thought when they get around 13 or so they are able to decide if they want to visit or not.  Personally if I were your DH I would not have opened that can of worms to save $150 a month or whatever it is.  I knew a couple where the dad never saw his kid because the kid was mad at the dad and since he was 14 he decided he no longer wanted to see him, and didn't.

Nineoceans

HisChamaoleGirl said:

I'm not sure what a visit from you would accomplish so its good you didn't follow through with your considerations. When BM sends nasty texts DH usually ignores them or responds to the name calling with "I am sorry you feel that way."

My Dh takes Bm's bait every time but I wish he could do the above. Do you know how annoying it would be to hear that? Lol. Seriously though just saying "sorry you feel that way" is truly the best course to take.

SueBear

In most states, the "child being able to decide on their own" is a huge myth.  Maybe their input is a factor in court, but most of the times it is not.

BM didn't ask a question, so her nasty gram doesn't require an answer.  I think your DH handled her text correctly, not responding to the dead beat dad accusation and letting BM know that his time with his son is not optional.

JessH1474

To be honest, it wouldn't matter if the visits were optional, SS has no issues at all coming to our house, and often asks DH if he can pick him up earlier than what's scheduled.  The reason for the decrease in child support is so we can use that money toward SS's expenses that we pay above and beyond child support.  I'm sorry but I think it's a huge double standard that it's ok for BM to take DH back to court when she wants more money (which has happened 3 times), but yet when she's making more than DH and it's time for a decrease, she gets to revert back to a 17 year old and harrass people?  If the money were actually being used for SS, that would be one thing, but when the current payment she's receiving is based on her making around 15,000 less per year than she is now and we have SS coming to us asking for new school shoes and clothes b/c she won't buy them, we have a problem. 

No, she is not remarried.  She has a 14 month old and is 6 months pregnant with another one.  Her boyfriend lives with her. 

 

dmndsr4eva

Well obviously you think the CS should be lowered.  And actually if you husband's son has a roof over his head and is being fed the 80% time he is not with you than the money is going to support him. 

SimpleJane

Just ignore it. CS calculators are in place for a reason. The numbers don't lie, and if a reduction is due you will get it, if not then you wont. Shes throwing a hissy fit and it's not going to get her anywhere. 

As far as what dmnds is saying, that is BS. If she took you back to court for custody changes then at 12 years old they might take his opinion into consideration, but for now she has to send SS per the court order or be held in contempt. Sounds like SS wants to visit anyway, she is just trying to throw her weight around. Ignore, ignore, ignore. 

bebe11

I would ignore the rude nasty text and continue as usual.  I am on both ends of the CS thing.  H pays over $1500 month for his two kids and I receive $500 for my DD. It's all about the numbers and if your BM is making a lot more than your DH, then I think it is only fair for your to modify you CS.

I was talking to a friend who did this years ago (his son is now 22), and the BM took the son and moved out of state all because she was going to get $500 less in CS and he didn't see his kid for years, it was a case of extreme PAS.  Now that his son is grown, they have reunited and have an excellent relationship.  Oh and the BM even changed the son's last name to her maiden name.

grumbledore

What @SueBear said.  Also I think letting a child choose, in most situations, is just going to damage them psychologically rather than benefit them.

In intact families, kids don't get to decide who takes care of them or who they spend time with.  IMO it should be the same with broken/blended families.

+just+j+

I wouldn't respond to it.  But I'd sure as hell document it and bring it to court with me.

Do not sink to her level. I know it's hard, but try really hard not to and just take note and move on.

agibby

We document it all then just ignore it. You know she is saying those things just to look for an argument so that she can have an excuse to go off more. No point in going there. I know how stressful it is though, believe me, we go thru the same thing here, a lot.

As far as CS, keep going forward. The calculator will take care of it all and if a reduction is warranted (and it sounds like it is if she is making more and there is no more childcare) then there's not much she can do about it.

We had the same thing happen when DH wanted the week to week schedule they had been doing for almost a year put in the CO as such, BM flipped out and didn't want to do it cause she knew the CS would change. Happened anyway.

 

MrsHetzel

Agree with everyone who said document it, ignore it, and keep going. Your DH has every right to modify CS if he thinks she's making more money. And either a judge will agree or not. Simple as that.

twister22

I will echo everyone else and just ignore her. Or what your DH did was perfect, ignoring the crap and saying that he will see SS on his weekends or he will switch weekends but not forfeit when there are plans.

xmaryrickx

wendilea said:

I agree with everyone else, except Dmnds, obviously.

We have been through this.  We went to court.  In no court in any state is a child allowed to choose to stop visitation at any age before 18.  At 14, in some circumstances, they will be heard as to who they want to LIVE with primarily, but they do not have input into visitation.  A parent's right to visitation overrules a child's desires to hang out with friends.

where I live it is age 12. At age 12 the courts will take the child's thoughts into consideration. Not I want to hang out with my friends, but serious things yes.

Regardless, there is nothing you can do but document and ignore. If there are valid reasons for a CS change, and it sounds like there are, then so be it. She will just have to move on. I understand being frustrated. I know what it's like to pay a hefty payment every month and have SS be all I need school clothes, money for xyz etc. it's frustrating. I know what it's like that despite paying said CS, buying said clothes, paying for extra curriculars, taking vacations, providing a nice home, etc how awful it is to hear your husband called a dead beat. Nothing you can do but ignore it. You can't control her actions. Only your reactions.

cmdcjc

My kids are 8 and 6 and they have a GAL ( guardian ad litem ) assigned to them because they do not want to see their father. I encourage the visits, try to get them to go, take them to see him and they avoid it all together.  Each situation is unique.  If there are serious reasons ( Abuse, etc ) age doesn't matter for the welfare of the child.