Comparing Sibs

toniab06

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 10 years and are now in the process of planning our wedding. However, he has a twin brother whom he is constantly being compared to (go figure). His brother and his girlfriend have been together for about 10 years as well. Recently, they have a baby, my brother and his wife just had a baby, and majority of our friends have children now. It seems like everyone is pressuring us to start a family, and I would love the idea of starting a family, but I do not want this to overshadow the wedding (which I am very excited about). I also do not want this to be a decision that we make because everyone ele's decisions to start families. I have two questions: How do I deal with this transistion since we aren't following the crowd (for lack of better words) and How do I deal with the pressure from everyone (family and friends) without compromising our plans or getting angry about it every time someone mentions us having a baby?

SmileyJay

We got married when I was 21 after 4 years of living together. We have since finished our bachelor's degrees, bought a lovely home in a very child-oriented area, and explored our own hobbies. I'm almost 24 and I feel like every family get together something is mentioned about us having kids. Not necessarily "will you? when? etc" but discussions about parenting come up and things like that. From the outside, considering that most people in our family were in much worse situations when they had kids, we seem to think we are totally ready and waiting for nothing. 

We worked so hard to get degrees and start careers. We married young and have time to spare. We have aggressive financial goals and personal goals we want to meet first. Things will never be perfect but I know in my heart there will be a time not too long from now that it feels right for us. 

One time my MIL brought it up and flat out said "I think you guys are ready" with this look in her eye like her saying that would make us want to suddenly get pregnant. Mind you, she had three babies from different dads and couldn't have afforded to have had one.. but actively planned for each anyways. Things were really tight for DH growing up and we don't want that. She means well but she is more whimsical than I am I suppose. I just told some version of "I think one of the hardest decisions a loving parent makes is what world they are going to bring their child into. I would love to have a baby right now; heck, I would love to have 3! But we want to have stability and opportunity for our kids. We aren't prepared to offer that, yet, but we are well on the way. Waiting a bit longer makes much more sense for us and we appreciate you supporting us in that decision." I haven't heard a peep since. 

Other quick things you can say is "I'm just focused on the wedding right now!" or "Kids? Let's get down the isle first!" and after the wedding things like "we just want to enjoy being mr. and mrs. for a while" or "we arent quite ready for that just yet"

Most people will take a hint and not pry further.

Mysterious_wife

You tell everyone to STFU and mind their own business.

kaydee_2008

Unless they are the one knocking you up the state of your Ute is none of their concern.

MMason12

My DH and I got married last August (2012) and the pressure for us to start ttc right away happened instantly. My parents, his parents, siblings, friends, etc. all wanted us to start ttc the day after we got married -- and all of them made sure we knew about it. 

We didn't actively start ttc for a year. That was the plan that he and I sat down and agreed upon. Regardless of what other people said, we would tell them that we will start trying once we are ready and not any sooner.  I started telling some of my sister in-laws that were really pressuring us that if she continued to say anything to me that we won't start trying ever! That shut her up pretty quickly. 

I had zero problems telling anyone who pushed to hard or made to many comments that we will not ttc on other people's schedules or timelines.  I usually included that other people can want us to have a baby all they want but in the end of the day my DH and I will be left financially, physically, emotionally, and mentally raising the child.  You just need to start telling people you don't like hearing about it, and you are so focused on your wedding that you could care less about having a baby right now! 

pmarie33

We told everyone we didn't want kids.  They stopped asking about it.

Mysterious_wife

mariahd1 said:

pmarie33 said:

We told everyone we didn't want kids.  They stopped asking about it.

I don't know that I'd want to say that... I can imagine some of the comments we'd get when we did get pregnant.  I'd never want my child to think they were an accident because someone who didn't know any better told them that.

Again, tell them to STFU and mind their own business.

Mysterious_wife

And if my family were vile enough to tell my kid they weren't wanted, we wouldn't be family anymore.

Ducktale

When we moved out of state away from family/friends, the questions dropped significantly. So that's always an option, you could move. I have a friend who recently got divorced, that worked for her to stop the questions. Outside of that, the only suggestions I have to stop the questions/pressure is to say STFU or just get KU. Other than that, you just got to find a way to not care.

Mysterious_wife

And if my family were vile enough to tell my kid they weren't wanted, we wouldn't be family anymore.