Sad about having to schedule a C section

may2806

This is probably a little redundant given the recent couple of posts on grieving after a c section, but for me it's a little different because I am actually grieving before my c section. My baby is transverse so he has to be born via c section; I struggled over whether to wait to go into labor to see if he turns, but my doctor is pretty sure he won't at this point and feels that a scheduled section is better than an emergency one; especially since I'm on Heparin, which is not compatible with an epidural or spinal and therefore might necessitate general anesthesia if not stopped ahead of time. After a lot of thinking we decided to go ahead and schedule it for next Monday at 39w1d. I feel so odd scheduling my baby's birth day - I wanted him to pick it.

Given everything I have been through (years of infertility and loss) I know I should just be grateful that I made it to term, but I feel that I also have to acknowledge my feelings. I had planned for a med-free birth, and probably clung to that more than I should have given that you never know how a birth will happen; but I think I did that because with my history it was very difficult for me to feel an attachment to the baby while pregnant. I think I thought that if I could birth him "naturally" I would establish that connection that it was so hard for me to form; and now that it's a c section I feel like I'll be even more detached. I also feel like because I conceived him through IVF, so much of the experience has happened through "procedures" and I just wanted my body to do something right and natural. I know it sounds crazy but I wanted to experience labor, even if it ended in a c section. I think also because I did deliver a baby vaginally at 17 weeks, I thought if I could have a vaginal delivery that resulted in a healthy baby it would also help heal me from that experience.

 I'm starting to make peace with it but then I also feel angry that instead of enjoying my last couple weeks of pregnancy I have been very sad and confused. I know a healthy baby is number one, so I also feel guilty that I even feel this way. But I'm still worried how everything will go - being sliced open while awake, bonding, breastfeeding, feeling detached, etc. I know many women are fine with having c sections (believe me, I wish I was one of them), but if you went through something similar, especially if your c section was planned, could you share? Thanks!

may2806

Oh and also what makes this worse for me is that it's likely to be my only pregnancy; but even if it isn't I will probably not be a good candidate for a VBAC.

may2806

@ idani you are so right. I am a planner, a control freak, and that has made this all the more difficult for me because it is another loss of control (which also a big part of infertility). Thank you for reminding me of that.

Kim22

I knew my son was breech at 29 weeks and my doctor doubted he would turn and he didn't. I had already signed up for a birth class so I still went and sat there wanting to cry each week that it was probably all for nothing. I had pictured this birth where DH and I would hang out playing scrabble until it was time to push and that wasn't to be. I was worried the c section would be too soon and he wouldn't be ready. I tried every trick I could find to turn him. I ended up going into labor at 36 weeks and having the c section. My hospital kept him in the OR in DHs arms the entire time. My arms were free so I could touch him. I was wheeled to recovery with him on my legs and I was able to breast feed in recovery. He was not taken away to the nursery until I gave the nurse the go ahead. I think as far as c sections go I was lucky with how mine was handled. I think I was sadder before the fact then I was after. I don't think that just because you went through a lot to have your baby you can't feel disappointment about this. Everyone always says be happy for the healthy baby because they don't know what else to say. Ask about keeping hands free and BF right away if you want to. I was surprised I was allowed with a 36 weeker but it was fine.

Also my sister and cousin were both on lovenox and changed to heparin in their final weeks of pregnancy because it is out of your system faster. Both had spontaneous labor before their c sections and were able to have spinals and remain awake, my sister just had to wait 2 hours for her section based on the time of her last dose. Hopefully that will all work out well for you. Best of luck!

Jing22

may2806 said:

@ idani you are so right. I am a planner, a control freak, and that has made this all the more difficult for me because it is another loss of control (which also a big part of infertility). Thank you for reminding me of that.

I think I came to terms with my unplanned c-section when I realized nothing about a child can really be planned, including their birth.  I think trying to control things may just be setting you up for major depression.  You cannot control everything.  Work through the sadness in whichever way that you can, but embrace the joy of that new baby and live in the moment.  

BeachMama7693

I am in a semi similar situation. I had my first baby vaginally and I hemorrhaged quite a bit, so I didn't get to touch her for over a hour because they took her right away to deal with me. Dh didn't get to cut the cord. I was given iv pain meds I didn't know about and didn't even get to breastfeed for the first 3 hours, which is not what I had planned. This time, we are team green and I was wanting a complete med free natural birth with the baby put on my chest right away, etc. I was told at our anatomy scan I had placenta Previa but that it would most likely move. Well, it moved- in the wrong direction. It's complete and they have scheduled my csection for 37 weeks. I'm devastated. I really feel like I'm going to be "robbed" again of what I want. My ob has already informed me that I won't hold the baby or nurse until recovery a couple hours later. On top of that, I have other complications and we expect 98% that baby will go right to nicu, so I won't even get to go see the baby until my meds wear off and my catheter is out. At this point, there is nothing I can do. I know things will not change and I'm trying my best to accept it and know they are doing what is safest to get my baby here. It's still hard and I'm scared of the surgery but I do know in the end I will have my baby and that's what matters. I wanted you to know you are not alone in your grief. As my date gets closer i am trying very hard not to think about the experience, because I do not want to work myself up and honestly I just want to cry when I think about it. I wish you the smoothest delivery possible and know you will attach to your baby right away and find peace in it all.