Out of State Custody? — The Bump
Single Parents

Out of State Custody?

Hey ladies,

Have any of you had to deal with custody issues when both parents live in separate states? I plan on consulting an attorney in the next two months, but focusing on finding a pediatrician first.

Since there's nothing in my life to cause me to lose primary custody, I'm assuming a judge will not make me get on a plane with a newborn/infant and fly to see him or make me drop off a newborn/infant to him in another state for an extended period of time. I presume if BD wants to see the baby, he will have to make the effort to fly/drive here and see him/her on designated times set by the court. For example, he can have baby once a month for a weekend here, etc. Also does anyone know WHEN the baby will be allowed to go with him on his own completely apart from me? I presume it would be a few months at least, if not longer.

Thanks in advance for any first hand experience you guys can pass on. I'm absolutely dreading having to deal with this aspect of being a single parent. but know I will have to face facts.

On a funny side, BD has been pestering me with emails and I let him know once I got the registry together I would send to him in case he wanted to buy anything for baby. He wrote back and said, "good idea. i will send you mine so baby can have things from mommy and daddy at our houses." HUH? Do you honestly think baby is going to be one month with me, one month with you 1,000 miles apart or anything even remotely like that!?!? I thought it was the most hilarious thing ever, but hey...if he thinks that...let him...because that tells me he hasn't consulted with an attorney.

PCOS // Loss 3/2010 // Single Mom // Natural Birth // DC Metro // Baby Girl Born 2/2/2014

Re: Out of State Custody?

  • Why are you living so far apart?  Did this long distance thing happen within the 17 weeks you have been pregnant?
  • Daring - Father has always lived out of state. We flew back and forth to see each other and go back many, many years. We were in a relationship and due to safety issues, are no longer. I am going at this alone.

    PCOS // Loss 3/2010 // Single Mom // Natural Birth // DC Metro // Baby Girl Born 2/2/2014
  • Well, if the "safety issues" are related to abuse or violence, then he may not be granted unsupervised visits. If you plan to breastfeed, that also limits how much the child can be separated from you in the first couple years. Most infant custody arrangements (especially long distance) favor the mother a little bit more and then are adjusted as the child gets older.


  • Me and my ex lived in CO when we dated. We broke up when I was 6 months pregnant. I moved home to TX & he moved home to SC. He is allowed to visit LO here in TX anytime he wants but still does not have overnight visits since he hasn't been around enough and LO does not know him or particularly even like him. We have no custody agreement worked out b/c my ex is not on the birth certificate and has not taken me to court for any kind of custody. I did speak to a lawyer at one point though and he said that my ex wouldn't be allowed to take LO for out of state visits until she was 3-4 years old.Hope that helps. 
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Phew. Thank you ladies. Thank you Kmalissa for letting me know about the "not taking out of state" portion. I can't afford an attorney, so I hope I can handle this on my own and get a judge who is decent. I was in school for paralegal, so I do know some of how to handle myself, have already done research on precedent, and will be over prepared. I just can't control what type of judge I will get.

    BD is pestering me already for an answer. I don't want to give him one because if I do, he will lawyer up and tear me to shreds in court. He won't leave it alone though, so I'm scared.

    He told me the other day after a few months he wants to fly up here, take the baby back to FL, and then bring the baby back after weeks? a month? IDK. He's out of his mind and I am almost 1000% certain no judge would ever grant that. He is now saying he won't move here, which he told my mother was in his plan all along. Liar.

    Now he's trying to pan off that he has a note from "a doctor with a PhD" (Umm duh) that says he doesn't have PTSD. Herein lies the problem. He has gone back and forth with admitting he has it, to now saying he doesn't...obviously to make him appear fit for being a parent. If he goes into court with a document, I might be screwed. I can't get access to any of his military documents which show he was honorably discharged due to "Severe PTSD." All I can do is present the documents of the past when I had a military protective order over him and the hundreds of emails of him threatening me in the past and after I was pregnant, him changing his mind by the hour and emailing me 35 times a day.

    I'm not trying to keep my daughter from her father, but I want to make sure he's STABLE and capable of caring for her. I'm honestly frightened to leave her alone with him, especially as an infant.

    I'm heartbroken and will just start praying everyday during this pregnancy that we end up with a favorable ruling when it's time to go to court. He makes my life hell when he isn't getting his way. I feel her kick inside of me and it makes me want to have a meltdown knowing there will come a day when I won't be around to protect her :(

    PCOS // Loss 3/2010 // Single Mom // Natural Birth // DC Metro // Baby Girl Born 2/2/2014
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