How do you keep the bitterness at bay?

jmmiller28

Hi there, I'm new to this group but thought after all I've been through I need a place to connect with others going through similar situations.  A little back story on me:  My husband and I started TTC Oct. 2009 and were pregnant after 2 cycles.  I miscarried at 7 weeks.  We started TTC again and were pregnant after 1 cycle.  We welcomed a beautiful baby girl 12/3/2010.  We thought what we experienced was traumatizing and sobering, but moved on quickly in the joy of our daughter.  Discussions started about Baby #2 and we waited awhile for fear that I'd be pregnant immediately and we weren't quite "ready yet."  I regret that choice now.  We've been TTC #2 now since May 2012 (15 months).  We suffered another miscarriage in April 2013 at 9 weeks and just embarked on all the infertility work up stuff.  It's scary, isolating, and depressing.  I have 7 close friends that all started TTC #2 at the same time as me and now have 7 healthy babies.  We all had our first babies at the same time (within a couple months of each other).  My husband and I were left behind in the "great race of conception."  I'm struggling greatly right now with the bitterness.  Why is it so easy for most?  I'm sure this topic has been discussed at length and I'm chiming in late here, but I honestly ask how do you keep the bitterness at bay?  At most I can choke out a "congratulations" when someone yet again announces a pregnancy.  They'll never know the struggle.  How can you not get so angry? 

Jen071407

It is so. Hard. I have friends who started ttc after we did who are now celebrating 1st Birthdays. I also live on a street with 7 women giving birth this spring-fall. One with natural fraternal twins. WTH world?!
Ok I'll try to give ideas that may actually be helpful...I try to remind myself that their reproductive abilities have no effect on mine, and that all those babies are new friends (even a cousin in there) for my girls. I've found exercising to be a good stress-reducer (and I'm only talking a 2-3 mile run a couple times a week). I also, like many here, avoid situations I know will only bring out the worst, like baby showers and play dates with multiple pregnant women who get the privilege of complaining about feeling like a whale. I don't know how helpful this is to you, but know you're definitely not alone.

MJC1116

I agree, removing yourself from it makes it so much easier to stomach. It's SO hard when everyone around you is pregnant and it's seemingly easy for them. It hurts whenever I hear about another friend getting pregnant. Or here's an even more frustrating situation. My sister and BIL fostered a baby boy whose birth mother was a transient meth addict. And the baby was her 4th kid. I'm 28, take care of myself, eat healthy, and cannot get pregnant. Tell me how that's fair?

I really try to address those feelings before I push them out. Then I tell myself to stop dwelling on them. Prayer really helps. Everyone has their own battle to fight in one way or another. I can imagine that the mother I was just writing about has a world of troubles greater than mine. 

Sometimes it feels like a race or a competition (most times, really), but I have to remind myself that I have my own path and that for whatever reason, I am not pregnant yet. Like Jen said, it doesn't matter how quickly or how easily another gets pregnant because it doesn't affect me. I read in a book somewhere that said that sometimes it feels like when you hear another person is pregnant, it feels like the baby store is running out of babies and you have to hurry up before someone swipes the last one. But instead we should look at it as a positive proclamation that women are conceiving. That it's possible for them and therefore is positive for us, too.

I'm sorry it hurts so much, and I'm not sure my words are comforting at all, but I just wanted to let you know that I've definitely felt (and feel) that way, too.

annibes

Well, I seem to roll through my cycle in predictable phases. Week one is depression and and a little bitterness, which also pops up when I hear another announcement. Week two is focused on my chart. Week three is grateful that other women can get pregnant so I can compare my chart. Week four is usually spent convinced that "this could be our month!" and secretly likening myself to the ranks of the pregnant women around me. This phase is slowly being replaced with me forcing myself not to get my hopes up.

So I guess I try to fight the bitterness with an unhealthy dose of denial, as needed. It's keeping me from going too crazy for now, but that can only last for so long.

KC1212

I wish I had an answer for this but I don't

I was once at so low of a point that I couldn't stomach pregnancy test commercials. It, for some reason, and I know this is going to sound crazy...but it pissed me off that they were always portrayed the tests as positive. seriously. That would break me down.

Momarazzi007

For me it sounds dumb and whatever, but just knowing everyone has their own problems to deal with, that makes it easier. Most of my friends have kids- but two thirds are in messy divorces or went through one. Some kids have children with severe health problems (from substance abuse or fluke). Some lost Children, or their spouse. And here I sit happily married with a beautiful healthy girl. My parents went through multiple divorces, and I have two disabled brothers (down syndrome and the other bad aneurysm as a baby and is mentally disabled for life). I grew up knowing how hard life can be and we all have problems that are our own. Infertility is mine. No- it doesn't make it any easier- yes I still get bitter and complain. Like a little kid (I have on a couple posts and w support and commiserating- thank you ladies!!!). I think, for me knowing that I may have to wait, but that if baby number two is anything as wonderful as dd- they will be so worth the wait and heartache. And when all that doesn't work, I listen to Josh Wilson, cry my eyes out and know it will be better, just not today or tomorrow. It helps being here and hearing and talking to women in the same boat. (Hugs)

Momarazzi007

Josh Wilson's Before the Morning. Great song!

roughkat

It is really hard to not give in to bitterness.  Honestly, one thing that helps me is to allow myself some finite periods of time where I complain to someone who supports me - my husband, a good friend, my mom.  I just give myself permission to feel that way for a little while.  Then I make a conscious effort to remind myself that I have no idea of the journey that other people took to get pregnant, or what is actually going on in their lives, and the way that I present to other people looks very different from reality as well.

I do get caught in feeling a little frantic when people's babies are getting older, or feeling that I have to get pregnant by "x" month in order for my kids to be "y" years apart.  But it doesn't do any good.  And like pp said, when the next little one comes along it will be clear that the reason the wait was so long was so this specific child could join your family.

And then I pour myself a glass of wine.

MercyGale

I have been struggling with this for about a year. Especially with my sister, whom I love so very dearly, do not get me wrong... but she is fertile stinkin mertile. She had my nephew a year ago, which when she told me she was pregnant, I did not respond well. I was so cruel and acted totally unacceptable. But I wouldn't trade him for the world, was just extremely jealous. She recently announced she was pg again. I swallowed it with ease this time, and for the first time, it didn't hurt so bad to hear another bfp. sadly, she miscarried 2 days ago at 5wks. bitterness is a nasty snake, that I believe everyone in our situation deals with at some point. it may or may not get better, its a personal battle you have to fight. and everyone fights it differently