Single Parents

Advice Needed

How do you know when enough trying is enough? Trust me.. I know relationships are hard work and I am willing to do the work. The problem is my partner doesn't seem to want to do the same. I work full time, and take care of our child mostly by myself. No, he's not the worst parent/partner in the world, but I am tired of making excuses and saying things like "well he's not abusive!", "well it could be worse, etc". I know I deserve better and so does our son. I don't want him to grow up in a broken home like I did, but I am at the end of my rope. I have asked him to go to counseling with me (not even saying I was blaming him for anything I literally brought it up as I wanted to go and how I thought it would help us communicate better, etc.) but of course he won't do that either. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am scared to go at this alone, but tired of doing the work, being put down constantly, being criticized constantly, and frankly not having support and love like we used to have. 

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Re: Advice Needed

  • You need to be happy. zYouve tried to make things work. You can try till your blue in the face but if he doesnt want to try your fighting a loosing battle
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    Gamera3000
  • I live by this rule: The only reason to end a relationship is if you are happier alone than with your partner.

    Every relationship has problems. I feel looking at it as I can find someone better is not the way. If you'd be happier alone then it's time to leave. Be clear about why you're leaving and what you need from him that you're not getting. It may be the kick in the butt he needs. There is nothing saying you can't reconcile.
    20thirteenbabymama619inthelostGamera3000
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  • @earthandfire
    agreed that I am not looking to be happy with someone else necessarily. I am not even thinking of ever being with anyone else at this point. I am literally just focused on what is best for me and my child. I don't want him to see his mother disrespected at all. Yes, I am hoping it can be reconciled and I know every relationship has problems. I don't expect every day to be sunshine. It's just a very difficult thing to try to process when enough is enough. 
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  • @earthandfire
    agreed that I am not looking to be happy with someone else necessarily. I am not even thinking of ever being with anyone else at this point. I am literally just focused on what is best for me and my child. I don't want him to see his mother disrespected at all. Yes, I am hoping it can be reconciled and I know every relationship has problems. I don't expect every day to be sunshine. It's just a very difficult thing to try to process when enough is enough. 

    I'm in a similar situation. My H is not a bad person, not a bad father, I care for him, and he "cares" for me (its like being loved by a 14yo). But he's immature, unwilling to acknowledge my issues with him, unwilling to place boundaries with his family and enforce them, and refuses to acknowledge that both DS and I are not his emotional toys (we do not exist for his emotional satisfaction/fulfillment). He's very needy and clingy and emotionally smothering, and I am not. Luckily, he is willing to go to counseling, but I don't think it will help, because we've been down this road before, him trying to change and how it takes awhile, me just being so completely emotionally detached from everything. You just need to figure out for you what your breaking point is. For me, I'm terrified of raising another child with this man because I can't be mommy to two children and a man-child.
    -A well-tended garden is indicative of a well-tended soul.-
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  • It takes two to make a relationship work. One person can't do it by themselves.
    Liliana Seraphina born 9/5/2103


    CoIvie
  • My ex husband (not my BD) and I decided our relationship wasnt working as it was and we split up two years ago. He's one of my best friends and he's very supportive. Sometimes things just need to be transitioned to a different kind of relationship-like co-parents, friends, or even acquaintances.

    I think it sounds like your heads in the right place. It's just tough at first.
    CoIvie
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  • @enami This sounds very similar to our situation. He also does not place boundaries with his family (i.e. mother) and that doesn't help our situation at all, it in fact hurts it more. No, I am not perfect, but I am easygoing and get along with most everyone! Every time his family is around it's more screaming and drama, and I don't want my child around that either. It terrifies me though to leave him, and have to share my child with that nonsense and me not be around. I don't want to share visitation which is another thing causing me to stay. I am glad your husband will try counseling even though you think it won't help :( And, just like you said, I am so sad because I thought I was going to build a family with this person, and now I don't want to bring another child into the world with him. That breaks my heart. 
    @gamera3000 I would hope that we can be friends/co-parent well, and be supportive of each other too if we split up. 
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  • I'm glad this post was brought up because I'm in a very similar relationship.  I deal with emotional and verbal abuse.  My DS is just shy of 13 months old.  We are not married and have no plans to marry, never really have. We have been together for 4 1/2 years with a history of physical abuse while intoxicated. I'm not one to cowar down or not let my feelings be known.  I stand up for myself, which just makes things escalate and become more toxic.  SO talks to me like trash in front of DS, has no respect for me or my personal belongings. I fear and dread that my DS might end up being like his father. I will do everything in my power to make sure that doesn't happen though...I consider leaving him on a daily basis but can't stand the thought of sharing weekends.  SO won't change, he never has.  I wish I would have had the forsight to have left when I should have, but I wouldn't have gotten DS, which i absolutely do NOT regret.  It's a tough crossroad and one that takes a lot of thought and listening to your heart. 

