Bad Moments

BrittianyM

When I have bad moments, I have real bad moments. Like there is nothing worth living for now, hopelessness and let's just throw everything and everyone away. Wow, how did this become my life?  I was once so happy,  the happiest I have ever been. I miss Brooke so much. She was perfect.  I know perfect people don't exist but she was and maybe that's why she couldn't stay. I will always love and want to be with my baby girl. 

BrittianyM

Is anyone else's emotions running wild? Extreme mood swings?

JessicaG220

Ugh you are not alone. I go from happy and content to severely depressed, and everything in between. I experience the same emotions. Life sucks after you lose that miracle. I feel like I finally started to see my purpose in life when I carried Ava, and then she was taken away without my consent. I'm sorry you're feeling so, so sad. I am praying for peace for you, hun.

Noethola

”There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all its dreadfulness, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme. If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms.” -Charlotte Bronte

I am so very sorry. Big ((hugs)) your way.

shandorfml2

All these things you are feeling is normal. I am sorry you are struggling...we have all been there. I have my bad moments to. For a while after Ana died, I wanted to die too. If it wasn't for H, and our hopeful rainbow children, I would have died with her. Some days will be hard, but some will be easier as well.

@Noethola I love that quote. It is so true.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

***siggy warning****

 

 

For many months my emotions were all over the place.  I could be fine one minute and a complete mess the next.  After about 3 months of it, I felt like I was going crazy and I finally talked to my OB and got on Lexapro.  I didn't want to be on anything at first because I didn't want to just not feel anything, I feel like that just delays feeling about it but I needed to level out some and not hit the extremes.  Lexapro allowed me to have feelings and emotions without hitting the major lows of despair.  I was on it for about 9 months and only got off of it because we knew we were going to be TTCAL.  I plan on going back on it if possible after giving birth because I already know I will have major anxiety.

It's completely normal to have extreme emotions.  You may want to talk to your doctor about treatment options

BrittianyM

fluttergirlmoonchild79:

My counselor even brought that up. I would but my DH doesn't want me on Birth Control right now since he doesn't know when he wants to try for another one. That means I have no idea when he will be ready and I would want to make sure that I am not on anything right before or during pregnancy. I do feel that maybe I need to be on something. My lows are very low.

Heatherhah

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad all the time. I think of you and Flutter often since you were able to hold your babies while they were alive with you. I know you may not see that as being lucky but you were very lucky to see her smile,  laugh and for her to love on you. I didn't get that Sydney since she was stillborn. I can't imagine how you feel and I wish I knew of a way to take the pain away for you . I'm so sorry !!!! I know it is hard but try to remember the good things when the bad thoughts of despair come into play in your mind.  I try to do that with Sydney I try to remember her when she was inside and when she was alive she only knew my love and that helps a bit. Brooke only knew you love too. Huge hugs!!!!!!

Heather 

BrittianyM

@ Heatherhah

Thank so much. I do know that I am lucky to have known my daughter.

I am very sorry for all the ladies that didn't get that. You all deserved to have gotten that chance. There is no way to quantify the level of loss. They all hurt equally, just differently. I wish none of us were here on this board for this reason.

Thank you everyone again for listening to me. 

fluttergirlmoonchild79

BrittianyM said:

fluttergirlmoonchild79:

My counselor even brought that up. I would but my DH doesn't want me on Birth Control right now since he doesn't know when he wants to try for another one. That means I have no idea when he will be ready and I would want to make sure that I am not on anything right before or during pregnancy. I do feel that maybe I need to be on something. My lows are very low.

I completely understand what you're saying.  I didn't know this until I talked to my doctor, but there are several anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications you can take well into a pregnancy.  I was able to ween myself off of Lexapro before I was pregnant simply because DH and I had a specific date we were going to start trying (we pretty much immediately said a year and then ironically ended up leaving on a once in a life time vacation on Corbin's first birthday).  If anything you can always start taking it and as soon as you and DH decide it's time you can start weening- which can take a few weeks. 

Our stories are so similar in many ways - if you ever want/need to talk to someone who also had a take-home baby, please don't hesitate to PM me.  I'm here for you.

 

Wishing you peace and love

BrittianyM

fluttergirlmoonchild79:

Thanks so much! I have read your blog and I even got Brooke a sunset from Carly.     Same to you, if you ever need to talk I am here.