WWPD Update

s0ulchicken

A little while back, I asked the board for advice regarding my nephew, who had just found out the truth regarding his parentage.

For Reference: (Should be clicky)

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12028301/wwpd-pretty-damn-long#latest

I bit the bullet and called him, and he allowed me to take him out for lunch. I was so unprepared for the emotional gut punch at how much he looks like my brother. We had a nice lunch, and he seems like a pretty down to earth young man. But boy, is he angry. And rightfully so. It turns out that in telling him about my brother, his mom also told him quite a few lies about how none of us wanted anything to do with him. It was really, really hard for me to address that, because right now he is so focused on how his biological dad (my brother) has betrayed him. His word choice, btw. I tried to explain to him that I know my mother and step-father had tried to see him, and even told him that my mother had taken his mom to court when he was little, for visitation, but that the judge denied it. He just kept repeating "But my mom said that they never wanted anything to do with me." And without coming right out and saying "Your mother isn't exactly a fucking angel in this situation either" I didn't know what to say.

 He did ask questions about my brother, but didn't really seem to be ready for the answers, and I still stand by those are my brothers questions to answer, not mine.  I just told him that I was a little kid when he was born, and that a lot of things weren't discussed in my presence, but if he wanted to talk to my mother or brother, I would happily put them in touch. He says he isn't ready for that, which I am trying really, really hard to respect. My mom knows that I have spoken with him, and is dying to be able to see him also.

He asked to meet my children, he says that he would like to get to know his cousins. He was kind of a shit when he said that though, and followed it up with "because I would like to be a part of their lives, AT LEAST." Right now I am just trying to let him take the lead, and go at his pace. I did suggest counseling, and he was somewhat receptive. He says that he knows he needs to talk to someone, but that he is still trying to piece things together. I think his next step will be to meet my mom, I think it could likely be a year or so before he is ready to meet my brother.

So anyway, thanks to everyone who chimed in. I was really scared to meet him, and it was so surreal to sit across the table from him, and biting my tongue to not say "Holy shit you look JUST LIKE YOUR DAD!"

insertclevername

I am glad that you got to meet him and that it went fairly well.  I hope he does get into counseling because it sounds like he has a lot of anger and other emotions he is dealing with.  Hopefully, he will come to realize that what his mother told him may not be an accurate portrayal of the situation.

s0ulchicken

Spooko said:

I think overall it sounds good. I really feel for him. It can't be easy, AT ALL, to sort this all out, especially when he's really only ever trusted his mom and she's lied. I think it was really great that you were able to help. I hope he gets into counseling sooner than later.

Thanks @Spooko I really hope that he does too. I cannot imagine what it must be like to think that one man is your dad your whole life, and then bam "Happy 18th Birthday, everything you think is true is not!" He is supposed to come over for dinner this Friday to meet my kids. Because, well, no way in hell am I taking a 9 and 6 year old, and two 8.5 month olds to a restaurant at dinner time.

 

Is it really bad that I want to confront his mom? I know I can't/shouldn't, but I just want to tell her that she needs to get off of her pedestal, because she has a hand in this too. Right she is still playing the victim card, and it makes me want to puke. Or rip her throat out. Either are viable possibilities 

RondackHiker

Wow. What a gut punch of a meal.

You sound like you handled it well. And you rock for not saying his mom was lying. That's something he's got to figure out on his own. If you'd said it, you'd have alienated him.

Does your mom have any proof of the court battle? Could you bring a copy in your purse the next time you see him, and offer it to him? Just say that you still don't know many details and that it'd be best to discuss the issues with your mom and brother, but that if he's interested, you could show him info about the custody case, and that he can do whatever he wants with that information.

Poor kid. He must be SO ANGRY. He's spent his whole life being told that this group of people, your family, is terrible. That you didn't care at ALL about him. Now he's found out that a lot of that, a lot of his life, wasn't true. So he's curious but still angry that this family maybe didn't fight hard enough to find him.

LuckyDad

It sounds like you handled it well. He's going to have to process this at his own pace. He's also discovered that his mom, presumably someone he loves a lot, was a big fat liar to him about a pretty huge issue.

He's eighteen, and a lot of 18 year old men are little shits, plus he's had his world rocked. I think your next step should be to let him meet your kids. Build comfort, trust, rapport, a relationship. And yeah, give him time. Glad to hear he was open to the idea of a counselor.

s0ulchicken

@RondakHiker she does. I actually picked up a copy of the judges decision from her today. It was pretty heart breaking to read. I am putting it in my purse, along with some early pictures that my mom made copies of. Some of them are from Christmas's that he got to come to visit, and one or two from when my brother was on leave and we got to see him. He couldn't have been more than 3 in any of the pictures. I am hoping to just give him the envelope before he leaves on Friday, so that he can look at everything on his own time.

I just hope that I am doing these things right. I am so worried that I am going to misstep as I am wont to do, and screw everything up.

s0ulchicken

@Spooko I am really sorry to hear that. My DS's bio dad walked away from us when DS was just a baby. I have always tried to be as honest as is age appropriate, because my nephew's situation was never far from my mind. I can't imagine what it must feel like to be unwanted by your (collective your) own family. I also cannot imagine what it must feel like to live your whole life thinking that someone is your biological father, only to find out that not only is he not, but that everyone you love has been lying to you for 18 years. It really makes my heart hurt.

I can't help but wonder what it will be like when/if he finally does meet my brother. I hope that by then he is strong enough to hear another side of the story. Although, it really isn't a pretty story either. My brother really did walk away. Just, not the way my nephew was told. And I do know that it is one of his biggest regrets. I think though, that no amount of "Sorries" could ever take that hurt away.

s0ulchicken

Thanks @fredalina I know that it isn't about me, but I feel like as the unofficial "Abassador" that if I fuck this up, everyone will blame me. And I am really, really good at fucking things up! ">

wiggyslilsis

I think you are handling this incredibly well and doing the right thing. My Dad left and something I can say about that is that my mom let me come to my own conclusions. She didn't stick up for anyone or make excuses but she also didn't bad talk anyone either. This sounds like what you are doing. It won't help him to hear his mom is a liar but hopefully with time and interaction with you and hopefully your mom and brother, he can come to his own conclusions about the situation. Good job for realizing that. Oh and I totally understand wanting to call her out. What she did is wrong.