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  • I'm in a similar situation as well. Controlling and manipulative BD. We've been on and off for over a year. He started accusing me of cheating since early on in the relationship. Would call like crazy and would text 100 times per day at the most, showed up uninvited at my home once, his messages gave me anxiety and i decided to end the relationship. I found out I was pregnant when in the process of breaking up. Now he acts like he owns me and as if he is someone way above me and threatens to take my baby for half custody. I don't trust him. BD doesn't acknowledge him at all, doesn't help, anything. I sense jealousy from him towards LO and would be afraid of my baby being alone with him. So I've tried so much to work it out. It's not getting better. :( There's much more. Just wanted to vent.
    bullybutt
  • When you have to ask yourself the question "when is enough, enough?" thats when you know its time to try something different. 
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  • pregokat said:
    When you have to ask yourself the question "when is enough, enough?" thats when you know its time to try something different. 

    Absolutely. When you're seeing a dozen reasons to leave and start having to look for reasons to stay, there's a problem. If you're partner isn't willing to try to work to change the problem, nothing is ever going to change.

    The best things I ever did for my LO and myself was walk away. This was a decade ago and I have never regretted my decision. My situation was more severe than yours (it got physical in the end) but I went through years of what you're describing first. Sure we had our good days but there were far more bad. It could be classified as mental/emotional abuse. There's constructive criticism and there's destructive. The destructive kind can be considered abusive and that sounds like what you're enduring. I went through it. Genetic donor (GD) was manipulative, emotionally and mentally abusive. Looking back I was dumb to hang around as long as I did. THAT I regret. At the time I felt so overwhelmed by the idea of taking on the care of my LO by myself. It's not easy but it's doable and I don't receive CS because I refuse to let him near my LO. I was young and I was emotionally entangled. How naïve I was. What little I cared for him doesn't even scratch the surface of what I feel for my better half. What made my decision was that my LO would endure what I was enduring as time went on. That when LO started to get ideas and opinions of LO's own he would pull the same thing to LO and that made the decision simple. Kids are easy when they're young but when they start to have their own opinions GD would pull the same stuff to get what he wanted. That was not going to fly. I've kept up with what he's been up to in case he cleaned himself up and wanted to meet LO. He's only gotten worse to the point he's had civil charges brought against him for abuse. That only reinforces that I made the right decision. That doesn't have to be you though. If your partner gets his head on straight there's no reason you can't start dating again and make a real go of being a nuclear family for your LO.

    As to a broken family, I've seen plenty of nuclear families that are severely broken. I don't think it has anything to do with whether the parents are together or not. I come from a blended family and we are by no means broken. My mother was asked to attend my step sisters wedding because she has been a part of her life since she was young. My mother, father, step-mother and step-father worked very hard to make things work for myself and all my siblings. We sit down to family meals for shared events (birthdays, etc) and the moms/GF's all sit together and have a good time. Same with the dads and/or BF's. I've seen plenty of former spouses who let their personal feelings towards each other make it hard on their kids. My grandmother is one of them. Mine chose not to. They are both good parents and put aside their issues with each other when it came to my siblings and I. It seems like it became easier for them as time went by. My mother attended my father's 50th birthday party. My mother and step-dad are divorced but I'd never consider not inviting him to a family event. He's family, he's grandpa no matter what the law says. There's bad parenting, when the child's needs and safety aren't put first. That is the gauge I was taught to go by; don't let your personal feelings cloud what your child needs. So far it's been a really good compass for me.

    You have to decide what your situation needs but this is what I've learned through my personal experiences. Maybe it'll help you.

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