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hoping&praying2013

Hi everyone. I hope I can join u. I delivered my twin girls by csection Thursday night at 32 wks 6 days after preeclampsia got worse. Baby A weighed 4 lbs and was 16 1/2 inches and Baby B weighed 3 lbs and 15 oz and was 17 1/4 inches. Baby A needed no oxygen and is currently only on iv and a tube by nose for food and ate 5 cc of food yesterday. Baby B is on 23 % oxygen and isnt able to eat yet due to the oxygen. I had a csection and I have preeclampsia so I had to stay on mag before and after birth so i was unable to see them again until last night after mag was taken off. I never expected the pain from the csection to hurt so bad it is like fire and it feels like I rip when I move. But I fought the pain to go see them. I never expected how hard it would be to see them so tiny. All I could do was cry. I did get to hold them both but they have so many wires running everywhere its so scary. It made me feel like I failed them in so many ways. And all I can think about is how they are alone down there while im recovering from the csection. I thought i could hop right up and be down there but this pain is the worst thing ive ever experienced. And i wonder if they feel abandoned. My heart aches. I never have felt such a broken heart. I am so glad and blessed to have them but it breaks my heart that they have to go through this. Is this how other premie moms felt? How do u get through the guilt? Im also pumping every 3 hrs for 15 to 20 mins. Ive gotten a tiny bit out so far. They keep telling me more will come I hope my body can at least do this for them.

ashleymarie512

Hello! Glad to hear your babies are doing so well, that's great news! Congratulations!

I also had to deliver early due to preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. My daughter was born three weeks ago at 29w6d and weighed 2lb 3oz and was 14.5" long. I was also on mag (nasty stuff!) and didnt get to see my baby until Mon, after she was born on Sat. I also couldn't hold her for a couple days. The feelings of guilt and sadness are the same ones I feel. I fly every time we leave the hospital and of she's awake, I worry about her seeing us leave her, even though I know she doesn't really.

As far as the pain, it does get better. I forced myself to get up and move around as much as I could. I was pretty self sufficient by the third or fourth day, even though I was still sore. Know your limits, but moving around is also good.

Hang in there, hopefully your little ones have a short NICU stay!

DrRx

Congratulations on the birth of your girls! I'm glad to hear that they're doing relatively well. 

As far as the feelings of guilt, I don't think that there is a single preemie mom who hasn't felt like that.  It is important to address those feelings but not ruminate in them.  The 2 weeks post-partum, with all the hormone changes, etc, were the toughest for me.  Vent away here, talk to someone IRL , and/or just read other preemie stories to get you this tough time.  I know that for me it helped to do all of those things. 

For my c/s, it was important to stay on top of the pain.  I always made sure to take the pain medicine when it was time, even if I didn't think that I was necessarily needing it.  I did that because a couple of times I tried to stretch it out, and chasing pain is much tougher than preventing it in the first place.  Know your limits, but try to get up and walk (slowly) as much as you can. 

I hope your girls have a short and uneventful NICU stay.  Being on 23% oxygen is great! That's the same amount of oxygen that we have in the air, so she just needs a little push with it going in. 

Pips09

Congrats on your babies! Hoping they grow fast and strong!

niftychick29

Congrats on your little ones!  I delivered my guy early at 33 weeks 6 days, also due to severe Pre-E and HELLP syndrome, and I can relate to how you are feeling.  I was on an IV with Mag also, so although I briefly saw my son as soon as he was born in the operating room (I also had a C-Section) I was not able to go see him in the NICU until the next evening.  My husband went and spent time with him, but I felt sad that I couldn't go, too.  Once they took me off the mag I was allowed to go down to the NICU, but was also supposed to get a lot of bed rest due to my blood pressure still being really high.  (It took them a whole week to figure out how to get my BP almost normal on meds and send me home.)  My husband had to wheel me down in a wheelchair and it was really hard for me to see our son hooked up to all the monitors and everything - I felt very detached the first few days, and guilty as well, but the nice NICU nurses and neonatologist made me feel better, reminding my that it was not my fault and what I needed to focus on was taking care of myself/getting better so that I could care for my son.  

He got great care in the NICU, and although I felt bad that we couldn't be there all the time, we felt reassured that he didn't feel abandoned.  It's definitely normal to feel that way.  Our son came home after 3 weeks in the NICU and although I was worried that we might not bond like most mothers/babies who get to snuggle and go home right away, everything has turned out great.  I feel we have a great bond and do not feel that he has any lingering feelings of abandonment from his time spent away from us at the hospital.

jbranden12

Congrats and welcome! I agree with everything the ladies have said. I still have a lot of guilt but the everyday trauma of the NICU (wires, alarms, needles) has faded into my memory.  

hoping&praying2013

Thank you all. Each day gets better. Both girls are off oxygen and ivs. And eating 25 cc of food.